Birthing Partner argument

[TAV1983]

Hi ladies. I’m due my first baby at the end of December.
My fiancé has the opinion that the birth experience should be an “us” thing and wants it to be just the two of us there in the delivery room.
I totally get that and love that he wants to support me on his own, but at the same time, I would really like my Mum to be there too. She was at the births of my sisters two children and absolutely loves the experience and I also know she will keep me calm in my hour(s) of need. I am already petrified at the thought of labour and birth and I know that I will benefit from having them both there with me but he just cannot see that and in a way he feels like he won’t be enough for me.
Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I don’t want him to feel put out but I also can’t make him see my side of things. Help!x

 

[nat206ttc3]

Aw that’s tricky. I had my first when I was 23 and I definitely needed my mum beside me! Luckily my hubby (then boyfriend) was absolutely fine with that. I know a few people who have been in your situation. I wouldn’t of liked to go through labour with just him, I’m so glad my mum was there cos I had such a hard time!! Was so glad to have both of them with me.

Second time I had a planned section so it was just hubby and this time is just the same. Hope you can work things out, I think you need your mum by the sounds of it. Try explaining it again. Xx

 

[WolfMamma]

My OH and I are currently trying for my no. 2 baby (his 1st) and we have had this discussion.

He is clearly on the autistic spectrum and as such we have both agreed that he will not be in the room at the time that I give birth as it would just be too much for him. When I told my mum this, she asked if she could come in and I told her no way in hell was she seeing me like that! She wasn't offended as she knows that I am a fairly private person when it comes to my body..... We also spent about 10 years or so not talking. She wasn't there for my daughters birth either, it's just not something that I would ever want.

I have asked my best friend to come in instead as she has been there for me at some very tough times, she's blunt and she's funny. She's also been like a second mother to me as well as sister substitute. All the things that I need!

Just take in who you want to be there, it's you doing all the hard work!

 

[Wednesday]

Ultimately, it is your choice. You are the one who will be going through all the pain, if you feel your mum would help then have her there.

I had my mum there and my partner. It was great as they could take it in shifts as well - 22 hour labour!!

 

[Shanivy]

Its completely your choice. Take who you need. Personally having my mum at DDs birth wouldn't have suited me. But it's your labour. Also most first labours are long, so your partner may be glad of some help and support off your mum in the end. Could be 24hrs plus of just him trying to help you with everything. Mums have been there. Men have no idea. He needs to get over it and understand they can both be there without taking away any of the magic of the baby coming

In the end though I believe it's your decision. It's one of the hardest things we do so hopefully he comes around and realise how important it is for you x

 

[KHTW]

I understand why your partner would only want you two to be there when baby is born. It is going to be such special day and personally I can't imagine sharing it with anybody else but my partner. But if you already know that you won't get the support you need from him then of course ask your mum. Hopefully he can understand x

 

[fairycake]

I am having my mum and my partner and I have always said no matter who I was with I would have my mother there as well as she and I are exceptionally close and she is able to keep me calm like no one else. My partner is fantastic about this and is grateful for the fact she will be there. However when my ex and I were trying he didn't want her there. In the end I told him either he could be there with her or he could miss out on the birth because that moment was about what was best for me and the baby. We were unlucky and never made it to a live birth so didn't end up being an issue. You need to tell your partner that you are the one who needs the support and he will be grateful of it too xx

 

[JustTrying]

I see it from your husbands perspective too. It's his family moment and he might feel like it's being taken away from him and he is not enough support for you.

Personally I would love the support from my mum who would jump for joy to be with me but as the father of the baby, I think he has more right to have this moment as much as I do and so he will be with me.

I'm not too fond of the whole "I'm carrying the baby, it's all about my needs" mentality. We do go through a heck of a a lot but we didn't choose our biological systems and pushing our partners out or telling them to just deal with it as opposed to having a rational approach is just wrong.

Just my opinion, not aimed at anyone.

 

[Karenb]

I personally would only want to share it with my husband as it’s our baby and I want him to be able to be completely comfortable and feel he can express his emotions as he wants... not that he does all that much!! Just my opinion though: I think my mum may drive me mad lol

 

[Hoping for no2]

I personally think it should be for the parents to experience together, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there and don't think my OH would have been happy if I'd suggested otherwise. I can see how it would be nice to have your mum there though, don't get me wrong. A tricky one but I do think you be need to be happy with the decision. Hope you can sort it out x

 

[Selina13]

My husband was totally on board with my mum being there for my labour and they actually bonded during it. They found a new friendship and suppirted eachother during the labour as it was long and traumatic!! Will have my mum and hubby again for baby number 2 and they are both happy with that. As a compromise could you have your mum on call in case you need her (as Im sure your fella would contact her in actual labour if he is feeling helpless) or just make sure she is the first to see baby once he or she is here? X

 

[mylullaby]

I’m in agreement with your partner in that I only want me and my oh with me when I give birth. But you are the one giving birth and therefore I firmly believe you get to decide who’s there. It’s not a spectator sport- it’s your labour- and if you feel like having your mum there will help you to relax, that’s what’s most important and your OH will have to accept that his feelings come second to yours in this instance. Xx