Best age gap for #2?

[Selina13]

Hey ladies,

Not been on here for a while as I have been busy with my blue bundle of joy Theo who is 3months old.
I adore him and he's a really good baby- well, he was very much wanted and tried for so I think anything he does is good at the moment!

Anyway, been thinking about how we have always wanted at least 2 children and it took us sooooo long to get Theo that I'm wondering what the best age gap is for having another?

Part of me just wants to totally immerse myself with him but I also desperately want him to have a sibling as I was an only child and was quite lonely growing up.

Things I'm worried about are
- him being of an age where he really feels the change of a new baby
- the fact that it could take a long time ttc again
- I had a terrible pregnancy with SPD and labour was awful so that worries me
- the financial side of having 2
- consideration that the new baby may not be as good a sleeper etc as Theo is now

Part of me thinks 'in for a penny' let's try for another now so Theo has always had the sibling around so it's not a huge impact but I know that this comes with its difficulties.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice on this?
Thanks in advance!
Xxxxxx

 

[littlemonkey]

Having two really is such a personal decision, there is no right or wrong answer to it really.

There's is a two year age gap between my two. My baby is only a few days old, so we're still muddling our way through. It took us nine months to conceive with our first but we caught in the first month of trying with our second, so I'd say don't rely on it taking ages first off! I also found pregnancy much harder second time around. For the first six months I'd say it was on a par with my first, I just didn't have as much chance to relax and rest with a toddler. Then in tri three I had worries about baby's growth and continually rising blood pressure. I'd say maybe research the problems you had in pregnancy and the likelihood of them in subsequent pregnancies. I knew after having high blood pressure in my first pregnancy it was likely to be an issue second time around. I also had a difficult delivery with my first and post natal depression afterwards, so I was worried about those being issues again. But I think having been through them let me make informed decisions and put better plans in place second time around. If you can go over your delivery with someone at the hospital, it's really useful and can help you make plans for delivery of your second. After a failed induction and emergency c-section with my first, I made the decision to have an elective section with my second. I also knew I needed more help so I enlisted my parents to come and help me out more at home etc as well as my OH.

As for how it effects your other children, I think no matter what age gap in will always effect them. My eldest has been brilliant with his brother, but he has still been really emotional and we've had difficult bedtimes etc. I have actually posted on it! It's upsetting to see, but I know it will settle down and in a few months he won't remember what life was like without his brother. I do think that two is a good gap though because my son is quite independent and doesn't rely on me as much as a younger child, but we're also not too far past the baby stage with him, so night feeds, nappies and making bottles haven't been too much of a shock to the system. Personally if I had waited any longer, I would probably stopped at one because it would be too much change going back to having a baby again.

 

[CARNAT22]

We had a 26 month gap and I won't lie it hasn't been easy. Even now I'm still on occasion faced with the horrible choice about which child I go to first if they both 'need me'.

James is at terrible 2 age and baby was very clingy and hated being put down..... she has only just eased up.

James was a very good sleeper and an amazingly easy baby BUT even he suffered from teething / sleep regression / leaps and all of these affected his sleep and behaviour. Remember even the best baby can and most likely will have periods when they are more difficult and need more attention.

Its very subjective though and there is no right or wrong answer.

X

 

[Ella1979]

I have 21 months between my two. It goes from being quite easy to almost impossible! I have to say my daughter was very accepting of her brother. She got nightmares a couple of months after he was born, which we think was due to her adjusting, but otherwise it's been ok from their point of view. Now they're both toddlers, they have massive arguments over toys (no sharing happening so far!) and pretty much 80% of the day one of them is in tears (usually my son). I'm currently finding it really hard, however:

1) no more newborn days with barely any sleep - they both sleep from 6.30/7pm through to 6/6.30am, unless ill

2) after a tough couple of months financially (nursery fees) our daughter is now getting her free hours and we're much better off

3) I never have to be pregnant ever again - I had the most traumatic time with my daughter (we both wouldn't have made it had I not gone in to hospital to get some codeine for a "migraine" which turned out to be pre-eclampsia). I knew the longer I put off having another child, the less likely I was to want to have another and so we got on with it as quickly as possible. I ended up with GD, polyhydramnios and bp issues post-delivery, but my planned section was so calm and it was a much better experience all round.

I wouldn't change the age gap as I just don't think I could have coped with a newborn after a few years. My daughter was an amazing sleeper from 3.5 months onwards and it was difficult enough after 18 months or so to go back to sleepless nights.

It's such a personal decision. My advice would be to take everything into account, but try not to overthink things xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I have two friends on either end of the spectrum.

One has 11 months between the two.
She said it's great because she's still in the "baby" frame of mind, still has everything from the first, and they'll get to grow up together.
Not-so-good as they were both obviously still very reliant on her, and she got zero sleep for like 18 months. Also, being pregnant with a six month old was tough.

The other has nine years between her two.
Great because DS (10yo) was extremely helpful, getting her stuff, helping feed DD her bottle, and when DD woke in the mornings, DS would go play with her while mum got up.
DS is plenty capable of entertaining himself, and understanding that baby needs additional attention.
Bad because she's totally out of "baby" frame of mind, has had to start all over again, and had to move house because the two kids can't share rooms.


DS will be 2.5y when DD arrives.
He doesn't understand but I think he'll mostly be very helpful.


I think there's never a right or wrong age gap, just... Whatever happens, happens.
You'll know when the time is right for you to try for another. Xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I read somewhere just in the last couple days that if you're doing something with older child, and baby starts crying, you should stop what you're doing with older child ("mummy just needs to help baby a minute", or whatever), then get back to older child as soon as possible.

Apparently even a little kid has that ingrained instinct when they hear their sibling cry to help, but obviously doesn't have the capability to do so. It can unsettle older child to know baby needs something and is being ignored, even when they can't actually understand it. Xx

 

[Rooster30]

My HV told me to tend to the toddler before the newborn as toddlers are more able to hurt themselves than if a baby is crying in a safe place.

2.5 between my two. My son has really struggled but I think he is starting to adjust. It's been a tough couple of weeks. Luckily my daughter is a good little girl and a much easier baby than my son ever was. Handling a terrible two and a newborn is hard work though. I'm grateful we got him in preschool before the birth as I at least have a couple of mornings where I don't have to worry about him and how I split my time!

 

[CARNAT22]

Lacey, it's a complete judgment call and circumstance dependant.

For example I've left baby to cry for a few minutes whilst I gave toddler his cereal as that way I know I can sit down and give baby an uninterrupted feed. Later on I know toddler will end up waiting for something or another whilst I tend to baby.

It's hard when they both 'need' me at same time so you assess each situation as it arises. It's nowhere near as bad now. In the early days baby was feeding constantly and I was literally stuck to the sofa some days. Thankfully OH extended his paternity leave (well he is self employed and took extra time off) so he helped loads with toddler.

I can't say if things would have been easier or harder with a different gap as I don't know any different but I think all gaps pose their own challenges.

X

 

[Selina13]

Thank you all for your replies, it's something to think long and hard about!
With regards to the SPD it could happen again or not, there's no clear advice about it BUT if I got it again in 2nd pregnancy I wouldn't be having another pregnancy. I think part of me feels it would be a bit easier to have two very little ones rather than having a 2/3 year old charging around and the mini teen tantrums!

It's so difficult because you want to do the best thing for your children and that means being able to fully cope, you don't know if you will cope till your in the situation!!! Lol!

Thanks again ladies, much appreciated! Xx

 

[Ella1979]

Oh and I'm just discovering that with a small age gap it's possibly for both of them to have tantrums! Even worse, they both threw one at the same time the other week. Total nightmare!!!

With the crying thing, it always depended on the circumstances, but if my daughter was safe, I'd go to her baby brother if he was crying and vice versa.

Coping - you will cope! There's really no choice and you'll find ways that make your life a bit easier too.

 

[Iwant3]

I have 4 year gaps between my 3! wasn't intending the gap between my younger 2 to be so big, but ttc was difficult last time round (3 losses). Seems to be an ok gap as the older one is more independent and understands more about the new baby, and my older 2 - 9 year old boy and 5 year old girl still play together a lot.

 

[Pumpkin9]

We're currently trying for our second. I was hoping for a 20 months age gap. I fell pregnant straight away with our first but this time round its proving more difficult and emotionally I'm finding it more challenging. I miscarried and am now trying again so, so far it's taken 5/6 months and no joy.

If your considering it I'd think about what you'd be happy to do and work on the basis that it might take a few months.

 

[T84]

Interesting thread, I'm wondering the same thing! I'm guessing it's equally as hard whatever way lol.

 

[littlemonkey]

Interesting thread, I'm wondering the same thing! I'm guessing it's equally as hard whatever way lol.

That's its! There's no right or wrong, it's all about what you feel comfortable with and even then you will cope no matter what age gap you end up with!

Should have also said financially with my two it's not ideal because of the childcare costs. As it happens it's worked out well for us as my job is at risk and there are opportunities for part time evening work with the same organisation that would eliminate the need for childcare.

 

[LaceyKeo]

Lacey, it's a complete judgment call and circumstance dependant.

For example I've left baby to cry for a few minutes whilst I gave toddler his cereal as that way I know I can sit down and give baby an uninterrupted feed. Later on I know toddler will end up waiting for something or another whilst I tend to baby.

It's hard when they both 'need' me at same time so you assess each situation as it arises. It's nowhere near as bad now. In the early days baby was feeding constantly and I was literally stuck to the sofa some days. Thankfully OH extended his paternity leave (well he is self employed and took extra time off) so he helped loads with toddler.

I can't say if things would have been easier or harder with a different gap as I don't know any different but I think all gaps pose their own challenges.

X

This to me would make most sense.

I just literally in the last couple days read the thing I posted above (in another thread on here, I think, but damned if I know which one now), and figured I may as well share it.

I guess I find out in a couple months how I'd handle it, but, yeah... Case by case would seem by far the most appropriate choice xx

 

[Selina13]

I'm sorry for the sad losses some of you ladies have had, we struggled to conceive then had 2mc before Theo so we know how lucky we are and also how bloody hard the ttc is on you both, how long it takes and the potential for it all to be over so suddenly.
I think we might just bite the bullet and go for it! It could take a year anyway, if it takes a month we will be overjoyed and it will be a blessing.

I suppose with twins or multiples you 'just cope' and with poorly, tantruming, whingy and grumpy kids we cope!

Exciting!! X

 

[Rooster30]

Ohhh good luck Selina

 

[Dotty_woman]

There's three years between my oldest two and then a thirteen year gap between my youngest son and my daughter. When my lads were little it was good having a 3 year gap as I wasn't needing to have a double buggy and my eldest was pretty independent for a three year old. It's a personal preference though. I always wanted to have time to spend with the first before #2 came along so it worked pretty well for us. xxx

 

[Hoping for no2]

I've got 5 years between my two and I think its a good gap. The oldest is at school so I've got loads of time for the baby. Also we've had no jealousy at all and he is very helpful - I can leave then together while I do stuff and my oldest will entertain the baby and let me know if I'm needed. He's also past the tantrum stage which I think makes it much easier. I was worried with a big age gap they won't play together but there's a similar gap between me and my brother and we always played according to my mum.

I also had hyperemesis in my 2nd pregnancy and could not have coped with a toddler when I was that ill, it was hard enough with a 4 year old!!

It's a very personal decision and I know a lot of people prefer them close together.

 

[don-don]

Hey,

There are 4 years between my two children. Perfect age gap for me. My 4 year old is so helpful and he loves his little sister to bits. There is no jealously at all. Hes independant enough, which allows me to attend to my 16 weks old without any fuss or negotiation. I am able to leave them in the room together whilst I do tea etc without any fear that he may unwillingly harm her (which i worry would be the case if he was younger). He goes to school in Sept which will give me more time to spend with my youngest. 4 years is a perfect age gap for me xxxxxxxxxxxxx