Am I wrong/expecting too much? (Balance)

[Savi]

So building on my thread from a few weeks ago (http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/relationships/398696-should-i-withdraw-distance-myself.html) things strangely did improve when I withdrew myself.

What started of as a good evening once again ended in a huge fight last night as soon as I mentioned balance.

We have been offered the opportunity to go overseas for about 7-10 days next year, this would entail us leaving our daughter (3 then) with her grandparents for the period. After mentioning this to my wife she went to discuss it with her parents and the conclusion was that they would be happy to do it but they are concerned that when our daughter spends one night with them now she wakes up asking for her mom occasionally.

My response to this was that I thought it would be good for us to start leaving her with her grandparents for longer periods building up to a trip like this so that she could get use to it and give us some time/balance in our lives again. I also pointed out that this was a discussion my wife's parents had also brought up a few weeks ago as they would simply like more time with their granddaughter.

And then all hell broke loose again. The long and the short of it comes back to that it is her choice to put our daughter first in everything and she isn't comfortable to "abandon" her with other people, even family who she trusts.

I ended the fight eventually by simply stating that I was aware of her choice, respected it and would do whatever I could to support her in that. She needed to take cognisance of it though that I wasn't asking her to do something for me but rather something for us and herself.

Now the question I need to ask is am I in the wrong or expecting too much?

 

[Rachel80]

No & I can't believe you backed down so easily? I'm sorry but she must view you as a push over. I'm in a happy equal relationship & we are counting down the days until we get a holiday on our own next year! My son will stay with his grandparents, his family, an extension of us & we will happily skip off into the sun knowing he's safe & having a little holiday of his own! Relationships are about compromise & it seems v onesided. I personally find a weak man a turn off. Again sorry if this sounds harsh & it is just my opinion. It sounds like she is very reluctant to spend any time alone with you & is going to push & push you into such misery that eventually you make a decision. What is this teaching your daughter about how to conduct a relationship with a man? Good luck!!

 

[Capricorn]

I was very attached to my little man when he was born, but once he got a bit older and began to learn about family members and their roles in his life, he really valued their input. I let go little by little and he now stays over at my parents house regularly. We went away for a weekend and they minded him for us. It was fabulous and I didn't obsess over him at much as I thought I would when he wasn't with me.

Your wife needs to let go, and remember that you created your child with her, together. You both love her equally and you asking for more alone time with wifey isn't you asking her to love her daughter any less.
I think your expectations are perfectly fine, but you need to start believing this and stand your ground.
Good luck xx

 

[parkerfresh]

I agree with Rachel 100%... There needs to be a compromise and you are supposed to be a team. Dont get me wrong, i will go along with anything gf wants to do with small decisions and her little ways of doing things, mainly because i dont really mind and cant be arsed with the headache but when it comes to big things, you have to put your foot down a bit and come to an agreement. It doesnt take long to get worn down, then the resentment will kick in and thats a whole other thread. Im trying to watch my wording here as i dont want a bunch of hormonal women bashing me! i suppose you have to be firm but fair and just talk to her and tell her that you feel a bit pushed out and want some time with her... Its not forever and will be a nice break for both of you.

we are already talking about going away a few months after peanut is due... Life doesnt have to end because you have a child and she really should be grateful that you have the opportunity to go away aswell as supportive family members that are willing to have your daughter stay with them. A LOT of people would kill to have a little break from their kid, it absolutely doesnt mean that you are abandoning them!

 

[knopk@]

I am trying here to look at both sides and i can understand not wanting to leave your child overnight or for long. It sounds like she might be overreacting but you can spend quality time together without leaving your daughter overnight, its all about compromise.

 

[parkerfresh]

I dont think the point is that they arent spending quality time together, i think the overnight without baby is the issue... I think it must be difficult if its the first time, but we all do things we dont want to do... Obviously having a baby is the best excuse to get out of doing anything and all relationships are different. if i was in your shoes, id just sit down with her and ask her nicely, then if she refuses to play along, just accept it... Then when the time comes, just go away on your own, then she'll have time to miss you, realise she's missing out and hopefully wont make the same mistake again... Or you could come back to find the locks changed!!! She may change her mind by the time the trip comes around and the fact that she asked her folks is a positive, but maybe just a bit soon right now? Its a tricky one.

 

[knopk@]

If she is not ready to leave her child - she is not ready, why is it an issue? I havent left my son overnight but i guess the difference is that my husband is fine with that.
She might well change her mind. Just dont force the issue

 

[parkerfresh]

The entire point of this is leaving a child... Not only overnight, but over several nights

"sounds like she might be overreacting"

A lot of women feel that they are fully in charge and like to give the illusion that the hubby has a say when in fact he is along for the ride.

Its great that your husband is fine with all of your decisions and i love the fact that me and my mrs are fitting our existing plans around ours, like i said, everone is different.

Maybe your original post should have been "she is not ready, why is that an issue"!?

im almost 100% wrong though because im a bloke

 

[Baby Bean]

My dd is 3 and I would not feel comfortable leaving her for 7-10 nights while I went on holiday. A weekend perhaps but no way any longer than that. My view is that I chose to have a family and if I want to go on holiday then we do it as a family. Yes balance is needed and we do leave dd overnight with family occasionally but for me 7-10 nights is too long. A 3 year old would not understand that length of separation from both parents.

 

[Rachel80]

I disagree, my son sees his nan & grandad 4/5 times a week & staying with them where he is spoilt & has an adventure is great for him. We did this when we were little & loved it. I wouldn't leave him with anyone else mind you. We'll have families as a family & as a couple. Your relationship is as important as your family unit, kids come first but I refuse to lose the person I was before & become consumed by being a mum & nothing else x

 

[knopk@]

There is nothing wrong in not wanting to leave your child either, its just a different opinion.
I do know a person who leads a life like she used to - daighter is at grandparents while she is off clubbing.
Nothing wrong with grandparents but every mum feels ready at different times plus if you are breastfeeding, you'd need to express.
There is no right or wrong, just different situations. OP's problem that him and his wife disagree

 

[diane]

I agree with Rachel80, that's how I live my life atm and will see how things carry on as lo gets older etc.

In OP's scenario though I really do think that the OP needs to let his wife know exactly how this is affecting him. But if his wife isn't ready then she isn't ready. In all honestly I can see this marriage breaking down, as this is obviously quite a fundamental issue regarding the differences in the way they want to parent, and I can see over time if this continues then the OP [could] eventually end up walking away as he feels that his relationship and marriage becomes lost to being just parents.