Am I over reacting or should I be worried...

[Sarah2615]

Hello ladies,

I apologise in advance if this is more of a rant, I just really need advice! I am now 33 weeks pregnant and since the beginning it has been quite a tough ride with severe HG, horrendous SPD and now I have just been told I have severe anaemia which explains why I am completely drained all the time... But the excitement of meeting our little girl has made all this pain worth it.

Through out my whole pregnancy my partner has worked away most Monday- Fridays down south (which is unavoidable) BUT my problem is he drinks over the limit every single night which to some people is fine and I understand that completely and I don't ask him to stop completely. But the other week I was taken in to hospital and had to rely on my Mum to rush to hospital with me as he had drank too much to come home (which was very embarrassing to admit to my mum).
After that, I asked if he would keep to the limit so if I need him or went in to labour he could be home and he said that he would but it seems to have already gone out the window as even when he wasn't out the other night when he was working away... he still had 4 cans in his room. He came home last Friday and I was extremely ill with sickness but he still went to the pub at half 9 at night and expected me to go sit there with him. Him and his 43 year old friend sat at the pub saying about having nights out through the summer and how good this summer will be etc which is strange because our summers haven't been like that for years! (does he not understand it can't be like that when we have a newborn?!)

I have said over and over I want to start preparing and getting the nursery and hospital bag ready but he keeps saying "we have plenty of time yet"
He is not a horrible partner at all and he says he can't wait to be a dad etc but can anyone think of any way at all I can make him understand or is this a losing battle?? He is 30 years old so it's not like he is 18 who has just started getting into the partying lifestyle.

Again I am so sorry about this long rant, I just don't know what to do! When I tried to talk about it at the weekend, it started an argument.

Thank you in advance for any advice!

 

[Shanivy]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I've not had an easy pregnancy this time around and if my partner was too drunk to take me to hospital I'd be pretty pissed off! Especially if it was a recurring issue. Is it possible he has a problem?

Some might say it's possible he's reacting to his fears of becoming a dad. But to be honest I think that's a bullshit excuse. You're pregnant and having a hard time, he's old enough to know he should be supporting you, not making your life harder right now.

It may be worth having a talk with him again about how you feel. Or write it down for him to read so you don't end up in an argument. Perhaps he doesn't realise the extent of the issue. I'd say the 43 yr old friend isn't helping, his lifestyle is probably very different to a 30 year old about to be a dad. Either way he needs to wise up. Fx for you xx

 

[CMcDx]

Where abouts do you live? Even 1 can is over the limit where I am.
I don't think it's over reacting at all, I don't really want my partner drinking as a "Just in case" but obviously even one drink means he would be over the limit.

 

[Sarah2615]

Thank you so much for your reply! I will attempt another chat with him this weekend (after he has just phoned me up to tell me that him and a friend from work are walking into the town where they are staying for a few drinks)

His 43 year old friend is married to a woman in her 20's and he is desperate for her to agree to have a baby soon so there may be a bitter or jealous streak in the fact that we are having a baby. Which is probably why he sits there telling my partner that having children zaps your life from you etc but there is no excuse to behave like that.

I completely understand that it is a scary process for him too but I am getting quite tired of being so patient with his ways and being too worried about upsetting him when I need some support as well. He also decides now is the perfect time to get a hobby buying watches (an omega watch costing £1600!! which we certainly don't have spare on top of the mortgage and bills!) I feel like I am constantly nagging but there is only so much I can take recently xx

 

[Sarah2615]

We live in Lincolnshire, 1 can limit here too but I feel like if he thought about me enough he wouldn't want to keep drinking but it obviously doesn't matter to him that much.

 

[BunnyN]

I think common sense should be enough for him to realise that he can't carry on like this with a pregnant wife who is struggling and a newborn on the way. I can understand the occasional night out but this sounds very regular. How many days of the week does he actually drink? It sounds a lot like he has a drinking problem to me.

 

[Sarah2615]

Well I was hoping by this point his common sense would have kicked in but it doesn't seem to be the case! Usually Mon-Friday when he is away he will drink. He doesn't usually on Saturdays or Sundays at home. I have said to him before that I feel like he has a problem and he just laughs as if it's a joke. And his excuse is that he is getting it in now whilst he can which is an excuse I can't stand because it's like using this pregnancy as an excuse to drink more than he ever has before...

 

[BunnyN]

I'm not sure anyone can drink fairly heavily Monday to Friday for an extended period of time and not have a drinking problem? It is certainly enough to be hard on anyones health. It is typical of someone who suffers an addiction to find excuses and 'reasons' for it. It's a hard thing to talk about with him if he doesn't want to recognise it yet. Maybe it would help to point out that if he doesn't have a problem then giving up alcohol altogether for a period of time, even if it's just a couple of weeks, shouldn't be a big deal. If he can't stick to that then it's a strong indicator he has a bigger problem.

 

[Sarah2615]

I completely agree, that's why I am getting worried as well as fed up with it to be honest. I can repeat the same conversation over and over but it obviously isn't working. I can't think of what would make him open his eyes and see whats actually going on at home. We have a daughter coming very soon and I desperately don't want to be worrying about this when she arrives.

 

[WinterWolf]

My dad is an alcoholic. It started out like that. Drinks every few nights with friends when we were little. Then it turned into drinks alone in the afternoon, then all day. I hated growing up with a dad like that and I have nothing to do with him now. If anything, youre under-reacting. For the sake of your baby, he needs to get help. He has a drinking problem if he's putting alcohol above you and the baby.

 

[Blank_Page]

I know this isn't helpful re drinking issue but I just wanted to say I had horrendous HG which gave me low blood pressure and anemia too. Its awful and I needed my husband to do literally everything for me I couldn't manage anything. He's not a big drinker but I did make a point of telling him not to have any if he could avoid it in the run up to the birth in case he needed to drive me to hospital. Fortunately when I had to go in it was late morning so less of an issue. But I will say this, I did have tears to recover from but the malnutrition and exhaustion of HG took me 4 months to recover from post birth. You're doing an incredible job so far, its incredibly difficult to deal with. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him because it's not just as a taxi to hospital but you'll need his support during the birth and the next four weeks after are the hardest because you're trying to recover and parent but he needs to be aware of how much extra recovery time you'll need due to the HG.

 

[BunnyN]

Also a hg suffer here, you have my full sympathy.

 

[_GG_]

Yeah, this may sound harsh, but if Dam was like this, I'd straight up tell him to grow the fuck up and cut the drink until after baby is home and settled. Tgis is the most important and scary time for a new mum...Dan is going to visit family 3 hours away this weekend, only because his sister has had a stroke...but he insisted my parents stay with me and since week 34 when he came to the scan, he has only gone to the pub when I've felt good and my parents have been available just in case. He won't drink this weekend in case he needs to rush home.

This is a partnership you are in. You absolutely deserve to rely on him. Ask him how he'll explain to his daughter that nanny had to drive mum to hospital because daddy couldn't even go a few weeks without having too much to drink of a night.

I may sound really harsh, but I think your husband needs to grow up and I think you need to expect and demand more from him at this crucial time in your life together.

 

[MissKW]

It sounds like he is being very selfish. Is this your first? Maybe he is worried about becoming a dad etc and doesn't want to acknowledge it?
Whatever his reason, you need to talk to him as this is difficult for you and he isn't there when he should be, your needs and the babys needs come first and pregnancy is hard at the best of times!
My hubby has always enjoyed a drink, but he's always put me first. When I became pregnant he looked after me when I was ill and would do whatever it took to stay home to look after me ("he works away a lot too). When I was 34 weeks he quit drinking just incase our son came premature, he wanted to be the one who drove us to the hospital and didn't want to miss anything so he took no risks. He was there for every single appointment too. Our son meant the world to him from day 1 and it showed, we were in it together! To be honest I don't think I would have been able to cope without him. He was there to run around after me and the baby in the early days postpartum when I was too sore to move too. In fact he did things for me I never expected any man to do (cleaning sick bowls, putting my used sick bags in his rucksack until we found a bin, hiding me from people whilst I puked on the coach etc on holiday, kept me from fainting in busy ques, sneaked food out from the buffets to bring to me in bed on holiday as I was too weak to get up, going out to find what I craved at silly o clock, did a tonne of research so he knew more about pregnancy and birth than I did, he rubbed my back and feet, and even disposed of my bloody pads during labour, caught my puke in a bowl as I was sick a lot in labour, demanded I was seen by a midwife as at hospital they left me in a visitors lounge with just a small sofa so I had to stay in there until I was 8cm so it's a good job he got demanding when he did as I would have delivered in there otherwise and he also mopped blood off the floor when I had to undress and walk to the shower, all without me asking).
I agree with the above and would be seriously pissed off if my hubby was acting like your OH, it's not acceptable and he needs to grow up and be a man!
If he's like this now, what will he be like when your little one arrives?
I think you need to put your foot down with him. He should be trying to help and make your life easier, not harder.
I hope he comes to a realisation for you soon!