Am I justified to not let him see my micro preemie?

[Evasmum]

Hi ladies.
I gave birth 4 days a go to a little girl at 23 weeks 1 day gestation after my waters broke prematurely. Thank god she is in an okay condition for her age but shes no where near safe from the worst. They have given me a 25% chance of her surviving and she is having some issues with her lungs at the moment so all i can really do is remain hopeful that she will pull through. Anyway her father wanted nothing to do with me or her from the very moment I found out i was pregnant. we where only seeing eachother well "dating" when i found out and it never went any further in terms of a relationship. i told him i was pregnant and he got angry and told me to get rid of it (i do not blame him for him telling me to get an abortion because obviously he was scared but it got worse than that) he kept pressuring me in his words to "hurry up and kill it" he was being nasty to me and stupidly i told him i got an abortion when i didnt, although i did try but couldn't go through with it. 4 weeks later i knew i needed him and thought he might come round so i called him up and told him i lied and i was still pregnant. obviously he was mad and the conversation ended in him calling me numerous names telling me that "thing" aint his baby and he will have his real kids when when he gets married. he then kept calling me every few days asking if i had got rid of it yet (despite me telling him i wasn't going too) when i said no he would get angry and verbally abuse me more calling me a "slut" and "ugly" and telling me he didn't even believe i was pregnant (which i proved with a scan with my name on) he said he thought i was keeping it just to get attention from him which i wasn't because he repulses me. he then told me he didn't want me having his first child because he didn't like me let alone love me. He told me to kill myself and jump of a cliff and said "kill yourself and the baby" he then offered to pay me 3 grand to get an abortion and told me to drink a lot to kill it. he then asked if he could punch me in the stomach, i obviously was appalled and said no and then he said straight after "can we meet" i told him no because i didnt trust him (we haven't met since we had sex) and he said if he was going to "fuck me up" he would just pay someone to do it for him but thats not what he wants. He then became a bit nicer about the whole thing and he said to me that he is sorry how this all turned out but hes not ready and then we didn't speak (this was at 18 weeks)

When i had bubba i text his phone letting him know although i did expect him to get it as i assumed he had blocked me. he didn't say or do anything until yesterday when he called me up. he asked me if he could see her and i said no because i couldn't forgive all the things he said about killing her and wishing her dead and now that she is so ill i couldn't bare to see them together knowing how he felt. he said sorry and said he said those things because he was scared and angry when i wouldn't agree with him and that he just wants to see her in the hospital. he then tries to emotionally blackmail me by saying "if she does die wouldn't you want her to die having met her dad" the thing is its not about me its about him, i feel like if i let him see her i wouldn't be protecting her. he was willing to punch me in the stomach with her if i met him too kill her how can i justify letting him see her

please advice me here

 

[Mommyto3]

I'm really sorry to hear everything you are going through, however there is no way on this earth I would let that disgusting creature near any child of mine. I hope baba is pulling through and continues to do so. Xxxx

 

[wifeywifey]

Im sorry for all you have been through and sending prayers for your little girl. I have to disagree about not letting him near her tho you could arrange it so you are not there and don't have to see him but either way your daughter won't be hurt by one more person loving her.
Well done for not letting him get away with treating you that way tho you are obviously better off without him x

 

[Melily24]

I'm sorry for all you are going through. he sounds unbelievably awful and honestly I wouldn't want him anywhere near my child. But who knows, maybe that wasn't the real him... If you do let him see her, I would make sure someone else is there too - from now onwards. I really don't like his attitude at all. Big hug, wishing you and your LO lots of strength. xxx

 

[Hope81]

Quite frankly I would not only not let him see her but also inform the police of all the threads against you and her.
She deserves much better than that.
I wish you and your girl loads of strength. Congrats on your little baby xx

 

[Lyllian]

I think you should trust your gut. You know whats best for your daughter. If hes threatened violence and daid such vile things i wouldnt let him round mine personally. He may have been the aperm donor but it doesnt automatically make him a father. I hope everythig goes well for your little girl xx

 

[tinselcat]

I wouldn't want this horrible piece of work anywhere near my baby. He's manipulative and nasty and abusive and quite frankly I still wouldn't trust him after what he's said (which was way beyond the bounds of acceptability).

Sorry to hear your baby is so ill, I hope she pulls through just fine, and that you are ok too. You don't need an idiot like this guy in your life at any point, let alone right now. xx

 

[abbieklh]

Please contact the police and keep evidence of this, It may help you later on if there is more trouble.
Cut all contact, change numbers etc and no you should not let him see her, he sounds dangerous.

 

[sianzia]

I am sorry that you had her so early and I hope shes okay. I am in a similar position at the moment (not with a premature baby, but with the babies dad saying similar threats and insults. If I was you I would talk too him. Discuss everything with him and try to understand him, if to you he sounds very sorry and genuine then I would consider it, I know what he said was unforgivable but people say stupid things when their worried. I know what he said was still disgusting and fear does not condone it at all but I think possibly having a baby could change his whole perspective on everything and that's what might have happened. If he ever said anything ever again or didn't seem serious then I wouldn't even bother with him. But if he did and it was my situation I would probably arrange for him to see her at the hospital and I wouldn't attend. Obviously the baby will be extremely well protected with the staff and if you where concerned you could ask a nurse to see the baby with him and not leave him on his own. I think I would want my daughter to meet her dad though not for his sake at all but for her sake. My perspective is that if that was my mum I would have wanted her to let my dad see me despite what he said because people can change and I would want the chance to have a relationship with him. If you don't want him too see him you could think about possibly involving his family is their okay with it. I get the feeling that you want her to have the chance to meet her dad but don't want to feel like a bad mother. I don't think your a bad mother. I think you would be a bad mother if obviously she was out of hospital and you allowed him to see her unattened completly alone without talking things over after all that he said but that isn't the case. I think if you don't want him to see her then your not a bad mum either as I can relate totally. But if you feel like you want her to have the chance of having a 2nd family then think about involving his family and then go from there with him x

 

[mel0013]

I'm so sorry ur having such a difficult time, I hope she'll be ok. Keep us informed.
It's said a persons true character is revealed when they're drunk or scared............I would go Jeremy Kyle style and arrange for him to meet in a contact centre with supervision and tell him if he screws up just once that's it.

I would be really hard on him - becoming a parent is scary and difficult but to say such disgusting things to u is inexcusable. As for making threats towards u and an unborn child that's the lowest of the low. u could of had him arrested and then a restraining order put on him so he seems to be getting off quite lightly. Has he bought anything for ur lo? Is he paying any maintenance? Providing for his child on a regular basis would be a good way to start proving himself as a father.

Let me know how it goes. I hope uve got family around and ur not on ur own xxx

 

[mylullaby]

Oh my goodness. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear your baby is so poorly. Hope you're ok and have plenty of support from your friends and family. What this 'man' said to you is abhorrent. I don't care how scared he was of becoming a dad, there's just no excuse for speaking to anyone like that - let alone the mother of your child. I would completely understand if you refused his request to see your baby and the decision is totally yours - do what's right for you and your baby and focus on getting through this together.

Having said that, perhaps this could be the start of an amicable relationship between you two? I'm just trying desperately to put myself in your shoes and I reckon I'd want to save every ounce of energy to help my daughter fight for her life - not waste it on being caught up in a battle with her father. Conflict with other people is emotionally draining, and combined with everything else you're feeling - the physical, emotional and hormonal aftermath of giving birth prematurely - it could be better for you to give him this chance. Only you can decide that. Maybe he'll blow it - in which case, you'll be sure you're right to cut him out, but maybe he'll have had time to accept that he's a dad and seeing his baby will make him take some responsibility? At least then either way you will know. No more chances. No more abuse towards you. He can see his daughter and you can make arrangements for paying maintenance while he's there.

Oh, and incidentally, maintenance and contact are not connected. I know this isn't going to be your biggest concern while you're baby is so tiny/poorly, but he needs to pay to support his daughter even if he never sees her. And paying maintenance does not give him a right to see her. If/when it comes to that, you can make arrangements for supervised contact due to his threatening behaviour during your pregnancy.

I really hope your baby gets stronger and stronger every day and that it's not too long before she's home with her mummy. Take care xxx

 

[Frenzy]

Something seems off and very dangerous about him. I wouldn't let him near your baby. It sounds like he wanted to meet you to cause harm to your baby so I definitely would not trust him around her especially with her being so premature and vulnerable. I hope your baby is doing well. Congratulations on the birth and sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I can't imagine how worried you must already be for your daughter pulling through without the added stress of such vile threats and blackmail from her father. Honestly, he sounds very dangerous from your description and I would be concerned he might still try to hurt her in some way as he was willing to manipulate you into meeting him so he could cause harm to an unborn child. That is a true psychopath. Keep him far away and involve police if necessary xx

 

[mummyofdragons]

One word No!

He had his chance and he made his decision when you first told him. The fact that he is still being a twat now after all that has happened with Lo should be a warning sign he hasn't changed.

Don't waste any more of your time.

 

[Browneyed Girl]

If I was in this situation I would be doing everything in my power to keep this man away from my baby. This isn't just a man who freaked out about being a dad and might have got his head round it now - he wanted to punch you in the stomach to kill his baby with his own hands! He would need to have got medical help and proved himself over a very long time before I would even consider speaking to him and if he ever sees the baby it should be under proper court supervision. Hope your little girl is getting stronger every day xx

 

[nicejuicypear]

I would not let him anywhere near either of you. I don't understand why some posters are suggesting to give him a chance. He didn't just lose his temper one day and accidently say vile things, he made repeated threats to you and your unborn child over a prolonged period of time. That's not fear, fear is instant and reactive, what he did was symptomatic of a genuinely nasty person, that is his underlying personality.

I agree with what others have said about keeping his threats as evidence. Anything you still have on your phone, screenshot it and save it elsewhere, on a computer, on a password protected image hosting site etc. Even if you don't want to log it with the police now, you can save it for future reference to hopefully never use again.

I would write down his number somewhere so you know it even if you lose it out of your phone and change your number and only give it to people who have no contact with him. I can see no positives for your daughter knowing this man, he is not going to be any kind of role model or positive father figure in her life.

I wish you and your little girl all the best.