Alone

[DWill11]

I don't even know where to begin. I almost feel stupid. I had a miscarriage in February I was 5 weeks, today would have been my due date. It makes my 3rd one, 2nd one in a year. This time it hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart is absolutely broken. I have literally been depressed this entire time it's all I think about day and night. I wasn't able to go to the doctor because of insurance reasons after I miscarried getting insurance didn't seem so important. I have that all straightened out now and I have an appointment set up, I know I need to go. I don't really have a great support group. My friends think I'm selfish because I don't want to go around other people and their babies. I just can't it reminds me. I totally ignore any baby topic with my friends it causes to many problems. My husband has ptsd , he was a infantryman in the Army and deployed to Iraq twice. He was on the front lines and suffered a great deal having to see his friends die and almost dying countless times himself. I can't even begin to imagine what he has gone through. The day I had the miscarriage my husband and I got into a little argument, I felt he wasn't giving me enough attention, I just wanted to be loved on, ya know? He tells me that he's sad too, it was a anniversary of some of his friends deaths. I understand that was a awful thing for him one of the reasons for his ptsd but I still can't help but feel so sad for myself and I could possibly hold this against him and not even mean to. I love my husband so much, I want to be a good wife.
All I think about is the day the doctor said my hcg level was below what it should be, and then the next day it happened I started bleeding and it was gone. My husband was very good with me through the physical pain part, helping me any way he could but when it came to the emotional part of it he disappeared. Day and night I think about losing our baby. Was it a he or she? what would he/she look like? Would I have been a good mom? Why me? was it my fault? Those are just some of the questions I torcher myself with? Am I crazy? Time has flown by so fast It still feels like it was yesterday I found out. Today was my due date and I was feeling extra sad today just thinking to much, I honestly can't help it. I hadn't really said anything to my husband because I didn't want to upset him. My husband informs me that a man he knew in the Army lost his battle with ptsd and took his own life. I am so so sorry for that loss and I comforted him and hugged him and pretended nothing was wrong. He obsessed over it all day like anyone would over their friend passing like I do over our baby, but I still can't help but feel sorry for myself. I am all alone. I really am. I have know choice but to turn to strangers to help me through this. I would just like to know that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and that I can move past this but never forget.

 

[dyscochick]

You aren't alone, you will move on but you will never forget. You have a lot to deal with with your husband but you need support too. maybe sharing would help, only you know that! I found my due date hard, now i'm lucky enough to be pregnant again but I will never forget my lost angel.

 

[Sue Clare]

If you are really struggling, you need to see your doctor ASAP
as you may be suffering from depression.
Time is a huge healer and after suffering from 2 mc, I never
thought I would get over them, but I have, although I will never forget
my 2 lost babies! I appreciate that your oh has a lot to deal with himself, but you
still must get the support that you need. Good luck xx

 

[timtam78]

Awww duck you aren't alone at all, there are so many of us who have gone through similar on here who are here for support. I have just suffered my first miscarriage. My baby's heart stopped at 11wks about 2 weeks ago so it's still fresh for me. I can honestly say that this forum has been amazing, there are so many lovely ladies on here, i couldn't have done without this place. So sorry for what your husband is going through too You both sound like you need a good holiday. Feel free to PM me anytime x

 

[lizsamuel80]

Hi

I have been through 2 miscarriages one in Feb My due date is in the next few days. I've been thinking about it a lot the past week. I still think about my 2 angels every day in some way but I don't tear up anymore.

My husband has explained to me countless times that it is different for him. He didn't go through any changes or give anything up so it didn't feel real he didn't feel connected so it didn't affect him as much. I really think you should try and talk to someone else because with what you husband is going through he is not in a position to help properly. You must still keep the communication going between you so you both know how the other feels but just having a 3rd person will help too.

Good Luck!