after pregnancy worries

[xchrxstxnax]

I feel like I post far too many threads here but hopefully someone can give me some advice haha. I'm 7 weeks pregnant currently, and I've stated in a previous thread that my partner has two children from a past relationship. I worry about this as honestly I'm not too sure how the children will take to my own child, and how our housing situation will work out.

We moved into a brand new house in January and I really do not want to move, it's my dream house and we have wonderful neighbors and it's in a quiet area, I wouldn't want to change it for anything. Sadly, myself and my partner take his children for half a month every month, and as they already share a room at the moment there will be no space in the house for my newborn once he/she needs their own room. We will need to move eventually and it's worrying me thinking that I will need to up and move through no fault of my own.

I know that this is selfish of me to think but I wish sometimes that things were easier and that I didn't have the worry of other children and my partner's ex partner who's rude towards me, I know that she will think of my child as an afterthought and she'll expect my partner to feel the same and treat my child the same, which is unfair and horrible. Surely I can't be being selfish for asking that for the time being when I give birth I can be alone with my child for a bit more than two weeks a month? I know it's horrible to expect him to have his children for less time but I will be stressed enough as it is being a first time mum to a newborn, let alone having to look after a 4 and 6 year old that aren't mine?

I really feel horrible and selfish but I can't find a way that I'd cope with three children and moving house if it comes to it!

 

[Shepherdess]

I would think it awful if you asked your partner not to have his children, for him and the poor kids. I'm sure they'd feel so pushed out at that age and deserve to see their dad.

I mean maybe ask that the first two weeks once baby is here they don't stay for the full to weeks if that would be too much but after that I think you need to keep the normal routine. I'm sure the children will want to see baby to

What does your oh think of your thoughts?

Also, and this may just be the way I'm reading what you wrote but you said you'd be upset to move "through no fault of your own", it's not the children's fault either and technically it is your fault for choosing to have a baby after youd already moved. honestly you should have maybe considered this a bit more before you moved

 

[xchrxstxnax]

Hi there - I completely agree with everything you have to say 100%. I believe I’m being horrible for asking for time with my newborn and pushing the other children away, however we look after his children when he works all day every day of the week usually (he usually has Friday-Monday off if he isn’t needed), which would mean it’s just me home alone with three children all day. I get on okay with them both for the time being as one is in school already but I worry that I’ll not cope very well looking after my own baby and them every day. My partner is in a job too where unfortunately paternity leave is not an option :/
Unfortunately I was unaware that I would be able to get pregnant as easily as I did, I was taken off birth control by my doctor as it was making me unwell and I was suffering from blood clots and the likes, I was told from early on in my teens that I had problems with my uterus, and my chances of having children were between 20-30%.
I moved house before being taken off the pill and at the time a two bedroom home was of course all myself and my partner were entitled to, and at the time of course I had no worries as I wasn’t planning on having children.
My OH agrees that it is a big expectation of me and that I’ll be incredibly tired, he worries about me a lot, but of course I knew what I was getting into and I accept that completely. It’s just hard to think of if I’ll be able to cope with this or not honestly.

 

[WinterWolf]

You could put the kids in daycare/kindy while you have the newborn if you're worried about being with them all day. They'd be seeing their dad when they get home and you'd get a bit of a break. You'll have to move but if you've got two kids in one room, you were going to have to move at some point anyway. You'll find another nice house, don't worry about that.

Not trying to be mean but this isnt "through no fault of your own" - you chose to have unprotected sex (could've used condoms), you chose to be with a man who has children, and you chose to live in a two bedroom house. This kind of situation isn't great for anyone involved and a lot of compromise is required from everybody. Please don't ask your partner not to see his kids - you knew they were part of the deal when you got with him.

 

[Kholl]

I echo what the others said here. Shift the focus from worrying about yourself and how you'll cope to worrying about those kids and how THEY will cope. They are being asked to take on too much for children already: being shuffled between houses, living through their parents' splitting up, embracing you as a new mother figure, and probably (when they find out about the baby) feeling rejected and marginalized themselves by the new addition. They will be terrified that their dad will love the new baby more, and if you limit their time at your home instead of treasure and protect it, they will only feel that more.

You are the adult here. You will do what mothers have done throughout the history of time: you will deal. You will find a way. You will make sure those kids know they are precious and they are your (and your partner's) priorities. If you can have a friend or family member come stay close or with you for awhile after the baby is born to help, do that. But don't compromise what those kids need for what you need. You are a grownup, you can understand your feelings and you can deal with them, as adults do. Those kids need extra love and support and, most of all, time with their dad.

 

[Loula]

First of all congratulations. Early pregnancy is never fun and hormones and I'll feeling can make you feel all sorts.
Your partners children are having a little sibling I'm sure they will be ok with it eventually but please include them not push them away.
Me and my partner have just had a baby I already have a nearly 6 year old and she wasn't too pleased at first and it was an emotional rollercoaster with her but now 4 weeks in she totally dotes on her sister and his children will too unless anyone fills their minds with doubt either you him or their mum.
As for rooms don't worry too much as baby can be in with you for as long as needed. Yes you have your dream house but as families get bigger your home will need to too.
As for after birth and coping, you say your OH doesn't get paternity is he expecting to go back to work straight away leaving you with 3 kids. My OH took annual leave as we would have been better off money wise. He needs to do his fair share too, what if you have to have a c section where you are limited in what you do for 6 weeks he can't expect you to do it all. He needs to support you.

Take one step at a time. Enjoy your pregnancy because it will be over before you know it and take one step at a time. We all find ways to cope because as a mother we have to. Life is a challenge but we don't give up we find solutions x

 

[Shanivy]

Firstly congratulations and hopefully you've had time to process things. I'm sorry I'm going to sound harsh but I sort of feel for the kids if im honest.

I think it would be worth speaking to your partner about this now. Starting a relationship or family with someone who already has children means you need to accept they are already a parent. No matter what happens with your relationship, he will always be their father, just as he is the father to your baby.

The way you feel about your baby is the way he feels about those children, it may be worth remembering that. I'd say they have a lot to deal with, accepting their dad is having another baby with someone who isn't their mum is a lot to deal with. It does sound like you are placing your child above them, which I suppose is natural, but it's certainly not their fault you are now a step mum. You haven't mentioned their ages, and perhaps your partner will have to look into paternity for the first fortnight if they are staying with you. So you can share the responsibility while you recover from birth. Obviously you need time with the baby to bond too. But if these were your two children, you'd not be considering them a burden in the same way. I think you both need to sit down and discuss the situation to be honest. It is his responsibility to make it work for the five of you too, not just yours.

As to the housing, if moving is the only option then I'd not worry too much over it. His children are likely not going to be stopping staying over, and baby is coming so I'd figure a way to make them work as three or find a bigger place xx

 

[floridamom]

I think I agree with the above comments. This is going to be a huge adjustment not only for you, but for your SO and his kids. As someone who has a six year old that doesn’t have a relationship with his father I would be so hurt and disappointed if my SO suggested we have my son less or that he held the new baby as a higher priority. I explained and he understood at the beginning of our relationship that my son was part of the package and he has done nothing but completely embrace that which makes my situation so much better. I think it’s udnerstandable if you want a week or two to adjust, but to ask for him to get his kids less is going to most likely make them feel unwanted. I’m sure it is doable and as a mother I underestimated myself a lot as far as what I could handle and I’m sure you are going to do fine - there are a lot of women who have multiple children and do great with bringing an infant in. Embrace your growing little family, stay strong and positive, and include your SO’s kids as much as you can. As far as housing it sounds like you need a bigger house and I’m sure there are more beautiful houses with wonderful neighbors out there too. Good luck!