A bit of advice needed - apologies if insensitive post xxx

[Louise2013]

I am really sorry if this is an insensitive post; please know it is not intended to be. I am just seeking some advice on a sensitive matter and, without wanting to upset anyone, thought this would be the best place to ask.

Our best friends have just had their first round of IVF and two days ago found out it had failed. They have been TTC for about four years, are of course, desperate to conceive and have been riding the 'rollercoaster' of emotions for that time. In the time they have been TTC, friends and family have, as is often the case with age group peers, started having families of their own; us included. To add insult to injury, in some cases, again, ours included, the journeys of everyone else around them seem to have been relatively smooth by comparison (I know it isn't always like that behind closed doors.....but you get what I mean).

Anyway, we've always taken the approach that is they want to talk about things, then they will; I cannot, of course, understand first hand how hard it must be, but I can imagine having people ask questions about such an emotive subject when you are not ready/happy/open to talking about it must be incredibly upsetting and frustrating, so we just, don't. Every once in a while, over a few wines, they do open up and are very honest and candid about things and their feelings and experiences, but we always let it happen on their terms (we have said the classic 'we're here of you need us' type of thing, but feels so bloody lame). The only not-really-similar-at-all comparison I have is having experienced miscarriages in the past, and having people ask me about 'when are you going to have kids' etc when that was happening was horrible; but I always felt like at least during that time I had one foot in the door in the sense I knew I 'could' get pregnant, I just needed to make it happen again etc...... but I found hearing pregnancy announcements during those times really hard. Anyway, in the past six weeks, no less than six friends and family have all announced they are expecting, including her sister, SIL, two colleagues and two other friends, so the pain of their first IVF BFN is taking a bit of a double whammy in some ways. Pregnancy is everywhere they turn.

I know this is probably going to sound utterly pathetic, and horribly self-indulgent, for which I apologise, but they are so, so desperately sad at the moment and I know this is probably actually a ridiculous question so please don't hate me for it, but is there anything at all we can do to, well, help isn't the right word is it..... I don't know. I feel absolutely gutted for them. We - and everyone around them it seems - have been so, so blessed and it just doesn't seem fair that they are struggling so much. I appreciate IVF comes with BFNs for many first time round, but there was so much hope and excitement.... We see them every few days, but this week, we haven't; understandably. I don't want to walk on eggshells as that seems insulting, but am I right to assume all we can do to 'support' is just carry on as before? If they want to talk about things, then they will??

Again, I am really sorry if this is an insensitive post, and I appreciate this is potentially only a mid-point of what may yet be a long journey to come, but it is really playing on my mind (again, sorry if that sounds 'me me me', I hope you understand what I mean) that I don't know if I can do anything else to be supportive etc........

Thanks for reading; much much appreciated xxxxx

 

[Rebecca2014]

Didn't want to read and run, all you can do is be their for your friend, allow them to talk to you when/if they wish too, as they might not want to talk about it but allow them to know you and your OH are there to support them in any way you can which will leave your relationship with them open enough for them to speak to you about things if they wish. It sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, my friend was told she couldn't have kids (i was 20 weeks pregnant at this point which kind of made things a bit awkward therefore i confronted it head on and said i was there if she needed someone to talk too) about 5 weeks later, she fell pregnant naturally and unintentionally as she was getting the injection, whilst away on holiday she then suffered a miscarriage, when she came back i felt awful because ive been blessed to have a easy journey and it seems life isn't being so kind to her, but again i decided it is best to keep things out in the open, i expressed my apologies and that i'm there for support anytime day or night. I hope this helps and i havent just rambled on, good luck ++ try not to work yourself up or stress yourself out as its not good for you or babs! xx

 

[Louise2013]

Thanks - it's just a big pile of sh*t for them.

And not rambling at all! I really appreciate your help! xxxx

 

[flisstebbs]

Slightly different situation, but when I was having rmc, I would have done anything for my friends to just ask how I was, and to treat me normally as they would have for anything else awful going on. What was so isolating was people pulling away, staying quiet, for fear of saying the "wrong thing" said nothing which I still find hard to get over. The friends I have left after it all are the ones who were "insensitive", and let me talk, have a cry, a gnashing of teeth, and play with their babies (and sniff the cute lil baby heads as this is supposed to help!), and generally were normal with me and often opened a conversation with "well you're having a crappy time, I'm so sorry..."

I would say just stop worrying about being "insensitive" because clearly you are a lovely friend who is feeling the pain of your friends situation. Just tell them you feel terrible for them, and how s**t its been for them, and keep encouraging them that they will get there, and their baby will be so special when they arrive.

 

[Louise2013]

Slightly different situation, but when I was having rmc, I would have done anything for my friends to just ask how I was, and to treat me normally as they would have for anything else awful going on. What was so isolating was people pulling away, staying quiet, for fear of saying the "wrong thing" said nothing which I still find hard to get over. The friends I have left after it all are the ones who were "insensitive", and let me talk, have a cry, a gnashing of teeth, and play with their babies (and sniff the cute lil baby heads as this is supposed to help!), and generally were normal with me and often opened a conversation with "well you're having a crappy time, I'm so sorry..."

I would say just stop worrying about being "insensitive" because clearly you are a lovely friend who is feeling the pain of your friends situation. Just tell them you feel terrible for them, and how s**t its been for them, and keep encouraging them that they will get there, and their baby will be so special when they arrive.

Thanks hun, that is a great perspective. Like you say, when we do talk about it we are very much in the camp of 'well this is just utter sh*t isn't it?' but I think you are right in that I am too oversensitive about worrying about offending them etc. I think also, because when I was having mcs I chose NOT to talk about it to anyone (none of our friends/family were aware) I don't really know how to handle it the other way round..... Stupidly, we have always planned to ask them to be godparents to our little ones (when we get round to actually sorting out some sort of event!!) but now I worry it's will come across as being a 'pity' request when it's been the plan all along! So I am definitely over thinking it and need to snap out of it....... I just wish I could help one of those god damned bloody embryos to do it's damned thing, get snuggled up in there and just bloody grow, grow, grow.....