Thank you ladies
It's been a real roller coaster. At first it was such a shock and we were back and forth about how we'd planned to wait and were we really ready now and was having one now the best idea. Then we really thought about what the implications of our fears meant, and decided we were being silly and that there's never a perfect time.
After seeing the doctor and working out the dates, informing my boss that I wouldn't be doing any heavy lifting etc and letting my mum know that we were expecting, it had really sunk in. We started getting so excited and even had a very giddy conversation about possible names. Being hot for planning everything, we had covered all the bases of what we would to do go ahead with our summer plans and me still be able to join in. How long we would wait to tell his children and how to do it.
After a week of knowing and symptoms becoming ever more obvious, I was looking forward to joining the tri 1 ladies and swapping stories. It was literally as soon as it had become very real that it all went wrong. I woke up yesterday morning and knew I felt different, went straight to the bathroom, was met with blood on the tissue and had to then tell OH that I didn't think we were pregnant anymore.
I went straight to the hospital and was fasttracked through to the EPU. They were really lovely in there and very delicate and sensitive towards both of us. We were both devastated and I kept crying everytime we were left alone and a few times when the doctor was talking us through everything.
There was an awful woman in the waiting room, there were a few ladies and partners / family members in there and she walked in, looked at everyone and said very loudly 'well it's like death in here!' Then sat down and said 'so, are we all here for the same reason? She then went round the room and the other people said they were all in for an early scan. Then she stared at us - along with the rest of the people - and said "we're all waiting for you!". I nearly burst in to tears and had half a mind to tell her exactly why we were there to shut her up. But OH gave me a squeeze and mumbled something about just having a check up.
After a long day in the hospital we went to the shop to get a drink and something for dinner. We had to walk past the baby clothes and all the newborn things were on the end facing out in to the isle. I got two steps past them and broke down in tears in the middle of tesco. Again OH was superb and gave me a big squeeze and covered my face from the rest of the shoppers.
We stopped for a coffee after and talked through it all and made sense of everything. After that I felt much better. Whilst it was nice and we'd got excited, now we have the chance to wait and be better prepared. And it made it really clear that it was never our decision if we were ready, it had plans of its own and we had no choice in that.
I am sad, and keep getting a bit teary. We can't changed what has happened, but we can be more prepared for the future and look forward to all the things to come.
The whole experience has brought us much closer together. And also quashed my fears that OH didn't really want a child with me. He said he was so happy and excited, and he was previously slightly worried, but now he knows for sure that having a family of our own is what he wants and has said we will try as many times as it takes.
So whilst it is sad, and painful (mentally and and physically) there's lots to look forward to for the future. And it will be much better that time round as now we have time to sort out all of the things we were worried about without a short timescale. We won't have to rush or settle for things that will 'do' because we cant afford it or don't have time to keep searching. (A bigger house, a better car, space enough for all the children and the dog etc). And time to save.
Next time some of these pressures we would have had to face will be alleviated therefore it will be less stressful and more enjoyable for us both than this pregnancy would have been.
So even though it is sad, we can look forward to doing it all 'properly' next time
every cloud has a silver lining hey?
Thank you ladies, i'm glad to be back in the waiting game with you wonderful, wonderful bunch x x x
Selfishly it is nice to have you back.
