Ttc depression

[SpiritedAway]

I am at a loss.. With getting my bfn when we both thought I was pregnant to showing my previous temp chart to someone and they thought I hadn't ovd, to now my results coming back and ive missed yet another 21 day test with signs of high oestradiol levels.

I think I cracked.. I knew it was going to be hard but now I have another month of worry and stress over tests looming over me. It's so niave and selfish of me to think I could possibly get pregnant so quickly I know. I'm so sorry to everyone who is struggling, I feel so damn selfish but I feel like there is something wrong with me and I'm letting my husband down.

I have never felt so low and inconsolable, it's almost like an emptiness and an ache inside that I've failed us and I get to the point now where I don't know what to do. I keep having panicking attacks at night in bed that I'm not ovulating and we will never have our little one. I'm afraid of sharing it as I don't want to put more pressure on my relationship but I don't really have any friends who can understand.

Has anyone else got like this? Does this last forever as I'm afraid I'm getting very depressed but if I stop now I'll have to restart my hospital referral. I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

 

[tootie]

I am so sorry you feel this way. Ttc is an incredibly emotional journey, please don't feel selfish, you are only human. Keep on the path you're on, you're on it for a reason and I am a great believer in fate. Good things and bad things happen for a reason. I wish you every ounce of luck there is. I'm sorry I have no personal experience of the physical trials you are facing, but I hope you find inner peace because feeling this way is horrible. I've been there. xx

 

[SpiritedAway]

I am so sorry you feel this way. Ttc is an incredibly emotional journey, please don't feel selfish, you are only human. Keep on the path you're on, you're on it for a reason and I am a great believer in fate. Good things and bad things happen for a reason. I wish you every ounce of luck there is. I'm sorry I have no personal experience of the physical trials you are facing, but I hope you find inner peace because feeling this way is horrible. I've been there. xx

Thanks Tootie, It's a mix, not many of my friends tried, it was just happy accidents so can't relate and I have no idea how long it's suppose to take or what's normal. Maybe I've been too calculated with it all but when I saw my results and got told my chart didn't show ovulation I broke down.

I'm trying to tell myself I can't read results and as it was my first chart prehaps I fudged it and I don't know my pattern until I've done atleast 3 to get an idea of my temps.

Big I never thought it would be this emotional but I'm being strong and taking days for myself as I'm determined not to get depressed over this. Cross fingers we get our bfps xx

 

[flexilexi394]

Hey love,

Firstly I just want to show my support! I had a happy accident of a child a few years ago, who is now a nearly 5 year old, and now I am physically TTC, I never ever anticipated how hard and emotional it is. I promised myself I would not become one of these "crazy tracking women" (no offence people, it is just what an outsider thinks like) until I became one myself.

What if you tried like "backing off" the whole tracking your cycle thing? Just enjoying things again.... I don't know your situation too well, they are purely suggestions to try and make you happier

It is far more stressful and emotional than I could have ever imagined, however this month I am just relaxing, my OH doesn't do well with pressure either and has voiced that quite openly! So the relaxed approach is the only way for us, as I would just get swamped personally.

We all need to remember what we are doing is to make a baby and the only way we are going to achieve that is by having a happy, stress free environment for a healthy embryo to grow.

And then being pregnant is very tough as well, and keeping sane through pregnancy can be really really hard too, you have just got to visualise the future and visualise holding your baby. If you can see it in your head, you can hold it in your hand xx

 

[Nemi]

I'm sorry that you feel so bad!

I also get down about all the bfn's I keep getting.

I know its easy to say (and not so easy to do) but stress can actually stop you ovulating so staying calm and relaxed is important while ttc. Maybe try meditation or yoga to relax yourself?

I'm no expert as I still haven't had my bfp, but personally I am trying to keep fit, eat healthily and just enjoy all the baby dancing and time I can spend with my husband.

FX you get your bfp soon

 

[SpiritedAway]

Flexilexi - Thank you hun that really helps. My DH cottoned on to the fact I was upset and said exactly the same, despite our loss I've been pregnant before, this is our first chapter and pregnancy or bringing up a child will get harder at points so just enjoy it while we can and relax.

I agree, I guess I've just got very worried over this whole testing business and felt alone in it all. My major worry is I might not be able to concieve and ive been doing it all wrong as I can't get charting right so relying on my app days and possibly missed ovulation.
Last month was my whole take a step back and it was lovely to just be us again but then it ended with this and the test business.

I think im being far too calculated and worrying over what i cant control.

Nemi - Thank you, I think I just needed to get it out and know I'm not alone in it all. I think if I kept it any longer I'd have a big crash so maybe that would help as I seem to brood in the evening more than anything. I hope you get your Bfp too lovely xxx

 

[Nemi]

No problem SpiritedAway, its great to have this place to vent and tht there are other people who understand what we are going through.

If I was to try speaking to my OH about it this obsessively he would think I was mental! haha!

 

[MrsS15]

I really feel for you spiritedaway, trying for a baby is so hard emotionally. It makes us completely doubt ourselves and second guess everything! It's the not knowing if our body is doing everything right, I think. We don't know if or when it's going to happen and it's horrible. Getting af and knowing it's a whole month you need to go through everything again is soul destroying. It's easy to get dragged down by it!

Be positive, it's happened before so you know it can again. I really would recommend not doing the charts (you can go mad with those!) And just dtd every second day or daily around the time you think you might be ovulating. You'll get there lovely, we all will. Big hugs xxx

 

[SpiritedAway]

I really feel for you spiritedaway, trying for a baby is so hard emotionally. It makes us completely doubt ourselves and second guess everything! It's the not knowing if our body is doing everything right, I think. We don't know if or when it's going to happen and it's horrible. Getting af and knowing it's a whole month you need to go through everything again is soul destroying. It's easy to get dragged down by it!

Be positive, it's happened before so you know it can again. I really would recommend not doing the charts (you can go mad with those!) And just dtd every second day or daily around the time you think you might be ovulating. You'll get there lovely, we all will. Big hugs xxx

I think it's the lack of control of my body. I have suffered from depression in the past but usually I can step back and say ok right we can change this and with time I'm back in control. This though is completely out of my control and I want to know what's going on to fix it but then having panic attacks.

Luckly DH has been super, he's bought me clearblue ov tests and books this evening lol. I decided that I'm taking a step back again this month and hopefully this is just a blip.

I'm determined to stay positive, ive just been pushing all of this and finally broke over the weekend. Big hugs back to you hun xxx

 

[MrsS15]

You're right, it is the lack of control and unknown. It does a lot to your state of mind! I've struggled a lot with depression in the past and it's very recently come back to haunt me, I'm struggling a lot. I keep thinking if I get my bfp it'll do me the world of good but in the mean time the stress of trying is doing me no good. I just cant get it right

You sound much more positive and your hubby sounds lovely. I'm so glad! We all need to vent it out sometimes and that's what we're all here for xx

 

[SpiritedAway]

I just needed a good cry and to get it all out, its just these evenings where I sit after a long day and I just fester and worry so I can't sleep.

I can really sympathise on the depression, this isn't something I've felt for years though and I have no intension of going on tablets so it came as a shock and scared me. I am feeling a bit better now though and I need to get over this myself.

Thanks for all your help girls, it is really appreciated and knowing I'm not alone. I just feel very selfish going on about my silly number of months so I am sorry to you lovely ladies who have been trying longer and to all xx

 

[Joolz1975]

I had a meltdown a couple of nights ago, just thought why the hell at 40 years old with two kids am I putting myself through this!!

Smashed a cup by squeezing it too hard as I was mad with hubby then sat on floor in bathroom crying for an hour! Completely unlike me but my tww has turned into a 3 ww and I just want AF to come so I know my body is working.

My worst fear is that the supplements I have taken have messed my cycle up and will take months to get back to normal (time I don't feel like I have )

Also worry I'm maybe not ovulating at all, my chart says I am but I'm new to this so know nothing.

It's a hard journey so please don't let it get you down, yes try for a baby but remember to have fun along the way and enjoy the life you have now too.

Xx

 

[phonixgirl]

I had to be off work in March with depression because it all got too much! I know for a fact it is all my fault and DH would be a daddy by now if it wasn't for my women's bits and hormones. I feel ok at this point in time but sometimes I do worry I'm not ovulating (despite what docs say) and that my issues are just too bad to ever be able to get pregnant. I think it is very normal to feel like this if you don't get pregnant straight away (as society makes you feel like you should).

The other day I got upset because a guy at work asked a girl when she was going to have a baby... Then said "tick, tock, tick, tock..." - she is four years younger than me! Then I got upset about the new absence policy because I will need sick time during IVF and it seems like the world is against me lol.

But you have been pregnant before and, as the others say, it will happen and then all of this will be worth it xxx

 

[SpiritedAway]

Thanks Phonix and Joolz I'm so sorry, its terrible when you feel like this and its true everything around you reminds you of babies and people are mentioning it constantly. I'm hoping that you both get your bfps soon, stay postive with me xxx

I told my DH, we talked for a long time I think I got over my bfn this month but this was just over the fact that I had to do these sodding tests again and the worry I'm not ovulating so I just cracked with the stress.

I'm trying to keep positive and get myself out of bed, I need a distraction I think just to get me through the month.

 

[broody2013]

I really feel for you Spirited. Big hugs and use this place for support a lot of us are in a similar boat.

 

[Ragdoll]

SpiritedAway - big hugs to you , you've come to the right place , everybody here is wonderful and it's good to share feelings with those who understand. I have never been diagnosed with depression , but I am feeling very close to it right now. I feel like I have spent nearly all my adulthood trying for babies and being poked and prodded. I TTC when I was 22 for 3 years with an ex. I am now 29 and have been trying 1 year and a half with my fiancé. I had to repeat all the tests again which really got me down.

The best thing I can suggest is find something , some sort of project to throw yourself into . I'm currently decorating and dressing my home with lovely colours and cushions and candles etc. Some people like baking or crafts etc. I'm finding that now I've started doing something it's easing my pain and sadness a bit. I recently got a pair of kittens too and they have been good therapy for me.

Also , remember you are not alone . We are all here to listen to and support you xxx

 

[SpiritedAway]

Thanks Ragdoll for your lovely post

I took a step back for the whole of November on the forums as I felt it was becoming a big focus of our lives. I did start little projects and I've just got a job interview so I'm keeping busy.

The tests are a big pressure on you, it's even worse when you have to face up to there being something wrong with you.. and incredibly frustrating as I can't control it and can't get answers until I see a specialist.

AF started and it's the worse on my moods so right now I'm trying to be productive with Christmas and projects so not to let it get to me.

Thanks for all the kind words everyone and to us all x

 

[Ragdoll]

Hope your interview goes well ! I'm glad you've got bits and bobs to do and you're right it helps having a break from here even ! Baby dust right back at you x

 

[SpiritedAway]

Hope your interview goes well ! I'm glad you've got bits and bobs to do and you're right it helps having a break from here even ! Baby dust right back at you x

Oh thank you ! I'm nervous as anything.. I think if I don't get it I'm going to cart my butt off to Hobby craft and get in things to make Christmas decs just to keep me occupied!