Trying to stay calm..

[Jaded Diamond]

Unsuccessfully.
I just don't know what to do with myself. Over the last couple of days I've started spotting and today I've had this horrible dull ache by my left hip/waist type area.
Last night I put it down to me having a massive coughing fit and possibly that straining something or something like that. Later last night when I checked again there were no actual clots/streaks of blood, but my CM was more of an ecru colour instead of the clear/creamy colour it had been.
Then today I've kind of avoided checking for fear of setting myself off (like this!) but I wiped before and I just kind of knew that there was something there, so I looked, and more blood.

I rang the labour ward (my midwife gave me their number just incase I needed advice in the middle of the night) and the midwife there was polite (she said no disrespect before she said..) "theres nothing we can do"
I actually feel like I'm falling apart. Before now i've had 7 miscarriages between June 2005-Dec 2006 and then I had to stop trying because I just fell apart. I'm not sure I can handle going through all the emotions again without breaking completely, so I'm scared to goto the hospital incase they tell me that, but at the same time, I need to know. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Sorry for going on, I just needed to get it all out of my head. (12w4d when making this post)
xx

 

[HannahD]

Oh sweetheart, I completely understand how you're feeling. I know this is easier said than done but try to relax, it is most probably nothing and a lot of women get a little bleeding now and then.
Can you go up to the EPU tomorrow and get them to scan you just to make sure all is well. I know that's a terrifying prospect but I think you need to find out what's going on for your own sanity.

I know how frightening it is and I wish i had the words to make it less scary for you.

Take good care and I all will be well

 

[trixipaws]

eep i can only imagine how u must be panicking but like hannah said lots of women do get bleeding- i kno someone on here who had blood pouring out of her but it was just cervical erosion nothing wrong with the baby.

i would get to ur EPU tomorrow tho to be checked- jus for peace of mind, either get an emergency GP app and ask for a referral straight there or see if u can go straight in. i think if pregnant women who are bleeding go to A&E they are referred to EPU and scanned too, altho i'm not sure as never done that.

got everything crossed for you all will be well

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Thanks Girls.
Had to get it out of my head properly, and not in 1st tri. Will try and keep my worries in here from now I think.
I think G's going to take me down in the morning/to the doctors and see if they'll refer me.
Thank you for listening/reading. xx

 

[Minxy Moo]

Try and insist on being seen. I had the same thing and went to my GP who wouldn't refer me as he said it wouldn't change the outcome and as it was only spotting no clots etc. then I should just go home and wait. It took myself straight to A and E and they reluctantly referred me straight to EPU although (male doc again) said they had a new policy of not scanning in tht situation (?). However i think they knew I was going nowhere until seen! In my last preg it happened again and a female GP offered to refer me immediately to EPU so try and see a woman!

Good luck and put your foot down. Whatever they say, living with the constant worry is awful and you need to know what is going on. Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

 

[jsykes1975]

Looking forward to hearing some good news tomorrow.

Will be thinking of you,

Julie xxxx

Emma Mary 18 wk miscarriage 02.05.08 Always Missed

 

[niblet]

I'm thinking of you lots, JD. I am praying everything is okay for you and your baby. Take care of yourself and good luck at the doctors today. x

 

[HannahD]

My GP was useless, well actually I couldn't get passed the receptionist to see the gp!! I went straight to A+E, they took bloods and I was scanned straight away. They were absolutely brilliant and they kept a really close eye on me. I'd definitely recommend bypassing your dr and going straight to hospital, they'll only refer you there anyway.

Good luck hun, thinking of you and all is well.

 

[Anna23]

hope the bleeding has stopped hun and i hope all is ok

 

[Serendipity_]

Hope you are ok sweetie

 

[uknitty]

Oh my. I am so sorry to hear this. My heart is in my mouth for you.

I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better.

I posted almost the same thing as you did - word for word, so I can strongly relate to the feeling

so I'm scared to goto the hospital incase they tell me that, but at the same time, I need to know. I just don't know what to do with myself.

When I had the EP I was wiping but not wanting to look on the hour every hour.

You need to go to the hospital to get some answers, and don't allow them to fob you off with the "nothing we can do" line. They can at least give you some clarity as to what is going on and you have the right to know. You deserve to be looked after and supported.

Please let there be good news for you ....

XXX

 

[HannahD]

Did you go to the hospital today hun? How are things?

Thinking of you and sending loads of xxx

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Thank you all for your kind words & support.
We went to a&e last night as the pain got worse. After waiting for nearly 4 hours in the a&e waiting area with drunkern people with cuts etc. I was taken straight to the gyne ward where a doctor did an internal and my cervix was still closed, she could see there'd been bleeding but said that it was nothing major. I was given some paracetamol and put on the day ward which was empty apart from a lady with gall stones, and the biggest snore I've ever heard. That was at about 4am (was shattered by then and fell asleep dispite the snoring!)
This morning the bloods the doctor who did my internal did came back and I heard them whispering in the corner, which naturally had me intrigued as to why they were whispering, so when the ward doctor saw me and said my bloods had come back I straight out asked her what my hCG levels were, she said just over 800.
They then rushed me for a scan, which backed up what the bloods showed. Another missed miscarriage.
Sadly little Fernando had fallen asleep at around 10 weeks, I think deep in our hearts we knew, I know in hindsight I did. We'd only managed to agree on finding the heartbeat on the doppler once, at around 9 and a half weeks, since then we'd been unsure, but saying to each other that we had to stay optimistic.
The sonographer was lovely, unfortunately G was at work this morning as we were expecting everything to be ok, and he managed to get to the hospital about an hour after the ultrasound. She spent awhile looking around and then said "its sad news i'm afraid" Which after the blood results I was kind of expecting but still it hit me like a 4 tonne truck.
She then asked me if i'd like a picture, which I then burst into tears and said yes please.
The ultrasound room was across the corridor from the day ward I was on, so she checked the corridor was clear and we scooted back across, drew the curtains round and I thanked her for being so nice and as soon as she was gone I just fell on the floor, I think I actually felt my heart break.
Its been a long 24 hours, and a lot of waiting and decisions.
We opted for the medical management (tablets) as the first time I had a missed miscarriage I had a d&c and I felt like I didn't have chance to grieve. I know the next 48 hours are going to be hard, and a lot of tears and screaming and disliking whatever great god-like being is up there. But I'm hoping I can stay strong and get through this.

They've done the blood tests to check for clotting, which I'm glad they're doing even if it doesn't give us a definitive answer/problem. And they've also booked me in for a counselling session (thats what they called it) with my gyne consultant where he'll discuss tests and stuff that they can do, and possibilities for next time.
There will be a next time, we've already decided that. When it'll happen we're not sure.
For now I wanted to update you all, and thank you all. We plan on spending the next few days in hiding with lots of tears and hagen das/ben & jerry's. And we'll take it from there.

I'll probably still be found hovering around from time to time, and I will be checking up on all of your pregnancies. I hope you all end up with adorable little babies, and when you do give them a cuddle from me.

Thank you all, for your care and support over the last three months.
Hayley & Graham
xxx

 

[uknitty]

Oh no, I really am so so sorry.

When I started reading this post and read about your cervix being closed I was so relieved, then my heart sunk when I read further on.



I just wish there was a way to make everything better.

 

[splashmonkey]

Oh honey, I'm so so so sorry, I don't know what to say. I was so sure everything was going to work out for you this time. I really really hope the docs manage to work out why this is happening to you and find a way to fix it - you are such an amazingly strong person and will make such a brilliant mum that it just has to happen for you sometime. I know you'll find a way. Keep in touch and let us know when next time comes around.

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Sorry I didn't think of it like that uknitty!
I just needed to get the day out of my head sorry.
I'm doing better than I thought I would if it happened again. Although I could do with finding a big field or something and just screaming to get the anger & frustration out.
Sorry for the in-depth update everyone.
Splash, i'll probably be unable to resist hanging around in TTC once we're feeling brave enough, we've already discussed that we do want to try again, dispite the hurt we're feeling right now. In the mean time we're considering doing short term fostering or something, use that maternal-ness for good stuff! ty for the hugs too. loads of hugs today, even off of the random gall stones lady!
xxx

 

[purplepants]

Oh hun i'm so so sorry i just dont know what to say, its so unfair, i am absoloutly gutted for you

 

[Minxy Moo]

So, so sorry

I think you are incredibly brave and my thoughts will be with you in the next few days x

 

[uknitty]

Oh gosh - no. You just wrote it down exactly as it happened.

It is just so horrible that we all thought it was going to be "the one" this time and then this crept up out of nowhere. I feel really upset just reading about what happened so you , you poor thing must really be going through the wringer

I'm sincerely just so gutted for you

X

 

[niblet]

Oh Hayley, this has made me cry. I'm so so sorry. I'm absolutely gutted for you. I'd considered you me little buddy for the last few weeks because you seem so lovely and caring and supportive of everyone else and I just know you'll make a wonderful mother some day. I'm so sorry that it wasn't to be this time. Please look after yourself. If you ever want to chat or PM or anything please do. I'll be thinking of you and your husband lots. x x