Tocophobia is ruining my relationship

[tocophobia89]

My bf and i are together 6 years and talked about the future..and we both want a baby in 3-4 years max. I was fine up until 3 years ago i decided to research everything and anything on pregnancy and came across articles how these young "healthy" women died of brain aneurysms or embolisims and ever since then im convinced it will happen to me. I was born 25 weeks gestation myself so im always wondering "what it i have brain or heart AVM because i was a microbaby they call us"(weak artery) then when i get pregnant it bursts and i die! or i end up with Amniotic fluid embolism even though its "rare" i worry, i don't want to die during pregnancy or giving birth! i want to raise my baby.

Im stuck...i don't know what to do. Should i give into my fear and leave my boyfriend so he can find someone that will get pregnant with little fear OR should i just go ahead and have faith things will go okay? What if we get married and i chicken out and say i don't want to get pregnant.

I actually had nervous break down last night because my anxiety got really bad..i keep thinking maybe i should break up with my bf , he deserves to live his life. I told my bf this last night and barely said anything..just to talk to my therapist more, he thinks im not telling my therapist everything, i told my bf i don't think anyone says will really help, may just have to not have kids because im way to afraid.

Im so depressed and im stuck on what to do. I know we have to decide but..guess just looking for anyone in similar situation?

thanks

 

[smiler1978]

Hi , I've suffered with this fear for years. I started with a phobia of needles linked to fainting after a blood test at 9. This led to panic attacks throughout my teenage years and a huge phobia of all things medical.
Earlier this year I had a fall and knocked my front two teeth out leading too lots of needles which I managed to control my fainting.
I'm 36 and in the same situation as you.,..however I think of it like this....if tomorrow I found out I couldn't have kids would I be bothered?...yes I would ...so I surely have to try and get over my fear....I know once I do this...as scared as I am I will be a much better , stronger person and proud of myself.
I hope that the minute I find out I'm pregnant I start to realise I'm stressing out a baby not just me....I'm going to beat it. I've had other issues in my life too which I'm not happy to talk about openly that make me scared of giving birth but....I'm gonna beat it.
Don't be pushed into doing something you don't want but please don't regret not doing something because of fear. Xxxx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi hun

I don't have tocophobia however I have suffered from an anxiety-based illness (OCD) which is full of the "what ifs" and worst case scenarios. Even though something is extremely unlikely statistically (like 1 in a million chance) you think that the chances of it happening to you are more likely than not etc.

I see you're talking about either/or situation - personally I would recommend a third way, e.g. trying to get a counsellor for this (it can be a bit of a luck of the draw how well they work for you individually) and be persistent if the referring doctor doesn't understand/take it seriously, illustrating how long it has affected you (3 years) and the impact of your life (you are seriously considering breaking up with your long-term boyfriend due to this fear). If you can get help in dealing with the worries, then they can really change your outlook on life, and that would be a relief wouldn't it...?

Otherwise, you could try speaking to someone medical (like the doctor again) to see more about the risk factors for these sort of complications and whether your personal medical history is likely to have any bearing on it, or even if there are any tests (including private ones) you could have to put your mind at ease.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning to your boyfriend that you're scared about this?

Just some thoughts, hope it works out for you xx

 

[tocophobia89]

thank you everyone

i am seeing Psychologist, i did not mention how it is effecting my relationship because it hasn't until recently. So maybe i should. also, last night when had my nervous break down basically, i told him how i felt and everything going on in my mind. He just said i should tell my therapist everything, try get more help. he shrugged his shoulders when i asked him it came to time to TTC and i said no i can't do this..is this deal breaker?...but then acted normal and gave me kiss this morning before work.

I think we need to figure this out now because i don't want us to get married then..if kids is that important to him and i can't go through with it..it will end up costing us money to get divorce. I love him very much this really hurts to even be thinking this..but guess i got to be selfless right? i want him to be happy not drag him down with me

 

[tocophobia89]

Its been two days since my break down over not sure if i want a baby anymore due to extreme extreme fear. He knows i was contemplating on breaking up but he didn't even comment on that..when i asked him if thats a deal breaker he shrugged his shoulders, so i don't know if we are going to break up in future or not, he is acting normal towards me. Maybe he is just ignoring my break down because im always overreacting about health issues and having babies, maybe he thinking i will get over it?

The same day i had my break down..before the break down i snapped at him and got in argument over something really dumb because i was just irritated at everything. I apologized to my bf after and he says "yeah i know, thats just you though, but i have to accept you for you".

i know i most likely won't get over this fear...hoping i will but i really doubt it. I'm afraid i ruined our relationship and he will never propose...but then again maybe i shouldn't expect him to propose marriage after telling him i won't beable to give him one of his life goals(a baby)?

opinions? should i bring everything up again..or leave the ball is in court to make decisions now?
(break up, get married ect)

 

[tocophobia89]

anyone??

 

[Dotty_woman]

Don't often venture into this section so sorry it's a while since your original post. Have you tried hypnosis? I have heard people successfully tackling fears and phobias with the use of hypnotherapy so it may be worth a try. Sorry you're suffering and hope you can get through this. xxx