Really sorry... ***UPDATE***

[cossie13]

I'm so sorry ladies. It seems like all I do is whine and moan lately and there are already what feels like a million threads about overbearing family etc. but I really need your help/advice/opinions on my situation with my nan. I've mentioned in replies on a couple of threads previously about her but she just seems to be getting worse to the point where I spent all of last night in tears (and I literally do mean ALL last night)...

I love my nan to bits, don't get me wrong, but ever since my grandad passed away no one can tell her no without her pulling the "don't you love me" card. Prior to us finding out we were expecting, my cousin and his GF announced that they were pregnant. My nan was very happy for them etc. which was great. Then we found out. So we told family, including nan. Again she seemed happy until she found out we had already told my mum and dad and OH's parents - as if we were going to tell her before them!

Fast forward to now. I went round to my mum and dads last night while OH played football and mum did me some tea and it was really lovely. And then my mum said she'd spoken to my nan. Apparently my nan has a room full of baby clothes (15+ knitted cardigans which are all for tiny babies, loads of sleep suits plus god knows what else), ok great. We don't really have the room for loads of stuff but saying that I'm sure things will end up being binned due to sicky or poo so we'll probably end up needed more than we think! If that's where she drew the line then I wouldn't have an issue. But she's also bought a suitcase and filled it with nighties, pants, socks, shampoos, conditioners, toothbrush, toothpaste and various other toiletries as she thinks I'll be in hospital for at least a week. Well last night mum also told me that nan had put together a make up bag full of make up too!! To me make up is a really personal thing! So this wound me up no end.

I can see it now, baby will arrive and I won't be able to get rid of her. She'll be round at my house every day thinking she's helping when all I know want is time to get used to being a parent. But I can't say no to her because she just says "don't you love me" and I automatically feel guilty. I don't think it would be as bad if my cousin didn't live nearly 2 hours away.

I spent all of last night in tears worrying and stressing over how she is going to be and how the hell I'm going to deal with her without upsetting her. Am I overreacting a bit here?

Any opinions, advice etc is very welcome. Thanks ladies and I'm really sorry for the rant and once again bringing up family issues! xx

 

[Emmajaine]

Oh hun, that does sounds stressful. I think I'd be feeling the same as you if my nan was the same.

Can you maybe suggest that she comes round at a set time, say once a week, to spend time with you and baby, and no-one else comes at that time. Then she doesn't come again til the next week. Explain to her that you are having one set of visitors at a time so that each set can spend quality time with you and baby, so she can't come all the time, as that wouldn't be fair to other visitors, as they are letting her have 1:1 time with you and she needs to do the same. (Hope that makes sense!)



xx

 

[cossie13]

That makes sense, thanks emma I'll certainly give it a go and hopefully she'll just accept it. Otherwise I'll have to resort to not even being at home during the day once OH goes back to work.

Any ideas on how I could deal with the whole buying me stuff I don't need? I just feel she's wasting her money on make up I will never use as I use a specific brand and she has no idea what I use! And I've already got a suitcase with thing that I want with me packed and ready to go, so she's kind of wasted her money on that too. But I don't want to seem ungrateful either because I can appreciate what she's trying to do I just wish she'd asked me first if there was anything I needed rather than just assuming

 

[Demaris]

Can I ask how old your nan is? It definitely seems like the generation gap is rearing its head. I think your nan really needs to be 'needed' which is her issue to deal with really not yours. I agree with Emmajaines post above, maybe set a definite time with her a window when it's just the two of you and baby. But ask her in such a way that she feels you need her to help you or be there for you. I think if your nan can feel like she is helping then she will be satisfied with that. Can you accept what she gives you and maybe streamline it and take the rest to the charity shop? will she notice?

it is hard for you to have to deal with this, especially as back in your nans days the dynamics were different when babies were born. I expect she had little help from her husband as was in those days and relied on her family to rally round maybe bringing meals, cooking, cleaning and making clothes for baby.

Hang in there, the reality might be different than what your worries are xx

 

[cossie13]

She's in her early 70's (not sure of exact age as I always get her's and my grandad's years of birth mixed up!)

Streamlining and charity shop donation could work. I think she literally has got that much stuff that she wouldn't have a clue even if we got rid of the whole lot!

Thanks both, I'll definitely give the time slot a go. Hopefully she won't be too offended by it. I know she really enjoys cleaning so will think that she can come and clean every day! So hopefully if I say she comes over for an hour or so a week she can clean if she really wants to or just spend time with her great-grandson. Just need to think about how to approach it - I'll be leaving it until I need to raise the subject though!

Thanks demaris, I really hope you're right in that the reality is much different from what I'm panicking over xx

 

[Orion]

I'm surprised how many threads like this there are.

You might not be able to tell her no without upsetting her, but at the end of the day what's more important - your new baby and family unit, or your nan? You're not intentionally going out of your way to upset her, you just want time alone with your family. That's perfectly normal. And perfectly fine to tell people.

She can pull the 'don't you love me' card, but so could you! Doesnt she love you enough to let you raise your family the way you want?

Maybe don't raise it, but if she brings it up, be straight with her from the start that you don't want people round all the time. Maybe just on a particular visitor day.

 

[beckyboo1]

Is your nan your mum's mum? Does your mum know how you feel?

I'd be asking your mum to have a strong word, so that you're a step away from it all, and then hopefully you won't get as stressed about it xx

 

[girly2007]

I had the same issue with my mil. Still do actually. She bought practically everything. If I showed her a new blanket I'd bought, she'd say oh I've got a softer one than that for baby! It really upset me. Now she buys loads of clothes, (stuff from debenhams eg junior j/ ted baker so not cheap stuff) but I absolutely love my little man looking stylish, and she always manages to buy stuff I don't like so won't put him in. She'll also do things like spend nearly £40 on a really thick winter pram suit, but buy it in a size that won't fit him until the middle of summer. She removes tags and doesn't give receipts so our local charity shop has a field day. It sounds ungrateful but she really does try to take over. I've even caught her referring to herself as mummy when she thinks I can't hear (eg roll the ball back to mummy, give mummy a cuddle). It really gets my back up.

The best you can do I suppose is tell her she doesn't need to buy you all the things, then if she ignores you, get on ebay or help the charity shop. You probably won't be able to stop her but it will get easier to bare!xx

 

[cossie13]

I know orion, there are far too many posts like this and I hate that mine is one of them. It would be so nice if our parents and grandparents were a little more considerate. Thanks for your input also, my baby will always be put first but I have issues with wanting to keep everyone happy - I guess it's a problem I will have to overcome once he arrives.

Yes it's my mums mum. My um knows exactley how I feel and how much I'm stressing and all I get is "don't worry about your nan" which is easier said than done. My dad on the other hand has said if necessary he'll have words for me as he knows exactley what she can be like, so I do have my dad to fall back on for help if necessary and I'm sure my mum would get involved if she saw my worries increasing etc.

I might just accept the stuff she's already bought and casually say something like "thanks but you really don't need to buy all this stuff as we've already got too much!" and like you said girly2007 if she then continues, sell on ebay or take to a charity shop as she had been warned. It might help me not feel so guilty too.

I realise I probably sound really ungrateful and selfish but I do feel like she's taking the mick a little now as she's buying stuff that's really personal. She's bought loads of bottles apparently assuming that I'll be bottle feeding - I'd actually quite like to breastfeed if I can!

 

[Snaveanator]

Also make sure you 'have plans' for after her allotted time, so she can't 'accidentally' overstay and you have an excuse to get rid!

 

[littlemonkey]

How recently did your grand dad pass? Cos it sounds to me like she's feeling fed up, lonely and just wants to be needed. The thing is with babies is they do span the generations, so your gran probably thinks this is brilliant, I can feel useful and needed here.

Is there anything you could do to spend time with her that's not baby related? That way she's spending time with you at least. And it will hopefully show her there's more fun things you want to do with her than just talk babies. Go get your hair done, take her the cinema or something like that. Make it a regular thing and maybe put plans in place to keep it up after the baby comes. That way she's still spending time with you, but it's only once a week or whatever and you're not stuck with her all day.

Maybe take her shopping with you and show her some baby or make up stuff that you do like, at least then if she is going to spend money she can pick up some stuff you like.

I've lost all my grandparents so in some ways I am jealous of you. But even my mums mum had the sense not to stick her oar in and would only ever send money or vouchers as gifts for stuff like this cos she knew how personal things like that were.

 

[cossie13]

Great tip snaveanator! I hadn't thought about that!!

little monkey, my grandad passed away November 2011. My nan also has a new 'boyfriend' to keep her occupied but she doesn't seem fussed about him lately and I wonder if it's because she wants more to do with baby when he's here. I think you're right in that my nan definitely wants to feel needed, the problem is that she assumes that she is needed even when she's not and gets really offended if you try and tell her you're more than capable of doing something on your own.

I love my nan to bits and wouldn't be without her. I miss my grandad more than words can explain, and I really wish he were here to meet his great-grandson as he would have loved every minute of it - taking him to the football, going out for walks, watching the F1 etc. When he died there was an empty space left in my heart that no one could fill - and then I fell pregnant and the love I already have for my son is going a long way to helping heal and fill that gap (soppy I know!)

Thanks for all your input ladies Still not 100% sure on how I'm going to deal with her but I'm going to take it it one step at a time. Starting with the silly amounts of stuff she's bought and the fact that we are only allowing my parents and OH's parents to visit in the hospital (unless we have to stay for a long period of time then other family members can come). Then once OH is back at work I'll deal with the issue of her being there if it arises. I'm hoping I'm worrying over nothing but only time will tell I guess...

 

[Orion]

I don't doubt you'll put baby first. Was just trying to put it into perspective. You can't keep everyone happy, and it's not your job to do so. Ive always found it best to be honest and upfront with people, that way everyone knows where they stand and their not led down a garden path.

 

[Rooster30]

A line nicked straight from Boston Legal, but, 'everyone's desperate to be relevant', and this seems to be your nan. She wants to be involved and in some ways that is obviously lovely, but definitely sounds like she has crossed a line. Be open and honest without causing offence. Your parents are on your side and that helps. Good luck

 

[cossie13]

Thought I'd post a quick update -

So my nan called round while I was with my mum over the weekend. She wanted to drop off the toiletries and make up so I had them there just in case. I politely accepted them and said thank you as it was clear that she was just trying to help. After she had gone, me and my mum decided to have a look at what she had brought. Oh. My. God. Pretty much every single item was used/second hand. The only thing that wasn't was a nail brush. So yes that does mean that there was a used toothbrush in there. Used soap, shampoos, used make up, an empty dried up mascara, and a hair brush that still had hair in it! I appreciate that the thought was there but.... EEEWW!!!

I'm actually dreading seeing what she has got baby now even more so than before...

 

[bigbee]

Cossie, sounds like you need to have a word with your nan.....

 

[buttonbear]

Oh god! Bleurghhhh there are some things you just don't use second hand!! lol

 

[i.love]

Yuk yuk yuk!

Hun I have a feeling she didn't mean any harm... Maybe it's just the age stopping her from seeing that this is not right. I wouldn't say anything, would just chuck the stuff quietly and be very careful with what she brings in the future.

 

[cossie13]

Yep, pretty grim. Needless to say it all went in the bin. And the towels she has given us stink of her perfume. They've gone straight in the wash.

I can appreciate she means well but I didn't think I'd need to be worrying about the fact that the products would be second hand or used!!

 

[i.love]

No, this is pretty shocking. Any idea where she got them?? I don't think it's even possible to buy a secondhand toothbrush!