Problems with oh, mental/emotional abuse?

[violet13]

I really don't know how to start this tbh, my husband had been snapping at me a lot lately. He's also been picking at me so much like really badly, he's called me fat a few times, said I don't do anything and I'm having an easy time of it looking after the most mellow baby which honestly my son is mellow but does really have a kick off in the day time with me yet hubby doesn't see this and then I'm cleaning and stuff on top. Hubby doesn't do anything off his own back unless I ask and then moans when I do which he's said I shouldn't ask him to help me when he's been working all day. When I was working I had to do all the house work as well but I was doing 12 hours shifts where as he has a 9-5 job. The way he spoke to me today was appalling all because I accidentally got on the wrong bus and had to have him pick me up after work because I missed my last bus he ranted and kicked off saying I never think about what he's doing for me. I left my family to move to another country for him and I'm still living quiet a way from family and I don't have a lot of friends. My self esteem is so low and I'm convinced I'm huge so I exercise all day either walks with my baby or walking the dogs I'm so fed up and so deflated.
Thanks ladies I needed to rant and get that all out.

 

[GF91]

Have you tried picking him up on his snappyness? My OH gets snappy sometimes & nearly 99% of the time it's stress from work- but it'll take me 3-4 days of pretty much ignoring him until he'll admit what the problem is. Like your OH mine does nothing around the house- although he's never moaned at me if something doesn't get done. Calling you names is totally not on, no one should ever make you feel like your not perfect xx

 

[fairyprincess]

Sorry you're going through this hun, definitely try and speak to him. It sounds like he's stressed about something and taking it out of you but that's definitely not fair x

 

[violet13]

I've asked him and tried to talk to him he won't say anything he says he's fine. I genuinely can't deal with this much longer. Xxx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi violet

Some men's behaviour does get worse after childbirth (a common pattern with abusers) and calling you fat, criticising you, putting you down are indeed forms of emotional abuse. Here are some websites with more information that may help you understand if you're on a slippery slope with his behaviour:

http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/emotional-abuse.html

It may be worth googling to get more information.

You say you can't put up with it much more, and also that you moved country to be with him, so what are your options for leaving the relationship if you need to?

I don't know if your OH is the sort of man who can reflect on his behaviour, realise he's being an a*se hole, improve and sustain that improvement or if it's a pattern that is going to get worse. Only you have an idea. Of course it is worth having an assertive conversation with him where you tell him how his comments are making you feel, and perhaps gauge from that conversation the likely direction your relationship is going in.

I left an abusive relationship last year when my baby was 3 weeks old. It was mostly characterised with emotional abuse, but there was bits of physical violence too. I can't tell you how much better I feel for having the freedom I do now.

p.s. if you are worried about his behaviour, it may be worth getting some evidence to support how he is treating you before you leave. I have just gone through the family courts and because of a lack of evidence, my ex-OH has basically got off scot free despite assaulting me while I held a 11-day old baby.

 

[Kitten1991]

Hi My Lovely,

First of all regardless of if he means it or not what your oh is doing is very wrong!

I've dealt with a relationship similar to this before. He worked full time nights and i worked part time.

When we got together i was a 12-14 and he made it known i was the biggest girl he had ever dated then... so i dropped a dress size down to a 10-12... then while we were living at his parents i felt so uncomfortable like i wasn't wanted there and ballooned upto a size 18! I stayed at that size for about 18 months. . . We found out we were pregnant and he became more of a bully and more abusive so i did what he said, i then put all my negative emotions into working out every day all day and dropped back to a 14-16 and when we broke up i had to get police involved... i was a beached whale, i wasn't attractive, no man would ever find me attractive. I lost all the weight i had gained, got my friends and family back after years of seclusion.

Don't stand for abuse mentally or physically. There are people out there like women aid who can help you!

I've been through it. It still effects me to this day.

 

[JamsMom]

What he's doing isn't acceptable. It sounds as if he's not the type to listen if you tried to talk about it either, can you go for shock factor, tell him you're leaving, write a letter letting him no why, make him know you're deadly serious and they only way around it would be marriage counselling if he doesn't want you to go. Don't just stay with what you know when you deserve better, life is too short. Xx

 

[Blueclass]

Hey your not having a good time lately first your friend turned into a bitch and now this!
I think you know what he is doing is not right and you need to sort it or get out. Obviously your the only one who knows if this could escalate into something more and if you think it could I wouldn't stay around to find out. Where is it your based now and how far is friends and family? You need to keep a record of what happens, if your in armed forces accommodation and you decide to leave because of his behaviour you can get him out the house and he will have to go in the barracks. My sister was in the army and my OH was RAF. Im sure you are beautiful and he has no right to call you names bet he don't look all that hot anymore. We all put weight on in a relationship it's called being comfortable. Could you explain that what he says hurts you and its not fair? If he doesn't change you need to ask yourself is this what you want your life to be like, do you want your child.growing up thinking that's the way people talk to each other ect x

 

[Blueclass]

How you feeling today x

 

[bellecat]

How are you doing now? Hope to hear from you xx

 

[lillith112]

I see that Violet is pregnant with baby number 2. I really hope the emotional abuse has been sorted as another baby will make it worse. I've been in exactly the same situation and it went from emotional abuse to physical in the end, that's when I got out. From experience the leopard doesn't change it's spots, he went from me to 3 other women and abused all of them too. When you're in it you think it's normal but it's not, the only way out is to get out. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I had to have police involvement to get him out but it was the best thing I ever did, me and my children had years of living hell with him. xx

 

[Blueclass]

Hi just wanted to see how you was getting on now. Been along time since this was posted? X