Problem with OH's daughter

[Jenny123]

Hi everone, I just need to get this off my chest as got no one to tell really.

My OH and I have been together for 5 years and are engaged, he has 2 kids from a previous marriage, one is a girl of 19 and the other is a boy of 16. He doesn't get to see them very often as they live over 250 miles away with their Mum who refuses to even bring them to meet us half way or help out Natalie (the girl) with petrol money to come and see us. We try and drive up to see them maybe once every couple of months and we also send up money so they can drive down and stay with us for a week or so if they want, but they hardly ever do.
When we found out I was pregnant he phoned to tell them as he didn't want them finding out from a 3rd party. The boy (Scott) was really chuffed and excited about having a new brother or sister but Natalie went nuts and was screaming down the phone to my OH that we had to get rid of it and how dare he even consider having another child when he couldn't even bother to come and see the ones he has already.

My OH was really upset as he is always sending money to them and phoning them, and asking them to come down and stay over the school holidays. We even drove up the 250 miles to see them a few weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant.

She still won't accept that we're having a baby though and refuses to have anything to do with it. I would really like her to be part of our babys life but she just seems so resentful. I can understand a little bit how she feels - maybe that she will be replaced, but I have tried explaining that her Dad loves her and just because he is having another child doesn't mean that he won't love her anymore. She just doesn't care though and told her dad that he will have to choose between his new baby and her. I am just so frustrated and also angry with her, she's nearly 20 and is obviously very jealous and upset but how do we deal with it??

Please help

 

[LisaJ1986]

She's just being a spoilt brat. She'll soon come round when she wants something, money generally
I hope she comes round soon.

 

[Jenny123]

I hope so,

Thats exactly the problem... they only ever come down when they need something. Their mum sends them down in really old scruffy clothes and tells them to get my OH to buy them a new wardrobe even though he sends up maintenance every month without fail. Scott told us his mum spends it all on getting her hair done
I suspect it is their mum that is filling their heads with nonsense... probably saying that their Dad doesn't love them anymore as he's having a new baby. Scott is very mature for a 16 year old and can see right through it but Natalie is just impossible

 

[Misslarue]

I think just give her some time hun.

From what you have said it sounds like she has a pretty cr@ppy homelife
She's obviously feeling left out and rejected. Yes shes being a bit immature for 19 but tbh I still can have pangs of jealousy for my stepsister and I'm 31! Obviously I am old enough to realise that my dad still has time and love for me aswell. But when I was younger it was very very hard for me to accept that my Dad had a new family.

Just keep doing what you are doing, seeing her, reassuring her and including her. Tbh thats all you can do, the rest is up to her. Once little one is born I am sure she will chnage her mind and want to be a part of her halfsiblings life. Try and be understanding, its all to easy just to write people off as brats when in fact they really have deep running emotional issues. Most of us have felt rejected or let down by a parent in the past, whether that parent meant too or not. It's not always easy dealing with your feelings esp as a teenager.

 

[NICCI]

awww hun!! i went through just what she is going through but i was younger, i was 13. she isnt being spoilt but she is being unreasonable,she will feel as though this baby will replace her and it will make her feel insecure and act in an extremely childish manner! just keep trying with her keep her invloved even if its by p[hone. trust me when the baby comes she will melt!!! i did when my Lil bro was born xxxxx

 

[LisaJ1986]

When i was 17 both my parents moved out and went their separate ways. Us kids were left at home with me and my older sister bringing up my youngest who was incredible hard work. We've never been bitter, I don't see either very often. My dad has his new family and new life.

I just hope she comes round. She can be grown up about it but chooses not to be. She expects to be deserted or another child be. She's not being fair.

 

[beanie]

I agree with misslarue. Perhaps ask hher to go shopping with you for baby stuff, or ask her for ideas about names or help with baby when they arrive. She must be feeling so insecure whoich is understandable. It must also be really tough on you too. hugs all round.

 

[Jenny123]

Thanks

I can understand in a way how she feels... and I really hope she can be part of her little brother or sisters life - I was just unsure of how to go about it as I don't want to try and force things onto her but then again don't want her to feel like we're ignoring her.

I will invite them down when the baby is born and suggest that we go girly shopping...

 

[Misslarue]

aawww jenny it must be really hard for you too, but you are being a great supportive parent.
I am sure as she grows she will realise what a wonderful mum/stepmum you are

 

[beanie]

aawww jenny it must be really hard for you too, but you are being a great supportive parent.
I am sure as she grows she will realise what a wonderful mum/stepmum you are

totally!!! she is very lucky to have you as a stepmum and baby has a fab mummy.

misslarue - I am not stalking you - honest

 

[Misslarue]

@ beanie!

 

[jennifer1981]

Involve her as much as you can with the baby. Im sure when she develops a bond with it she will come around to the idea x