Pregnant with baby 2; struggling

[firstfreakout]

(Firstly, I just want to say that if my post offends those TTC please know it was not my intention )

My son is turning 1 on the 9th May, and my and OH decided to try for baby 2 in the beginning of August. I'm now almost 5 weeks pregnant because it turns out we are incredibly lucky and fell first time. Although this baby was planned and is incredibly wanted, I'm having some issues coming to terms with the pregnancy and what it all means.

Cliff Notes version:

I'm worried about such a small age gap (approx 20 months) between the kiddos and how I'll cope being heavily pregnant with a just-learning-to-walk toddler. He's been doing my head in the last few days with his moaning and grabbing, I've had little sleep, and my OH is working Notting Hill Carnival so isn't home at all. How am I going to manage with 2?!

I'm terrified of a repeat of my previous pregnancy, where I had retained placenta due to placenta accreta and almost died due to hospital negligence leaving me to bleed out for 10 days. I've checked in with my GP who confirmed I should be consultant lead following this and referred myself to a different hospital for this pregnancy and birth, but I'm honestly convinced I'm going to die this time.

I'm struggling to accept the pregnancy as real due to it happening so quickly, so have booked an early scan for 6 weeks just to confirm everything is where it should be.

I also haven't lost the baby weight since my son was born (despite trying and having everything like thyroid etc checked), and am about 40 or so pounds (about 3 stone) heavier than I was before him. I'm concerned I'm going to gain another 40lbs this pregnancy, putting me at over 200lbs. Before I got pregnant with my son I was around 135lbs, just for perspective.

Why I guess I'm writing this post is just for some support and reassurance that despite these very real worries and fears, I can learn to enjoy this pregnancy and that everything will work out. I've mentioned a few of these things in another post, but I wanted to put them in one place.

Is there anyone who has felt similar to how I do right now in terms of worrying about everything and having a negative pregnancy/birth/post labour experience hanging over them during a second+ pregnancy that can offer some words of advice on how to remain positive and grateful and CALM?

Thanks for reading
Apologies if this is so very badly worded; it's been an awful long day

 

[Donna88]

I think the reality of being pregnant has just hit you and you've remembered what an awful time you had last time. You are under the best care being consultant led and at least they will keep an eye on you.
You planned this baby; I know it's hard as you've now gone into panic mode but try and remember the reasons you decided to start trying for a baby.
I think this is a natural response by the way; yes you planned another baby but you didn't expect to fall so quickly. It's completely normal when you get pregnant to suddenly remember all the negatives from last time and you had a horrific experience. It may be worth talking to your midwife about how you are feeling.

I am sure everything will be fine and you will be great - sorry I am no expert so my advice probably isn't very good but didn't want to read and leave

 

[firstfreakout]

I think the reality of being pregnant has just hit you and you've remembered what an awful time you had last time. You are under the best care being consultant led and at least they will keep an eye on you.
You planned this baby; I know it's hard as you've now gone into panic mode but try and remember the reasons you decided to start trying for a baby.
I think this is a natural response by the way; yes you planned another baby but you didn't expect to fall so quickly. It's completely normal when you get pregnant to suddenly remember all the negatives from last time and you had a horrific experience. It may be worth talking to your midwife about how you are feeling.

I am sure everything will be fine and you will be great - sorry I am no expert so my advice probably isn't very good but didn't want to read and leave

Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond
It's comforting to know that this is a normal reaction (whatever that means!) to a sudden change in my life. You're right in that although we were trying, we were trying for 2 weeks before I fell pregnant; it's a huge shock!

I've mentioned to my GP a bit about how I'm feeling and have referred myself to another hospital so I don't have to be in the same environment as last time. I'll definitely make it known to the midwife and consultant I get assigned.

I've also booked an early scan in the hopes that it nudges me into excitement as opposed to fear when I see that baby is already growing strong.

Honestly, your reply has made me feel so much more at ease knowing that this isn't an abnormal response to such a lovely gift

 

[Akua]

So I don’t have children so I can’t exactly say I’ve been there, however I’ve read lots of posts from women who feel the same even if it’s a planned pregnancy.

Have you thought about looking into hypnobirthing? A lot of women say it really helps them feel more in control and helps with anxiety, especially if it’s related to a previous experience

 

[Selly]

Good shout on hypnobirthing. I found the tracks sent me off to sleep at night as well when pregnant which was a bonus!
Similar situation in that we’ll have about a 21 month gap - June 2017 baby and this one is due March.
I do worry more about how we’ll cope but I know we’ll make it! I’m already planning family visits, etc, to make sure we have help round!
Although it will be hard initially I keep thinking how lovely it will be to have two similar ages when they’re older and that every bad night, etc, with the second will be one closer to more restful nights as this is def the last for us! Like ripping off the band aid in terms of getting sleepless nights done with - that’s my theory anyway!!
I’m also pretty sure I want a c section after last time so need to factor in recovery and not being able to pick up son, etc
Think it’s only normal to worry, especially when hormones are raging
Xxx

 

[ABC237]

Firstfreakout, read through this and I think it’s understandable that you would be worried. It’s natural, but everything will be okay!

I can relate to you on several points, I don’t know what I’ll do with a newborn and a toddler but I know that this is beyond my control at the moment. Do you have any family or friends nearby to support you when the time comes? I’m sure it will be testing but so worthwhile when you see the bond between your children.
I haven’t lost the weight from my previous pregnancy and here I am again! I know it’s a worry. I plan to keep active as much as I can and look at what I eat. This is something you have a bit of control over, but don’t beat yourself up if you put on some weight, you’re growing a human being!!

With regards to your concerns about your last pregnancy and health issues, I reccomebd you speak to your midwife about this, I know it’s a bit down the line but I’m sure they’ll be able to put your mind at ease and talk it through with you. It must have been so scary. It’s good that you’ll be consultant lead this time though.

I hope this after thei initial shock, you will get your head round these things and I know you will come to enjoy your pregnancy.

 

[firstfreakout]

Thanks for the advice ladies

I read a book on hypnobirthing last pregnancy although didn't follow any activities etc I did find it helped me to view labour as something natural our body does, as opposed to something to fight or dread when the time comes. I might give it a re-read and then look into some activities to try.

Selly, it sounds like you've got it mostly figured out! I'm worried about the close age gap for a number of reasons (practicality post labour/day to day, childcare when I go back to work, my DS still being in his rough slapping phase when the baby arrives ). But ABC is right in that it'll be super cute if they grow up close friends

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who worries about the transition from one to two children, especially when one will still be so small themselves. This makes me feel better and not like I'm a huge failure ha.

I don't have much family around. OH's parents live in the countryside about 3 hours away and there's no room in our flat for them to stay with us at any time to help. My Mum is only about 20 minutes away but she works 5 or 6 days a week so would only really be around on the weekends, and by then she's exhausted. My siblings are not really able to factor into the equation (one is mentally unwell, the other is a deadbeat.. long stories!) but my OH's brother doesn't really know how to deal with babies as he doesn't have children. So it's all a bit lonely sometimes. I guess the only person who I could potentially lean on is my mum but even then it's difficult.

Thanks for the advice about talking to the midwife when it comes to that point, I'll definitely do this! I also want them to talk me through facts as opposed to hopes, because it'll help me get my head around it all.

Reading your replies has helped so much, thank you

 

[Summergurl]

Hey my lovely, I don't have much experience on most of what you are worried about but I can tell you getting frustrated at your little one is all normal. Your hormones are all over the place, you're tired (sleep deprivation is a stress technique used by the forces!) and then bam all of a sudden you're wondering how an earth you're going to cope with 2. Then queue the guilt for even thinking about it.

How are we going to bath the toddler and tend to a newborn on our own?

Who knows, but we know as mothers we will do it and we will make it work.

Re the anxiety, I'm having therapy at the moment because of anxiety and have been taught some mindfulness techniques, it's honestly brilliant. So much so that I am going to give hypnobirthing a go this time as my therapist has offered to help me with it for free!

Have a look into mindfulllness meditation there are lots of videos etc on YouTube and it really will help you feel much more calm about everything.

One thing though, you make sure that you voice all of your concerns to the consultant and whoever else.

When I told my mw about my anxiety she has put me in touch with the mental health team for pregnant ladies, is this something you can ask your midwife to do? They hopefully will be able to help with your anxiety.

Just know you're defo not alone in worrying about how you're going to cope and defo not alone with your weight! I still had 2stone of baby weight from my first (who was born in 2016!) to lose so I'm certain by the time this one is born I'll have around 4-5st to lose!

 

[firstfreakout]

Summergurl, thank you for your advice and experiences

I recently had therapy for birth trauma (went through CBT) and mindfulness was something I was told to try over and over again. I have to admit I'm awful at keeping with it, but I'll look into it and hypnobirthing again soon to see if it helps with my anxiety over these issues.
I've also referred myself back to therapy so I'll see what they can offer me in terms of help. Unfortunately I can't afford to go private at the moment so it may very well be that the waiting list is longer than my pregnancy!

I know it's awful but it really is comforting to know I'm not the only one worrying over certain things too. It makes me feel less like a monster lol

It does seem bloody impossible when your little one is playing up and you just want to lie on the floor and cry, how you're going to cope with two of them demanding so much from you. I'm hoping that it's hormones responsible for the anger and frustration I've been feeling this last week and not just me being the worlds worst mother and partner

I know I have a lot of issues to work through during this pregnancy. I've gotten over the anger of what happened to me post labour, but I haven't worked through the fear and sadness it caused yet. I guess only time can do that.

I think every mother to be at some point worries they're going to die in childbirth - I did with my first before labour - but I think after such an awful ordeal that worry turns into a genuine fear. A feeling you just can't shake.

Thanks for the kind words of support though. It is honestly so so reassuring to read these replies and know that not only am I not alone, but that other mothers can get through their struggles too

I've also seen your other post and posted a reply on there, but my god I'm so glad you and baby are okay!

 

[Summergurl]

It will take time, but at least you know that an are able to rationalise that it's not going to get better overnight.

I coped on the tired days and the tough days by letting DD have the iPad for an hour so I could just chill out, lay down and even snooze now and again, just to recharge. So don't feel worried about doing something like that. They'll love it and you'll get a moment to relax xx

 

[firstfreakout]

I can see that being a very big possibility hah. He already loves remotes, phones or laptops and does everything possible to grab at them!