not so sure anymore : (

[toolost101]

ttc for 10 mnths now, but now im thinking its not the right thing to do, its been this way since the beginning, b4 we got together he was great, i thought thats the man i want to b with, but now were together hes a totally different person. i wouldn't say he was possessive but i dont go out anymore, i don't have a social life, i havnt got any friends, the only time i seem to go out is when he gets home from work. i make excuses up to everyone saying i am happy been inside all day, doing the same old thing, im just thinking now mayb if i feel like this ttc isnt such a good idea, i love him so so much and i am happy when were together but im not the same person as i used to be, as ive said, no social life, lost all my friends, dont go out any more, please please i really need some support and advice, what should i do?

shelz x

 

[rach]

awww hun im sorry u feel like this but nobody can tell u what to do only u know what is best for u, follow your heart what is it really telling u?
have you tried talking to your partner and explaining how you feel might be a good start if you havent already, maybe then you can talk about how you both feel and what you both want and hopefully try and work things out.
all the best hun hope you can sort things out keep your chin up big hugs to u xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Amanda]

hi shelz, sorry for sticking my 2-penneth in when I've not even spoke to you before, but i read what you put and felt I had to respond.

Now, please please do not get offended by what I am about to say, this is just my opinion of what you have wrote, and the only people that really know about your relationship are the both of you. x
Ditch him. No-one should be with someone who controls them this much. I've been there and it's not nice. Can I ask you a couple of questions? How old are you both? How long have you been together? Why do you stay in the house all day? Have you got a job?
Again, I will say, please do not get offended by what I have said, but any guy who makes you lose your friends is bad news. Before I got married the 2nd time, I was always heard quoting 'blokes come and go, but your true friends are always your friends'. I have been there in the past and when I split up with my ex-husband, I was all alone. Most of my true friends are male, and he was really jealous and thought I was sleeping with them all, so I lost contact to keep the peace. I am now back friends with all of them and he is gone, and my new husband gets on great with them all.

You have said that you are not the same person that you used to be. Boy, have I been there. Changing who I was to keep him happy. Stupid. It just made me unhappy. I can honestly say that I only re-discovered myself a few years ago, and now I am me again, and people have noticed. I get comments in the pub about how it's good to see me laugh again. I was talking to a very close friend (one I had lost touch with) about this only a couple of weeks ago, and his answer will stay with me forever... "if anybody doesn't like you for who you are, then it's their loss, they have missed out on a fantastic person and a very good friend!"

Sorry to rant, but this is a topic that is very personal to me and I felt I had to respond.

xxx

xxxx

 

[Amanda]

Rach was obviously writing her post at the same time as me, and now I feel even worse for what I have put!
Rach - you have been very supportive, and all I have done is slagged off a bloke I've never even met!
Sorry Shelz.


xxx

 

[hayley]

Hi Shelz

Does your OH wants you to stay at home? or is this what you think he wants of you? Does he get upset if you go out? Is this why you stay at home so not to annoy him? Maybe you should talk with him and find out. What happened to your friends? we all need friends. Can you get back in touch with them? Tell you OH your going out with the girls for a drink. What do you think his reaction will be? You can't lock your self away hoping you keep him happy. What about going out with your OH for some fun.

Your the only person who knows if it is right to have a baby or not. Listen to your heart. Hope things get better for you. Give your old friends a call and have some girly fun.

 

[toolost101]

hi, thank you so much for your replies, well where do i start, i am 19 , he is 40, we have known each other for about 3 years, been together about 1 and a 1/2 years, its not that he gets annoyed that i go out, its that i have no reason to go out, i had my career mapped out, but because hes on a good wage he says i dont need to work, ive talked to him about it, but its like talking to a wall, and as for if i said i was going for a drink with the girls he wouldn't like it what so ever, and thats if i had any girl friends to go out with, i moved down to southampton 3 years ago, so i left all my good friends behind, and as i made friend s things were looking up. but know he says coz he has knows my friends for longer that he knows what theyre like and should stay away from them, its like im a little house wife b4 my time, i do his washing, clean up all day everyday, dishes, cook, no social life, even my family i should get out more, please you havnt offended me saying i should ditch him, it has crossed my mind, but i do love but i cant speak to himits like talking to a wall, its like im the one who has to change to make him happy, im so so sorry for rambling on, but its just that i really dont have anyone else to talk to, please reply x

 

[hayley]

Hi Shelz

I can feel the blood bubbling inside me...... It it so easy for people on the outside to see what he is doing to you. He is older, he's worried if you go out your goonna meet someonme your own age, some one you have more in common with. He is lacking in confidence so this is his only way of keeping hold of you, I know that sounds redicoulous as he probably comes across as a very confident mature man... to you!!!! but in reality he isn't! He doesn't want you to work because this gives you independance.. he wants to give you money which means you'll rely on him... He doesn't want you to have girl friends your own age as he knows they'll want you to go out with them and have fun! if they're out enjoying themselves chatting up lads then he thinks you'll be doing the same. (and at your age you should be) I bet it was his idea to have a baby!

Shelz there's no denying you love him but is it possible that you feel you need him more than you actually do? Do you feel he takes care of you? He wants you to feel like this. Some men like woman to need them. It makes them feel more of a man. And he knows that at your age you'll fall for his ways much easier.

Get in touch with your friends. Talk on the phone (you don't have to tell him) and make a date to go out and have some fun! Then tell him your going out. No matter how much he sulks and moans don't cancel your night out. Be strong! once you go out once you'll want to do it again. He'll probably give you a hard time the next day. But tell him your going out again and again and again!!!!! If your relationship is built with strong stuff then it'll be okay.

Relationships with older men do work. My husband is 49 and i'm 31. The difference is we met when I was 25. I'd experienced a bit of life first. Don't let him spoil your years growning up. These are the best years of your life. I was never in at 19. Always out partying.

I hope I haven't said anything to offend or upset you. I hope things turn out right for you.

Big hug sent

 

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

In my opinion it is better to be with someone who brings out the best in you.

Friends of mine and friends of the DH are always saying how happy we look together (and apart) and how we have become better happier people as a result of being together.

In contrast I do know lots of couples who bring each other down and it saddens me that they are happy to continue being with someone who doesn't bring out the best in them.

In my opinion, think long and hard about where you are heading in this relationship, and in the mean time, be very cautious about continuing to TTC.

Best of luck

 

[toolost101]

hi, youre absolutley right, everything you have said has crossed my mind, and all you have said sounds so true! i know this is going to sound really pathetic, but i would try and go out if i had money, he is the one that buys all my clothes and everything else, i've said to him i should get a job so i have my own money and so i wouldnt have to rely on him so much, all he said is that he wants to look after me, all the time he says i could find better, so i suppose your right, i say to myself all the time, i should be out, enjoying my life, i mean there is time so later in my life to be a little house wife sorry if i do offend any housewives!! soz. at my age i should be out enjoying myself, i feel that sometimes if i was with someone my age then we would be going out, and i would have my independence, but i cant choose who i love can i?, i just feel in such a rut at the min, i want to stay with him, but so much is out there for me aswell, i mean i know he works 10 hrs a day, and that he should have a meal waiting for him, but what about what i want, i want to and live my youth to the full, christ!! what am i going to do, should be break up for a while?

 

[Amanda]

Blimey hayley, i can't believe how similar we think!!
Shelz, do as she says. Get your slap on and get out there hun! I was the same as Hayley at 19, in fact I lived in Ibiza for 4 months working behind a bar, and partying 24 hours!! And I've never regretted a thing. You feel like you are getting old before your time, and if you're not careful, this dominated man will actually make you old. I know you love him, but I feel you need a break. And if he loves you like he says he does, he will be willing to let you go. I'm not saying leave him for good, just a break. Have some fun!
And go and a big fat shopping spree and buy your own clothes!!!!!

xxxx

 

[toolost101]

thnx girls, your all right, keep you posted......... thank you so much for all your help, its just doing it now
lv shelz x

again thank you, xxx

 

[Amanda]

Good luck. Please please let us know how you get on.

xxx

 

[Helen]

Hi

I just wanted to echo what Tankett said in her first post. Again, the voice of experience! I met my ex-husband when I was 17 and we married when I was 21. He was 5 years older than me, not much but it was when I was 17! I loved him enormously and always will, but he was extremely controlling, mainly because he lacked confidence himself.

I worked an hours drive from home and I would be absolutely terrified to be 5 minutes late home. I didn't do things that I like to do because he didn't approve. It was only since splitting up with him that I rediscovered myself and realised that if I feel like doing something ....well I bloomin well will and I don't care if anyone thinks it's naff or silly!!!

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was end my marriage and I had some doubts along the way, but in the end I'm a stronger more rounded person and the confidence it gave me when I discovered I can make it on my own was phenomenal! Just little things like going to the gym without having to tell someone exactly how long I was going to be was enormously liberating.

Friends who I had lost touch with were wonderful and spent many a night mopping up tears and running up phone bills. I'm now with a wonderful man who is terrifically supportive of all the things I do and I still get a buzz from being independent.

A few years ago I read somewhere that "if you think you are being treated badly, you probably are". I suppose what I am saying is, be strong, do what your heart says and know that you can make it on your own.

Take care, good luck and let us know how you get on.

xxx

 

[toolost101]

right, just letting you know that last night, we talked and i told him exactly how i felt, but the strange thing was he was actually listening to me!!!?? and that he had been thinking along the same lines, and he felt like he was keeping me in, and you were all right he does lack self confidence, and if i went on as night out he thought i would go with someone else, but things are alot clearer now, im going to college to take an art design and fashion design course, to get my independence, im going to make my own money, and i TOLD him that iam going out with friends nexy saturday, he didnt take to it too well, but he said if were strong enough then there isn't a problem, i know its going to be hard for him, but he said hes willing to give his best to not let his lack of self esteem get in the way, so i reassured him that i do love him and that i will be faithful, we have also decided to put ttc on hold for a while to we are both happy to try again. i wouldnt have been able to pluck up the courage without your help, we both feel alot more relaxed and at ease now, THANK YOU THANK YOU so so much xxxx



shelz x

 

[rach]

awwww hun im so pleased for you, you sound much happier now i hope it all goes well. make sure now that you stick to what you have said so he knows you mean it make sure you go out and have fun and get your independence back xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Amanda]

I am so, so please for you. You just make sure that you stick to it now girl.

Good luck with the course and getting your independence back.

Glad we could help.
xx

 

[hayley]

Hi Shelz

Glad you had a good talk with OH! keep to your plans and go out with the girls. Sounds like you need a good drink, a good laugh and basically some catching up on gossip with the girlies.