Not Coping

[mistyblue]

Hi all,

I don't think I am coping very well.

I was discharged from hospital on Thursday after being told that there were no retained products of pregnancy. The bleeding has almost stopped although I have been told I may continue to bleed lightly for a while.

I am just so sad and lost. My DH is struggling too and wants me to be 'me again'. I don't know if I will ever be me again. I feel like a shadow of myself at the moment. I have been trying to keep myself busy, because he wants me to 'move on' not to be cruel, but because he wants his wife back, but it only happened on Wednesday night (naturally in the end) and I am still reliving the horror of the physical pain I was in when I went to A&E. I don't think I have even begun to deal with the emotional side yet.

I am due to go to see my family today. I have seen my mum already (she has been very worried) and I will see the others today. My sister is 29 weeks' pregnant, so that will be hard, but it's not her fault, and I don't hate her or anything like that. I'm just glad it was me, rather than her. My other sis had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, so she has been a rock this week.

I have been signed off work until the end of the month, which I am glad about because I don't know if I could cope with it at the moment. Does it ever get easier? I am dreading going back. No one knows there (except my manager and HR), but I am worried it will get out.

My DH also wants us to try again once my next period has been and gone, but I am not sure. On the one hand, I will be 34 soon and I desperately want a family, but I couldn't put myself through this again and it feels disrespectful to the little life I have already lost to start again so soon.

I want to get back to my normal physical fitness too. I am normally very active, but the pregnancy knocked me about a bit, so I want to build up my physical strength again. I have been told to take it easy for a while, but how long does it take for physical recovery? I lost a 'significant' amount of blood, so I don't want to overdo it. I just want to feel like myself again. What if I never do?

Sorry...just don't know how to cope x x

 

[Daley]

Really sorry about your loss Hun. Take all the time you need to grieve. It does get easier Hun, the pain never goes away but it gets easier to live with. We are all here to talk too x

 

[Cazza]

Take one day at time, cry/shout/scream if you need too.

You will feel like you again........all in your own good time x

 

[Lozzaste]

Hi.
I've lost two. I don't know if you can see my signature or not but both were at 11 weeks.
I'm myself again - my husband is glad. It took a while after the second one, but I was always me, just a sadder version. I wish I could go back to myself then and tell myself to smile.
There is nothing you or I could do to change things. I now know the babes I lost would NEVER want me to be unhappy. I was angry at how unfair it was, but perhaps it was just meant to be that way.
I've dealt with that now and I'm happy with life, I'm embracing it and always thinking the best, positive xx
Hope you're ok xx

 

[Daley]

Hi.
I've lost two. I don't know if you can see my signature or not but both were at 11 weeks.
I'm myself again - my husband is glad. It took a while after the second one, but I was always me, just a sadder version. I wish I could go back to myself then and tell myself to smile.
There is nothing you or I could do to change things. I now know the babes I lost would NEVER want me to be unhappy. I was angry at how unfair it was, but perhaps it was just meant to be that way.
I've dealt with that now and I'm happy with life, I'm embracing it and always thinking the best, positive xx
Hope you're ok xx

Couldn't have put it better x

 

[Iwant3]

if you try to hide or 'override' your feelings to appear 'normal' it will not help you in the long run as those feelings that need to come out and be expressed will just come out further down the line - it is far healthier for you to deal with them now in whatever way you need to.

You will go through a wide range of feelings.....and everything you feel is normal. and yes in time it does get easier, you don't forget and you do change to a certain extent, but if definitely gets easier.

Try again when you feel both physically and emotionally ready.

 

[miss_soldier]

Please don't try stop your emotions. Let it all out, cry, scream or laugh, just do whatever you feel like. I suffered my lost back in May and have held in all my emotions, told everyone I was fine, everyone said I had been really brave and strong. Deep down I was breaking, and it all came out yesterday. I can't even remember what happened, was in my mums and I just broke down. I started to cry and scream and it took ages for me to calm down. Please don't build it up. Even just rant on here. This site is an amazing shoulder to cry on and great support. Thinking of you xxx

 

[thumbelina29]

Don't try to stop your emotions scream at the top of your voice if it helps. Take each day as it comes and try to deal with it as best you can. It's going to be difficult with your sister being pregnant but try not to shut her away she'll be there for you if you need her xx

 

[Lozzaste]

Me again - what the other girls are saying about emotions is so right, I did hold it all in and it came out a month or so ago, actually something else was "the straw that broke the camels back"
I screamed for a good hour or so! I was so angry. My post was suggesting you smile yet deal with it now, don't brush it under the carpet as that's probably just as bad. It's taken me a year as I say but I'm booked into a counsellor.
I think it will help me even more to talk although I've already (finally) made sense of it.
I stand by the fact I would like to tell the Lozzaste of a year or so ago, to smile and be happy, because life is 100% for living and as I said above, the babies I lost wouldn't be happy if I was sad.
Big hugs xx

 

[mistyblue]

Thank you all for listening. I am just trying to take it one day at a time and do positive things with my time. Part of me thinks I should go back to work tomorrow to at least take my mind off things (I have a note until next week), but I still feel fragile physically and I don't trust myself not to fall apart at work, so I think I will do what the doctor suggested and stay off this week. He offered me more time if I need it, but I think work would be really pissed off if I had any more time, plus I have just been promoted, so I feel under some pressure (from myself) to go back.

I don't want to be sad, but I can't help it. It feels like people expect me to just get over it overnight. I was so attached to my 'baby' yet it never developed beyond the implanted egg, so I don't know what it was that I loved so much. To me it was my baby. I spent time talking to it, thinking about what it would look and be like and there was never anything beyond an empty sac to feel anything for, so I guess I feel like a fraud.

The bleeding stopped this morning, although I know it might continue on and off for a while so I am hoping I can regain some control over my physical well being at least. Sorry, I'm rambling now...x x

 

[MrsL3]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I've just been discharged this morning and I completely understand how you must be feeling. It was so traumatic on Saturday that I kind of forgot why I was there, then had the scan yesterday and broke down again. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, it's been horrendous.

Everyone keeps asking if we'll try again but I honestly don't feel like I could go through this again but we are lucky that we already have two children. All I could say is dont rush into trying again, take your time to recover, I'm sure no one expects you to be back to yourself overnight.

I'm not sure how far gone you were when you found out but mine was the same by the sounds of it-I got to 10+4 but they said it looked like baby never developed. I was gutted too so please don't feel like a fraud (although I know EXACTLY what you mean)

I'm here if you need a chat xx

 

[mistyblue]

Thank you all for your support. I am taking it one day at a time x x x

 

[mistyblue]

Thanks MrsL3 - I was 11+4 and found out at my 12 week scan

I feel quite guilty, because my DH confessed yesterday he was heartbroken and I feel like I lied to him. I know I didn't - had a positive pregnancy test, started developing a bump, had all the symptoms. I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. Even when I started spotting the weekend before my scan, I wasn't too concerned because I had thrush and had been told this could cause some light bleeding from irritation to the cervix, although I dreams throughout my pregnancy that there was no baby (thought I was being paranoid). But knowing how hurt he is makes me feel so guilty for hurting him. I know it wasn't my fault, but I wish I could take his pain away x x

 

[Becky1]

So sorry for your loss. It isn't your fault and you haven't lied to your partner. After my mmc I was off work for 3 weeks. It was tough going back but easier than expected.

We were in the fortunate position that as we hadn't been on holiday due to pregnancy we could book to go away. We waited about 6 weeks after erpc and went away for 2 weeks. It did us both the world of good - booking the holiday gave me something to focus on and look forward to and the time away meant we could relax and spend time together.

It takes time but you will be able to move on and you will get your rainbow baby.