Hi girls,
I need your advice...this may be a bit long, sorry.
Some of you know my story or bits of it, but i will try to summarise a bit for you, so that you can see where the prob lies. I have two children from my marriage. I left my husband in 2003, because he is an alcoholic and well, he hurt me in all sorts of ways physically and emotionally. Finally i left. At the time my kids were eleven and four. Because my ex was dangerous, i got a distancing order for six months and when child custody went to court i got an order by which he could not see the children unless he got treatment. Even so, over the past five years they have seen him in the company of family members on a number of occasions, as i thought it was important that they maintain contact. By having other members of his side of the family present, I could protect them if he got drunk or whatever. I dont know if my decision at the time was right or not, but i thought it was my duty to enable visiting rights where possible. In any case, the visits were never regular and dwindled to nothing because if i didnt set them up, take the kids, etc, the didnt happen. I finally gave up. They did continue to see one aunt and uncle because my SIL insisted in maintaining the relationship, we continue to be friends today. A brave woman, as her stubborn attitude to keeping in touch with her nephew and niece cost her all sorts of threats from my ex when at his worst. She continued to maintain regular (once a month) visits with the children.
My ex, needless to say went from bad to worse, refusing treatment as "there was nothing wrong with him" until he ended up in hozzie no knowing who he was or how he got there. He was commited to a mental institution for several months and released into his mother's care in June of this year.
He is now apparently making good progress and everyone is very impressed with how "well" he is. He doesnt go out or anything like that, he is pretty much housebound, but he hasnt had a drink for several months now. As a result my eldest, now sixteen, visits him about once a week. I have no problem with this, as he is now "in treatment". What does happen is that my daughter complains that i make bitter and unkind remarks about him (which I swore i would never do) and if i think about it, it is probably true, although i try to avoid talking about him at all if i can. He is now phoning the kids every sunday and I asked Victor my son, who is now ten, if he wants to visit him He said "no, he hasnt cared about me for ages, why should I?" My daughter says this is my fault due to the nasty comments i make. Truth is, I dont remember making these comments around Victor, only around Jessica, but she says different. It hurts me that now, just because Victor has decided that he doesnt want to see his Papa, that it is my fault...when I am the one who has fought for years to enable a "normal" relationship. I honestly think and hope that i havent influenced him, god knows i have tried not to.
On the other hand, maybe i am bitter. I have been fighting tooth and nail just to make ends meet with my OH, who has been a father to the kids, without any money from him voluntary. And now he finally gets treatment, and he is a f*cking saint!
I went away and thought about it, I have told Jessica that i never want to speak of her father again, that she can see him if she wants and that if Victor wants to see him, she can arrange it, she is old enough. I have decided he is dead for me.
She isnt happy with that and says it is worse...am I wrong in feeling this way? What would you do?
By the way, if you have read all this and managed to follow my ramblings Congratulations and Thanks!
Lisa
I need your advice...this may be a bit long, sorry.
Some of you know my story or bits of it, but i will try to summarise a bit for you, so that you can see where the prob lies. I have two children from my marriage. I left my husband in 2003, because he is an alcoholic and well, he hurt me in all sorts of ways physically and emotionally. Finally i left. At the time my kids were eleven and four. Because my ex was dangerous, i got a distancing order for six months and when child custody went to court i got an order by which he could not see the children unless he got treatment. Even so, over the past five years they have seen him in the company of family members on a number of occasions, as i thought it was important that they maintain contact. By having other members of his side of the family present, I could protect them if he got drunk or whatever. I dont know if my decision at the time was right or not, but i thought it was my duty to enable visiting rights where possible. In any case, the visits were never regular and dwindled to nothing because if i didnt set them up, take the kids, etc, the didnt happen. I finally gave up. They did continue to see one aunt and uncle because my SIL insisted in maintaining the relationship, we continue to be friends today. A brave woman, as her stubborn attitude to keeping in touch with her nephew and niece cost her all sorts of threats from my ex when at his worst. She continued to maintain regular (once a month) visits with the children.
My ex, needless to say went from bad to worse, refusing treatment as "there was nothing wrong with him" until he ended up in hozzie no knowing who he was or how he got there. He was commited to a mental institution for several months and released into his mother's care in June of this year.
He is now apparently making good progress and everyone is very impressed with how "well" he is. He doesnt go out or anything like that, he is pretty much housebound, but he hasnt had a drink for several months now. As a result my eldest, now sixteen, visits him about once a week. I have no problem with this, as he is now "in treatment". What does happen is that my daughter complains that i make bitter and unkind remarks about him (which I swore i would never do) and if i think about it, it is probably true, although i try to avoid talking about him at all if i can. He is now phoning the kids every sunday and I asked Victor my son, who is now ten, if he wants to visit him He said "no, he hasnt cared about me for ages, why should I?" My daughter says this is my fault due to the nasty comments i make. Truth is, I dont remember making these comments around Victor, only around Jessica, but she says different. It hurts me that now, just because Victor has decided that he doesnt want to see his Papa, that it is my fault...when I am the one who has fought for years to enable a "normal" relationship. I honestly think and hope that i havent influenced him, god knows i have tried not to.
On the other hand, maybe i am bitter. I have been fighting tooth and nail just to make ends meet with my OH, who has been a father to the kids, without any money from him voluntary. And now he finally gets treatment, and he is a f*cking saint!
![twisted :twisted: :twisted:](/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/twistedg.gif)
I went away and thought about it, I have told Jessica that i never want to speak of her father again, that she can see him if she wants and that if Victor wants to see him, she can arrange it, she is old enough. I have decided he is dead for me.
She isnt happy with that and says it is worse...am I wrong in feeling this way? What would you do?
By the way, if you have read all this and managed to follow my ramblings Congratulations and Thanks!
Lisa