My older children and my ex

[mamichuli]

Hi girls,

I need your advice...this may be a bit long, sorry.
Some of you know my story or bits of it, but i will try to summarise a bit for you, so that you can see where the prob lies. I have two children from my marriage. I left my husband in 2003, because he is an alcoholic and well, he hurt me in all sorts of ways physically and emotionally. Finally i left. At the time my kids were eleven and four. Because my ex was dangerous, i got a distancing order for six months and when child custody went to court i got an order by which he could not see the children unless he got treatment. Even so, over the past five years they have seen him in the company of family members on a number of occasions, as i thought it was important that they maintain contact. By having other members of his side of the family present, I could protect them if he got drunk or whatever. I dont know if my decision at the time was right or not, but i thought it was my duty to enable visiting rights where possible. In any case, the visits were never regular and dwindled to nothing because if i didnt set them up, take the kids, etc, the didnt happen. I finally gave up. They did continue to see one aunt and uncle because my SIL insisted in maintaining the relationship, we continue to be friends today. A brave woman, as her stubborn attitude to keeping in touch with her nephew and niece cost her all sorts of threats from my ex when at his worst. She continued to maintain regular (once a month) visits with the children.
My ex, needless to say went from bad to worse, refusing treatment as "there was nothing wrong with him" until he ended up in hozzie no knowing who he was or how he got there. He was commited to a mental institution for several months and released into his mother's care in June of this year.
He is now apparently making good progress and everyone is very impressed with how "well" he is. He doesnt go out or anything like that, he is pretty much housebound, but he hasnt had a drink for several months now. As a result my eldest, now sixteen, visits him about once a week. I have no problem with this, as he is now "in treatment". What does happen is that my daughter complains that i make bitter and unkind remarks about him (which I swore i would never do) and if i think about it, it is probably true, although i try to avoid talking about him at all if i can. He is now phoning the kids every sunday and I asked Victor my son, who is now ten, if he wants to visit him He said "no, he hasnt cared about me for ages, why should I?" My daughter says this is my fault due to the nasty comments i make. Truth is, I dont remember making these comments around Victor, only around Jessica, but she says different. It hurts me that now, just because Victor has decided that he doesnt want to see his Papa, that it is my fault...when I am the one who has fought for years to enable a "normal" relationship. I honestly think and hope that i havent influenced him, god knows i have tried not to.
On the other hand, maybe i am bitter. I have been fighting tooth and nail just to make ends meet with my OH, who has been a father to the kids, without any money from him voluntary. And now he finally gets treatment, and he is a f*cking saint!
I went away and thought about it, I have told Jessica that i never want to speak of her father again, that she can see him if she wants and that if Victor wants to see him, she can arrange it, she is old enough. I have decided he is dead for me.

She isnt happy with that and says it is worse...am I wrong in feeling this way? What would you do?

By the way, if you have read all this and managed to follow my ramblings Congratulations and Thanks!

Lisa

 

[Misslarue]

It's a tough situation hun

Your daughter does feel that you have made unkind comments as she has said that to you, so at some point you have, So there is a chance that your son does feels the same way hun, but I doubt it is down to you why he doesn't want to see his father I would suspect that his fathers actions have played the most part.

When my parents split up, I felt terribly torn between them both and because my dad had hurt and treated my mum so badly I feel like I was hurting her by wanting to see my dad. I am not saying your son feels that way, but it's inevitable that children involved in a break up, no matter what the circumstances are going to have issues to deal with

Personally if it was me, I would put my feelings aside for my ex and try help my children see their father, if thats what they want. I would help them arrange it and reassure them that you have no issues with them trying to re-establish a relationship with their father. Although again only if that's what they want to do.

I completely understand why you feel so much hurt and anger towards your ex, he sounds like a right ba$tard But I would keep the fact that he is dead to you to yourself for now. Try and be as impartial as you can at this point. It's important that your children make up their own opinions of their Dad.
He is trying to make amends and sort himself out but if he messes up again all you can do is be there for them

 

[nori]

God that must be such a hard position to be in. I know from friends of mine that when their parents split up they felt very torn and their mum made several nasty comments about the dad and visa versa which i thought was wrong .

However, it sounds like your ex really was a complete ******* and it sounds like you have tried your hardest to be amicable throughout!

I think all you can do is let your kids make their own decisons about seeing them now and bite your tongue when it comes to any comments about it.

Good luck with it hun,

Claire x

 

[purple13]

oh god hon, you poor thing what a bloody impossible situation to be in.

you have to do what's right for you. your son & daughter will understand, in time, what you went through and why you feel the way you do. i think, like misslarue says, you have to let them make their own opinions now, hard though that will be...

 

[Sammystar]

Life is just not fair sometimes

You know I relate to this hun. I can see the same thing happening to me in years to come. I wish I could offer advice. It must be so hard.

All you can do is grit your teeth for now and just brace yourself for the fallout when he lets them down again (which he will).

At the end of the day though, reassure yourself that it's YOU who has the unbreakable bond with them, and one day, they will appreciate all the things you've done for them

 

[Squiglet]

Tbh you probably have said some sort of bitter remarks... Not out of spite or malious of course but out of truth.. I don't actually think its possible not to as such especially if you have this child who you love with all your heart, think is perfect, crying on your shoulder because daddy forget their birthday (AGAIN) or xmas (AGAIN) or said they'd come and visit and didn't (AGAIN)...the phrase, he's probably busy working doesn't wash all the time... and I know from my experience that sometimes they need to get angry too... because they are angry. I don't think its fair that my child screams and punches and kicks me because my ex has let her down. She needs to direct that anger in the right direction. So I have been honest with her sometimes.

It just doesn't sit right with me to out and out right lie to my child. I don't know if lying about her father is actually a good thing for her. She needs to know the truth and sadly these comments may come across as bitter. When my ex broke his promise to Tia this summer, I told her the truth that her daddy broke his promise to her and that wasn't a very nice thing for him to do... he loves her but quite frankly he's an idiot and didn't do his daddy duties well. I think I would have been far less honest if he had been a man, picked up the phone and said.. look Tia, I'm sorry but I'm very busy and I can't make it this summer, but I will arrange to come and see you in ***** for *****days. But he didn't... he called her on her birthday, she asked when he was coming over and he mumbled some excuse about being too busy and hasn't called since.

I just think its hard to remain impartial to someone who constantly and consistantly hurts someone you love. If it was some stranger in the street that did it you'd have them... I have made sure that people who I know who have hurt my loved ones, have been erased from my life... its just such ashame that you can't do the same with your ex.

The main thing I try and do though is, if I have to make comments of dislike concerning my ex to Tia, is to not name him directly but to cover grown ups in general. I think thats as impartial as I can be..

Its not an easy job.... I have never regretted having Tia... I just wish she only had one father.