My 4 year old is a bully

[jools02]

I'm so disappointed with my son. He's just turned four and started reception. The teacher took me aside today and told me has been hitting several children because he doesn't want to share toys. I'm so disappointed and upset with him. I don't know why he's doing it, he's never been hit at home and we've always taught him to share. He's normally a very generous child at home too, offering sweets etc without even being asked. When the teacher was talking to me I felt like a complete failure as a mother and when she watched us as I walked out of the school gate I felt like she was watching how I interacted with him as if its something I may be doing to cause his behaviour.

I explained to her that its not like him and that I would try to sort it out, but I didn't know why he was doing it. I did tell her he has been more boisterous at home lately because his dad is away for 9 weeks with the army. He has been a handful and when I try to discipline him he doesn't listen to me, just repeats the same things over and over again like 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...' and so on and I can't get a word in edgeways! I'm almost at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. I feel like running away

 

[purple13]

i haven't got any advice i'm afraid. but you're not a bad mummy hon. i hope you get to the bottom of his behaviour

 

[SarahH]

Awwww hun, you are not a bad mummy.

It probably is because he is missing his Daddy, Arianna does play up more when her Daddy is away to the rig.

 

[MummyJess]

I really feel for you. My 3 year old went through a period of biting and it was so embarrassing. I felt all the other Mums were judging me. Did his teacher offer you any advice or say how they had been dealing with it in school?

Sounds like he's just got a lot of things to adjust to, starting school and his dad being away. Also I'm guessing by your ticker that the novelty of the new baby is wearing off and he is starting to act up on that. My middle daughter adored her baby sister up until she started sitting and moving, then obviously started to see her more as a threat and started playing up a lot whenever I gave her sister any attention.

When his dad is home does your son listen to him when he disciplines him? And does he take more notice of you as well? Maybe he is just testing the boundaries to see what else has changed.

With regards to the school problem, have you asked him about it? It is always a possiblity that he is not necessarily the one who is instigating the problem, just the one who gets caught! When my daughter was biting, it was because she has ongoing medical problems that mean she has a very weak voice. She therefore couldn't always make herself heard and would bite to express her anger, because she couldn't shout. It doesn't excuse the biting but it did explain it and when the teachers were aware of it at preschool, they made sure that the Molly never had to get to breaking point by keeping an eye on who she was playing with and that they were listening to her.

Sorry for the long post, hope something might have made sense but if not, just know that you are doing a great job and it happens to almost every mother at some point!

 

[mamichuli]

Hun, your son is a little lad, not a bully and you are a super mum. You are concerned and that in itself tells the world what a super mum you are!
First hugs

My suggestion is to sit down with him and ask him about school, what they do, what he likes, who he likes, who he doesnt like...and see where it takes you. With this age there is no point in trying to tackle the prob head on, cos half the time they dont know why they do these things, they just do them. Your husband being away may well be a factor but it is important that he knows you are boss, thing is you may have to talk it thru with him...when you get to the bit of hurting other kids, maybe you can explain that it hurts you when he is a bad boy.

Hope this helps



Lisa

 

[lea m]

Awww your lad is not a bully! Hes just 4! And Im sure your a brill mum and when you think about it, hes just started a new class, his daddy is away, the other children may not be too nice either and all these things affect children and he may be fine again in a few weeks!
Both my boys were a handful in Nursery/reception! They didnt really fight with other children but wouldnt do a thing the teachers said! At home they were great, at school little monsters! (didnt help that the nursery and reception class was mixed so they were in the same class for a year lol) when they began being more of a handful at home, they were good as gold in school

 

[claire_louise]

feel like im sneaking in here, seen as i dont have an older child, BUT i did work in a reception class, and i can assure you the teacher wouldnt have deemed you a bad mother, its easy to tell by peoples reaction, she'll have been able to see how upset you were by the way you reacted, rather then a 'oh right ok what ever' kind of attitude.



im surprised she didnt explain what they've been doing to try and resolve it but he's definatly not a bully

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

All children go through stages of biting, pushing or pulling hair, If any parent say there child didn't they are Lying!

What works for me is to show that I am sad/disappointed by his behavour. And make sure you keep the disapline up, if it gets lapsed at home, he may think he can get away with it at school. But to be honest, he is a 4 year old, they are made to push bounderies. My nearly 3 year old is going through the repetative stage, I will answer him once then just ignore him. When he is a bit naughty he gets a choice, either stand in the corner or go to bed. He will then come out the corner and say sorry. and I will say "What for?" He will answer with, what he did wrong. "Sorry mummy for hitting". Then end of story, will not be mentioned again. It works brill. Only went to bed a few times, but he soon learnt.

But there is always a reason, so just let him understand, how it must hurt the other child and makes them feel.

 

[Sephs]

I know so many little boys and a handful of girls who go through the stage of not wanting to share, wanting things another child has got, and generally not settling with what it is they have.
If you think about it, children aren't able to say 'I'd only like to have the blue crayon for a minute to colour the sky, please', and if they were, there's a chance the other child won't understand and will still feel they want to take the crayon away full stop!
This is obviously going to result in something physical, as children tend not to have the ability to mentally rationalise with eachother, whereas one child may be able to ask politely for something, another child may think 'hell no, get your own!' and a little shunt turns into a fully fledged shove and one child ends up on the floor with a snotty nose and tears in their eyes.

So your little boy isn't a bully in the slightest, most if not all children go through the 'I want' stage, they're never happy with what they have, they want what he or she has got over there!
When he repeats you, shouting over him or trying to would probably be the worst option, I personally would just stand there until he had finished his mocking and when he stops, tell him 'it's mummy's turn to speak, and you will get your turn after mummy'. Tell him how important it is that he listens and understands you, the last thing I'd do is show him you're getting fed up or angry with him, look as though you couldn't be bothered that he's repeating himself purposely so you can't speak. When he's in a particularly good mood, it may be nice to have a cuddle before bed one night and ask him about school, as already mentioned, his likes and dislikes, why he likes them or doesn't like them, and what he likes doing at school.
You will get through this sticky patch, don't blame yourself because so many children do similar things! GL Jools

 

[Morganuk]

Dont forget hun this is all very new to him and he is probably just finding setteling into nursery a little harder then others.

Im sure youve already talked to him about it, im sure once he settles in, with the teachers help he will be ok.

 

[Rosebay]

Hi,

hugs hun . He's not a bully, honest, it's just a phase. Kids pick stuff up from other kids and sometimes it's a dynamic between certain kids too. Mel throws things when he's tired, frustrated or bored. It winds me up no end but it's better now than it has been... mostly! Just when you think you've repeated the explanation as to why they shouldn't do it for the millionth time and they'll never stop they do. But then when something changes, even little things they'll try and test the waters again and see if it's still something they can't do. As long as you're consistent then the second, third, forth etc etc times it doesn't last as long!

With Mel and the throwing it was very bad with his best friend in the world. She has been his companion since they were born as I met her mum at anti-natal but earlier this year they got into a weird dynamic where she grabbed things he wanted to play with and he threw them so that she couldn't get them. He threw a car at her house that broke a picture frame and I was mortified but it was tricky as really my friend didn't see that it was a joint issue and saw her girl as "wanting to play" rather than being possessive! I used to tell him off pretty harshly and if he failed to apologise we'd leave right away or I'd say before we got there "throw anything and you're going home" and it did happen so we had to follow through. IT got to a point where I dreaded the two of them together but they always asked for each other and really love each other so it was difficult! Then I decided to just avoid the situation by meeting up at the park instead where they did share slides etc etc. We're living away at the moment and he's just started nursery. When we went to visit his friend last week she went to grab something he was playing with. He calmly went into the front room, played with it for about 30 seconds then went back and gave it to her. Another time there was some tension about another toy and I said to him "why don't you say that you want to play with it for a moment and that she can have it in a minute rather than throwing it" and blow me down he did and it worked! I think nursery has obviously calmed him and time of course. So anyway it could be that your son is having issues with particular kids and the way that they behave. Their other friend who is a similar age just hit her when she tried to grab and he never did it to anyone else so it's a thing! If you can face it is it worth asking the school for more details so you can get a better picture of what's going on and why? Have you tried telling him to do something else when he's angry like hitting a pillow or counting? Sometimes when Mel is in a whacking mood we head-butt the sofa together! His father has a right temper- not physical but my goodness he shouts so I'm very keen to sort any kind of anger issues out with Mel when they turn up as my OH turns his anger inwards and gets depressed because it doesn't come out in a constructive way. A guy a knew worked at a nursery and he used to take the "Lion" group- a group of boys who tended to bite, throw and hit and he said he used the punching the pillow bit quite often and explain to them that it was ok to be angry but that they should do something to let it out that wasn't going to hurt anyone else. My OH finds that digging helps now, I reckon that sports will be good for controlling energy and channeling themselves in the future too.

Good luck with it, don't feel bad though I know it's hard, he's not a bad lad, it's just that learning how to live with our emotions is very very hard, something that is work in progress until we're quite old even! Having you as a mum to help him will make it so much easier for him though.


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