Mixed feelings

[SmithyBaby]

Hey all,

Wondering how everyone was doing here. I have been having strange feelings lately (all very mixed really) that I have trouble dealing with sometimes.
My feelings are fluctuating between being excited to start TTC again next month, stressed I haven't had AF yet, still sad about the losses when I see pregnant ladies or ladies due when I was due, happy that my cousin is about to give birth but also extremely jealous and guilty for being jealous and then strange feelings of panic and sort of flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed with sepsis when I get too hot or my heart rate goes up. I can't really deal with all these emotions and I am flipping between them all and it is all the time. I take my stress and rage out on my other half when I don't mean to but considering all this he has been very understanding. I am trying to move forward but feel like all of this is holding me back. I don't want to get pregnant again and take all this emotional baggage with me so to speak.

Feel free to rant about how you feel like I just did, I love that this space is available for us all. Like a personal therapy session!

 

[LucyC]

Hey smithy, sorry to see that you’re struggling but all totally understandable emotions. Doesn’t make them any easier to deal with though!

I have to say I share a lot of your emotions. One day I’m fine and feeling better about things and looking forward to being pregnant again, the next day I’m scared of falling pregnant again, worried about my newly irregular cycles and panicking about the whole situation. Some days I don’t get jealous of other pregnant people or people with new babies and then the next day I am and want to escape anything pregnancy related.

You’re right this place is great to vent and also so helpful to speak to others who understand most how I’m feeling xx

 

[SmithyBaby]

Just makes me feel like a crazy yo-yo. I never had such wildly changing emotions til all of this started, it's been a real adventure that's for sure! I also try to remember that really this has only been going on since March and that there are people who have been trying longer and had worse things happen to them really, that usually helps me snap back to reality and stop feeling sorry for myself which I have a tendency to do lately.

 

[night owl]

Aw smithy sorry you are feeling crap at the moment, the experience which you’ve just gone through with getting sepsis is so traumatic for anyone that no one would blame you for feeling a bit scarred from it, you are definitely going to feel mixed emotions about trying again now, you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t! There’s going to be a lot of anxiety and worry there, this may have to be a case of ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ for you as I think one part of you really wants to try again now and the other part is scared of having to go through anymore trauma (the odds are hugely in your favour that you won’t) and I know what you mean about not wanting to take emotional baggage into your next pregnancy but when you next see a bfp just think ‘new egg, new sperm, new pregnancy, new chance x

 

[LucyR]

So sorry you feel this way it’s definitely a emotional roller coaster. And you’ve had it really and with getting sepsis on top of everything else. I’m so glad I found this forum it’s helped me so much and hopefully it will help you too x

 

[Akua]

Totally understand. Some days I used to feel like I needed to be pregnant in the same way I need oxygen. Other times I didn’t even want to think about ttc as I didn’t want just any baby, I wanted the one I had lost. I also was terrified it’d happen again.

Now I’m here and I’m pregnant again, I still have days where I’m so scared I’ll have another loss. But on the whole I’m happy. I keep telling myself ‘different pregnancy, different story, different ending’. It’s my little mantra to get me through tri one.

 

[LucyC]

Just makes me feel like a crazy yo-yo. I never had such wildly changing emotions til all of this started, it's been a real adventure that's for sure! I also try to remember that really this has only been going on since March and that there are people who have been trying longer and had worse things happen to them really, that usually helps me snap back to reality and stop feeling sorry for myself which I have a tendency to do lately.

That so much to go through in such a short space of time though! No wonder your emotions are all over the place. Of course there’s always someone out there worse off but that doesn’t take away from what you’ve been through xx

 

[SmithyBaby]

I am so glad you are all here and so supportive, it makes it all much more bearable. You're right of course night owl and akua it will be different once I am pregnant again and have that happiness to focus on. At the moment I feel like it is only sadness to focus on with the odd bit of excitement, but with AF holding off I can't get into the excitement of TTC yet. It's all just practicing when we BD which is lovely but in the back of my head I keep thinking, c'mon now AF I just want to get on with having this baby.

 

[night owl]

Oh I really hope it turns up for you soon smithy, I sympathise with you I had to wait 6 weeks for mine it was so annoying

I’m glad you’re finding some comfort in being able to talk to other women on this forum, I’ve found it a godsend everyone is here to support each other

 

[Akua]

It took 40 days for my af after my mc. Think it just turns up when it’s good and ready, which is a pain.

 

[SmithyBaby]

She just arrived and in full flow. Thank goodness, I was starting to really stress out. I am so happy because if I ovulated when I thought I did I am currently 16/17dpo which isn't too bad considering everything!

 

[1sttimer]

Hi smithybaby - that is great news that AF has arrived for you and that's pretty good timing I'd say after all that trauma you've been through! It's odd isn't it, that feeling of actually being relieved to see af. I remember seeing my first one after my last MC and thinking, 'yes it's arrived the first step back to normality', and then quickly thinking...'god, normally I'm here hoping it doesn't turn up and now I'm here thinking thank god it has' - that in itself is enough of an emotional rollercoaster without all the other stress. For what it's worth, I think you're doing fantastically with everything you have had to deal with. Sepsis is incredibly frightening, and I think you're amazing for being so good - you should feel sorry for yourself sometimes and don't feel guilty about it either.

I had a really low day yesterday - for some reason, I woke up thinking about my 2nd MC (the worst one) and an argument (blazing row) I'd had with my sister 3 weeks before I'd lost it, and got it into my head somehow that it might have contributed to it (it must have been some dream!) even though it was just complication after complication all the way through. And somehow I just couldn't shake the feeling and I felt so angry, angry at her that she'd allowed it to happen, and angry at myself for getting so stressed out and upset at the time..I then proceeded to spend the whole day on the brink of tears, I had no energy, I couldn't even be bothered to talk, just felt so low thinking about it all again....and that one was a year ago! It's a long time since I had a day like that and its just awful but I think that will just happen sometimes - it comes out of the blue and just knocks us sideways...but hey, we keep picking ourselves up because what's the alternative! Keep on trooping lady, you're doing amazingly x

 

[Princess81]

It’s totally understandable that you feel this way, considering what you have been through. Your longing for AF to arrive just demonstrates your need to get some sort of normality to life, reassurance that your body is recovering and functioning. The eagerness for TTc is reflective of the hope that you hold in your heart that this time will be different. The jealousy and fear is reflective of what you have lost. All of it normal but difficult to deal with. You certainly aren’t alone. When I got pregnant with my son after my MC I couldn’t stop thinking about the first pregnancy and how much I wanted that baby and I still think of it on what would’ve been my due date, even though my son is now 6. Obviously I wouldn’t change him for the world but a loss is a loss and they do stay with you x

 

[SmithyBaby]

Hi smithybaby - that is great news that AF has arrived for you and that's pretty good timing I'd say after all that trauma you've been through! It's odd isn't it, that feeling of actually being relieved to see af. I remember seeing my first one after my last MC and thinking, 'yes it's arrived the first step back to normality', and then quickly thinking...'god, normally I'm here hoping it doesn't turn up and now I'm here thinking thank god it has' - that in itself is enough of an emotional rollercoaster without all the other stress. For what it's worth, I think you're doing fantastically with everything you have had to deal with. Sepsis is incredibly frightening, and I think you're amazing for being so good - you should feel sorry for yourself sometimes and don't feel guilty about it either.

I had a really low day yesterday - for some reason, I woke up thinking about my 2nd MC (the worst one) and an argument (blazing row) I'd had with my sister 3 weeks before I'd lost it, and got it into my head somehow that it might have contributed to it (it must have been some dream!) even though it was just complication after complication all the way through. And somehow I just couldn't shake the feeling and I felt so angry, angry at her that she'd allowed it to happen, and angry at myself for getting so stressed out and upset at the time..I then proceeded to spend the whole day on the brink of tears, I had no energy, I couldn't even be bothered to talk, just felt so low thinking about it all again....and that one was a year ago! It's a long time since I had a day like that and its just awful but I think that will just happen sometimes - it comes out of the blue and just knocks us sideways...but hey, we keep picking ourselves up because what's the alternative! Keep on trooping lady, you're doing amazingly x

Thank you 1sttimer that's a really nice thing to say. I try not to feel guilty about it but sometimes it is hard not to, I just want to be happy for everyone but life is not that easy or simple I guess.

Aww bless you, sorry you had such a bad day. Sometimes there are days when I can hardly get out of bed or bring myself to smile so I completely understand. The emotions are still raw I think so all sorts of things can set you off. You're right the alternative is just to curl up under the covers and never get out of bed, but then I have told myself that I am not going to let this define me and dictate my life from here. I am going to dust myself off and keep going and when I have my little baby in my arms (which I am determined will happen) I will be so unbelievably grateful for what I have and be proud of how far I have come.

 

[SmithyBaby]

It’s totally understandable that you feel this way, considering what you have been through. Your longing for AF to arrive just demonstrates your need to get some sort of normality to life, reassurance that your body is recovering and functioning. The eagerness for TTc is reflective of the hope that you hold in your heart that this time will be different. The jealousy and fear is reflective of what you have lost. All of it normal but difficult to deal with. You certainly aren’t alone. When I got pregnant with my son after my MC I couldn’t stop thinking about the first pregnancy and how much I wanted that baby and I still think of it on what would’ve been my due date, even though my son is now 6. Obviously I wouldn’t change him for the world but a loss is a loss and they do stay with you x

Thanks Princess, any loss is so hard and I will never forget them I know that. It is everything that comes with it - the hopes, the dreams, the plans. It's nice to know my emotions are shared with others (but unfortunate that others have had to suffer the same thing) and that people can understand why you feel the way you feel. I have said it a hundred times but this group has been a really amazing place for me to come and for women to understand my particular brand of crazy with TTC as well as coping with my losses.

 

[Emilygrant]

Dear don’t be jealous. You will become a mother one day. You just have to be patient. That’s the secret. Good to hear that you are going for TTC. I hope everything goes your way. I feel that you have done the right thing. Of telling about your mixed feelings. This will loosen you a bit. But don’t get too lose. Otherwise, you won’t straighten up. Having your own baby is the greatest feeling of all. Not all of the women enjoy this feeling. I hope you do. My best wishes to you.

 

[Sonia3211]

Hey, smithyBaby I hope you are fine and doing great. I loved your display picture though. Always be cool and positive. I can feel you, sweetheart. I had faced the similar kind of situation. When you are struggling and see ladies with their kids. Jealousy at this stage is natural. Well my dear you should try something different now. Surrogacy will be best option for you. There is a very well known clinic in Europe who is doing excellence in this field. Their success rates are also high. You should visit them. Things will be alright very soon. My good wishes and prayers are with you. Don't lose hope.