Marriage

[Olive]

My OH does not want to get married and has always maintained this (annoyingly). We've been together for 8 years. I'd like to get married because I think it would be nice to have a husband, inlaws, the same name etc. I can't really talk to him about it, because he just doesn't want to and I end up feeling hurt by it all.

I feel bad even writing this.

We've been ttc for a while and now I'm pregnant I'm not sure what to do about when it comes to our baby's surname. I personally would like our baby to have OH's surname, but part of me thinks why should I be the odd one out, when he is the one that has decided that I will be.

I don't want someone thinking my SIL (so to speak) for example it our baby's Mum because she has the same surname.

But then I feel guilty about it and bad for his parents (who can't understand why he doesn't want to get married).

He did suggest to me changing my name by deed poll the other day (how romantic), but I don't know if I see the point and would hate to explain to people at work, facebook etc that we're not married, I've just changed my name to fit in with everyone else. Lol.

I don't doubt he loves me btw. We've been together a lot longer than a lot of our married friends, have had a mortgage for 5 years, ttc etc. He just doesn't believe in marriage I don't want anyone to think badly of him, it's just the way he is!

Anyone else in the same boat?

xxxx

 

[Constantstar]

I know how u feel about the name thing I'm engaged but not married and it's going to annoy me that baby won't have sane last name as me. We won't be married got a while due to funds either but I'm happy he takes ohs surname . Have u thought about double barrel surname? Your and other halfs? X

 

[Olive]

Thanks for reply hun I wish I was engaged!

Have thought about it but my surname is quite long and it doesn't sound very good unfortunately. I'm sure I'll figure it out in time, just playing on my mind atm.

xxxxx

 

[littlemiss83]

Hey Olive

I'm more or less in the same boat as you. Except neither me or my OH want to do it. Neither of us are religious and the idea has never appealed to us. We have been together for 9 years in Dec and we dont feel like we need to prove ourselves to anyone.

My daughter took my OH's name and so will this baby, I hate having a different surname, but i'm gonna be changing my name by deed poll soon, i'm not 100% decided but i'm pretty sure i'll do it probably after baby is born so that both my kids have the same mums name on birth cert.

 

[tiggy]

OMG your oh is exactly the same as mine that's spooky!! My oh has always said he won't get married because he doesn't believe it in, and doesnt see why he has to just follow tradition! I have never been bothered but now I know we are having a baby it does change things a bit for me as it would be nice to be married and all have the same name etc!! Told my oh this but he doesn't get it so I have told him that if he doesn't want to follow the tradition of getting married I won't follow the tradition of giving baby his surname! Unless we are engage and planning to get married by time baby arrives it can have his name if not it's my name! He didn't react and just said fine whatever I want, arrrgh!! Xx

 

[Sleepy sue]

My bro and SIL went for a double barrel name as the surname so my nieces and nephews have both, you could always do that xx

 

[PrincessPeanut]

With my ex who I was pretty serious with for a long time got to the point where we talked about having kids, I told him the only way he'd have kids with the same surname as him was if he put a ring on my finger. (He wasn't all that kean on getting married either but wanted everything else).
I think men are more proud, so to speak, when it comes to things like this and I said every single time he brought up having kids. He eventually got the idea but we broke up before it got anywhere near that stage as I realised I didn't want his surname never mind having kids to him! LoL!

Now I'm with OH and it's actually to the point where this has crossed my mind about the baby having a different surname but I know in a few years I'll have the same surname so it doesn't bother me at the moment. Even OH said the other day as we were talking about LO called me Mrs Dixon and I said who you talking about? Your Mum? And he said 'No you', I just turned and said, I'm not to him and he said I will be one day soon (not that we're even engaged!!) but it's nice to know he's on the same track as me!

xxxx

 

[Froslass]

I totally feel for you chick x
But I suppose it really depends on how you see marriage. If your see it as Standing before God (of any religion) and making a commitement to eachother then maybe thats why your OH doesn't want to do it? Because he doesn't believe in it? x

From your point of view though it could be that you want to make the commitment infront of all your friends and family, and this is why it upsets you.

I know it's a bit bad me saying this, and lots of people will disagree, but really unless your religious, all marriage is, is a bit of paper from the government. A registration that you live together.

You guys already have a good loving relationship, a baby on the way, and (i'm guessing) a home together. Marriage isn't going to change that, or the way you feel about your OH x
You could change your name, although I would try and speak to your OH and ask if you could talk about other options xx

Just because he doesn't want a big religious wedding or ceremony, doesn't mean you can't get legally married, maybe he would be willing to compromise. If you explain to him your happy not t have the big ceremony, but if you could just get legally married (so baby has same surname and stuff). It's not fair he should just make the decision to not get married xx

Big x

 

[meggymum]

I've been in a similar position hunny. I'd been with my OH for 9 years (engaged for 7) and then finally we got married a year ago. I wanted to get married sooner but OH said time wasn't right (to be fair we had a lot of family issues to deal with) and I got disheartened. We didn't need to get married; we are not religious, we know we love each other and getting married doesn't change that, but we got married in the end purely for official reasons, name change, baby having the right name etc.

Maybe you can convince your OH that even if he doesn't "believe in it", its for everyones benefit to do it. At the end of the day what a marriage comes down to is signing your names on a piece of paper and changing your name. Thats it. So whats not to believe in? I'd imagine it's more to do with the stigma of weddings and surrounding fluff that he doesn't like. So rather than him getting you to change your name by deed poll, maybe get married in a registry office or something, not every wedding has to be a huge white wedding with lots of fuss. My OH doesn't believe in all the hot air around weddings, but he married me because he loves me and its better for everyone.

I hope your OH does the same.

xxxxx

 

[Sarah13]

I got married last year after being together 9 years, and I refused to change my name, I don't 'get' the whole name changing thing and and hate the thought of being called Mrs! All 3 of us have different surnames and we've yet to decide what name this baby will have, but it's really no big deal having different names, I like it personally!

I'm anti religion in general and my hubby is a massive atheist but we wanted to show our love and commitment to each other plus have a piss up. I also proposed to him on a drunken leap year! So with being anti religion and anti traditional weddings, we had a humanist hand fasting in an old ruin and all camped out for the weekend with bands and BBQ's it was brilliant and totally us! In Scotland you can have this as legally binding, it's not legal in England but lots of people do this as it's so chilled, totally personal and doesn't have to have all the traditional wedding requirements lots of men (and women) hate. We made up our own personal vows which we kept secret until the day, this was very important to us, the whole thing was very personal and just about us and our family.

I hate all that wedding stuff I think your OH is probably referring too, and it was great just to break every rule going but still show our love and commitment to each other. The best bit was the look of shock on peoples faces when they realized our plans and they would need to join in since we went along to their weddings, they all came round though and realized how meaningful our day was and that showing your commitment to each other isn't about god, a piece of paper or anyone else.

So what I'm suggesting after that big waffle is how about some kind of commitment ceremony/party that would suit you both and celebrate your love and on that day you could change your name by deed poll (or he could change his lol) then you will all match if that's what you want and not quite so unromantic! A good website I looked at (although mainly American) is www.offbeatbride.com helped me to see love commitments can be done in lots of different ways.

Hope things work out and your both happy, you have to be happy too remember!

 

[DW1978]

My cousin are her other half are not married and the children have a double barrelled surname. It is quite long and a bit of a mouthful at first but everyone soon got used to it.

On the other hand, my boss is not married to his 'wife' and they have two grown up (17 and 20) children together. She changed her name by deed poll and no one ever questions it, they just all accept it and they are always reffered to as husband and wife.

MY DH and I are not religious in anyway so we chose to have a humanist wedding instead. It was lovely.

Would your OH do something small and non religious, just with a couple of witnesses instead?

 

[Hemera]

I agree getting married is basically a piece of paper, however as I explained to OH I wanted the shiney ring, the dress, and to be a princess for a day! It doesn't have to be expensive and its declaring you're commitment for eachother infront of all your friends and family. Also its so nice to have all of both sides of your family meet each other.
If we wern't married i'm not sure what i'd do re the surname issue, I would want the baby to have the same surname as me but wouldn't want to exclude OH. I don't like double barreled surnames and I wouldn't want to be left out. Why don't you get him to change his surname by deedpoll to your last name, why should it have to be you. lol

 

[snr1982]

I'm a total soppy cow and think marriage is about love.. I couldn't care less about the religious aspect of it or what legal rights you have once you are married. I just think that by getting married it shows that you both want to spend the rest of your lives together and love each other unconditional. I'm a total sucker though and love all the romantic stuff, Unfortunately my other half isn't like this and sometimes I find it hard with him. he doesn't even tell me he loves me so the chances of him proposing are very very slim. . gutted but I just have to get on with it. There is no way I would ask him, I did mention it once and he said he didn't know and I've never brought it up again. Other people ask if we are getting married, esp since we've been expecting a baby and I always jump in and say no way. lol. even though I would love too, not sure why i do that. Was just thinking I can't even look at him when they ask in case i can tell in his eyes what the answer is ! eek. Oops anyway my daughter has my last name as there was no way I was giving her the previous persons last name, he was a total arse and I knew that, that’s another story though. This time though this baby is getting his last name, will be strange but it just feels right this time

 

[Olive]

Thanks so much for the responses. It has been good to hear everyones thoughts.

Tiggy and Snr1982, I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one!

I do think marriage is just a piece of paper, when I think about it. I don't want a big wedding day either. I just want the husband, the name and the family aspect...and ok, the ring. Lol.

It's not going to happen though. I knew this before, so I don't know why I thought things might change. Maybe I will change my surname. I think if I'm honest, I worry too much about what other people think.

Thanks again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[ISH]

I understand you perfectly, Olive... I don't think I'd be best pleased either with a one-sided decision.

That being said, I did it for the dress and the day, because the rest I knew would be very much the same.

 

[cherelle]

I did go through the whole name thing when i first got pregnant.

OH is not opposed to marriage but he is not keen on doing it for a few years yet, maybe until we have a couple of kids and are more settled with our jobs etc.

It did upset me a bit at first - the thought of my baby not having my surname, especially because ive always wanted a little family but at the end of the day ill always be my little boys mummy and no one can contest that no matter what his surname is!

I took my dads name and ive met him only a handful of times in my life so its not meant anything to me. I think in this day and age for a couple to be secure, happy and in love is the most important thing x

 

[Binzy]

My husband and I got married in the registry office in very catholic Italy! Lots of my OH's family looked down on us chosing a 15 minute ceremony instead of the church do but neither of us is religious nor do we attend church and we didn't want to start our married life off by promising things we clearly would keep to! In Italy women don't take their husband's surname so my son will have a different name to me.
We lived together for 6 years before we got married and it just felt right although frankly the large mortgage we took out together 5 years before was one of the biggest committments we made to each other!
I can completley understand where you are coming from but there are so many alternatives out there to the big church wedding, maybe you just need to show your OH the options?

 

[star fish]

Hmmm, what a complex issue, in fact several issues isn't it.

Ok, I'm a fan of marriage, I didnt think it would change things as we'd already been together 8 years, but it did. It made it better. More solid and commited somehow. Just knowing we are legally tied together and its really hard to break (cleanly) and also that we stood there and did it in front of all our friends and family.

On the other hand, its been nearly 3 years now and i still havent gotten around to changing my name. Though I definitely will before the baby is born.

I think that is your main concern? I dont think it matters how long your name is, I think you should use both. Not double barreled (hyphenating is really naff) but use one like a second middle name and then the other. Use as the last one whichever you want your baby to use in every day life. But use both, because your baby is half of both of you, it isnt more yours just because you arent married.

E.G. If your surname is Johnson and his is Smith, and you have a girl called Megan, with Sophie as a middle name.

Megan Sophie Johnson Smith - would be simply Megan Smith most of the time. Or use yours last if you prefer and she would be Megan Johnson most of the time. But on all official documents both your surnames are there. She is both of your child and I think that's kind of nice. I'm even considering using my maiden name as a middle name anyway so it isnt lost when i change to his name

 

[Olive]

Thanks girls. I didn't realise there were a few more replies Thanks for your opinions.

xxxxx