kids dad

[Layla]

hi guys,

hope you dont mind me putting this in here.

i really need your views on a situation i have found myself in today, me and Jase have talked about it, but im still very unsure of what to do...


Charlie and Ethan are my kids from my first marriage, Jase is not there real dad, altho he has been a much better dad to them than there real one.

there real dad sees them on fridays from 4pm till 7 or 8pm and thats it! he has been like this for a year now.

today i find out that he has been with a girl for a few months and being a dad to her two kids!
on sunday he was meant to come round to fix some lights up for me and see our kids, he text me saying he was working, but i found out today he took his new girlfriend and her two girls to the park for the day.

now im very mad coz altho i think its great hes found someone and happy, i dont like the way he is playing dad to someone elses kids when he hardly sees his own, i dont think its fair.
i have had this out with him tonight and he swears it wont affect our kids, but it already has in my eyes, he sees his new partners kids a hell of a lot more than he bothers with his own.

so me and jase were talking and he thinks i should ask him to have charlie and ethan more each week, or every other weekend, something like that anyway, we would have to work it out between us.

do you think thats ok? i dont want to push him to have them if he doesnt want to, i also dont want to cause prob between him and his new partner.

its such a hard situation, im very mad but at the same time i dont want to rock the boat.

thoughts please!!


xxxx

 

[lauramumof2]

your kids should come first and the new girlfriend and her kids 2nd.
There is no two ways about it. Would you be happy with his new girlfriend seing your 2 kids or would you want them separate?

 

[Vicky]

Up to you Layla and its a tough one and to see if the kids are comfortable with that situation and what you think is best for the kids.

From Imi and Vicky

 

[Dreamer]

Tbh i wouldnt push for more time, coz on some level it will separate them from your new baby, if you get what i mean :

If he doesnt wanna spend as much time with your kids thats his loss, they have a father in your new partner.

Im sorry that you have been put in this situation hun

 

[Kim]

As far as I see it, he should see them because he wants to, not because he has been pushed into it.

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

its hi loss if he dont want to see his kids that much, as u sed jase has been better to them so, i think they are ok if there dad wants to see them more then fine but its not like there missing out with a mum and step dad like u n jase

 

[BubbleOne]

Do you mind me asking when your ex partner stopped living with you and the kids?

Has he decreased how much time he spends with your children since he got with his new partner?
If he hasn't then I wouldn't expect him to see more of them on the basis that he is with a woman who has 2 children.

But if you feel generally that he should see more of Ethan and Charlie and they want to see more of him then there is no harm in discussing it.

Situations like this are so common but still so complicated as you want the best for everyone.

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

Well i think he shuld wanna see them him self, but maybe asking your kids if tehy wanna see him more and if they do tehn talkto him if tehy dont mind the one day a week then dont , Jase obviously does a good job with them as being there dad, so i wouldnt worry too much.
I hope it all turns out okay .
Katrinaxxx

 

[hearts81]

Hiya my OH's sister had the same problem a few years back, he was always cancelling his visits etc. So she suggested every other weekend for them to stop at his. He became arsey though and demanded them every weekend so she went to court and he ended up getting every other weekend from fri till sun.

(I'm not suggesting go to court though lol)

Every other weekend works out fine for Jolene and the kids so maybs that'd be good for you and your family

 

Like everyone has said, this is a real tough one, and something \i have very little experience of in my own immediate family.

I think (although I don't know for sure coz I haven't been where you are) I would leave things as they are unless the kids have asked to see more of their dad. It must hurt knowing that your ex husband see's more of his new girlfriends kids, but there isn't alot that can be done to stop him doing it. There is no excuse for what he is doing, but ultimately it is him who is pushing himself out of Charlie and Ethan's lives slowly. Your children have Jase as their father figure now, and if they are happy with that then leaves things as they are. They will work out in their own minds whether to be cross with him for not seeing them so much when they are older.

Hope things work out for you hun. xxx

 

[Layla]

hi guys,

yeah i sort of agree, in my eyes he is a waste of space and jase does a fantastic job with them.

the story is... he used to have the kids every weekend in teh days and every other weekend over night too. then he met a girl and she didnt like that he had kids so he came round one day and told them to there face that he didnt love them anymore and didnt want to see them anymore.

he left there lifes for over a year. then he spilt with this girl and i was happy with jase so he came back and wanted to be in there lifes again.

we both agreed to try a few hours a week untill they had got used to them again, and then we would increse the vists/stays. that was a year ago and he has made no effort to increse them or see them more.

im pleased that he is with osmeone coz despite what a Shit he is, he does desrive to be happy but im annoyed about sunday, the kids were waiting for him to come over and after i find out hes playing dad to his new partners girls.

i just didnt want our kids pushed aside so he can play happy familes with someone elses. id rather it was egual, they all go out for days out or something, get to know the new girlfriend and the children, he clearly doesnt see it this way tho.

so i think your prob right, they have jase tho is a better dad than they could have hoped for, and they have me and now a new brother so maybe i will just leave things as they are.

im just stubbon i think! i want teh best for my kids

 

[Urchin]

I would ask your kids what they want to do. Maybe they don't want to see him more.
If you ask him to have more time that is also just more times he can let them down. As long as he looks after them financially I wouldn't push for more unless your kids want it.

The other woman's kids are bound to get more of him time, unfortunalty that's what happens, I have a step-dad he was a much better dad to me than he was to his own kids I'm sorry to say

 

[Amanda]

Hmm, very difficult Layla. I've sort of been there and not sure I handled it right.

I split from Kayleigh's Dad when she was about 3. He immediately quit his job so he did not have to pay maintenance. He has a disability which affects his spine, but he was working fine when we were together. He got himself registered disabled so he wouldn't have to pay anything towards the upkeep of our daughter. He originally had her every other weekend, but one Saturday I turned up to drop her off and he was in bed drunk. This was 11am and he had been drinking all night. I then ceased all contact with him.

When Kayleigh was about 5 and at school, I couldn't afford to pay for childcare in the school holidays so contacted his parents (Kayleigh's grandparents) to ask if they could help out by having her in the hols. Unknown to me, Kayleigh's Dad had moved back home. Because he wasn't working, we came to agreement that he would have her every school holiday. It worked for a while, but he has a bad habit of backing out at the last minute with no good reason. He often makes excuses for not having her and I then have to fork out money which I can't afford, or take precious holiday from work. Or try to force him to have her. No parent should have to be forced into looking after their own child, they should want to.

Anyway, now she's almost 13 and DH is more of a Dad to her then he is. She's currently at her Dad's for Easter, and hates it there. I feel awful for sending her. She has told me that she won't be going back there after this summer. So I won't be forcing her. She's now old enough to make her own decisions. He never rings her, she is the one who always rings him. He takes no interest in her whatsoever. Oh, and all this started about 4 years ago when he met his current wife!! It started with the odd "I can't have her this weekend", then got more and more. And now she hardly sees him. The funny thing is that his wife has 3 grown-up kids, the youngest 2 (18 and 20) live with them, the 20 year old has a 6 month old son, and the 18 year old is pregnant! He takes more interest in them than his own kids. He has a 17 year old daughter who lives 4 miles away from him and he hasn't spoke to her for a year. I spoke to her last night as I want her and Kayleigh to always be sisters.

Blimey I've waffled!!! Ulitmately Layla, I don't want to tar your ex with the same brush as mine, but I'm just worried that I've seen this cycle, and don't want your kids to go through the heartbreak that mine has. Wait until one of yours asks the question "Mum, why does Dad love ****'s kids more than his own?". Your heart will break.

Good luck with making a decision, and remember that you can always change that if it is not working out.

 

[hearts81]

then he met a girl and she didnt like that he had kids so he came round one day and told them to there face that he didnt love them anymore and didnt want to see them anymore.

OMG cant believe he said that to them. I dont think i would even let him back in my kids' life if he was my ex!

My dad left us when i was 10 and i only missed him for a few months.He's never bothered with me and bruv since although i've seen him about town. I'm happy without him. He has remarried and had more kids too. If your kids are happy with just you and Jase then you maybe better weaning your ex out of their lives to avoid them more disappointments. Soz that sounds harsh though doesn't it.

 

[hels]

its a really tough one hun. On a positive he has seen them regularly on a friday, you cant really do much in that little bit of time tho hey?
It may have been a one off not seeing them last week, and who knows this woman may turn out to be a positive influence on him.
My OH has a 6 year old, and every friday he travels a 3 hour round trip to pick him up, and he stays with us until sunday evening when he travels another 3 hours to take him back. It is a situation i excepted when i got together with OH, and we love having him every weekend, especially now he has a little sister! It is a shame your ex doesnt seem to want to spend QT with his kids. I totally admire you even letting him see them at all after he walked out of their lives. That takes a lot hun. Hope you sort the situ out soon....poor jase, it must be tough on him too. xx

 

[Kim]

My OH's son's 'mother' told him to his face she didn't want to see him any more because he is too naughty (behaviour problems caused by her abandoning him at 3 years of age). Anyway, this was over 5 years ago and she hasn't asked for contact since

 

[Layla]

turns out i didnt have to do anything....

he came over last night to finaly fix my lights up in teh new house and while he was there he mentioned his new partner and kids and wanted to know how i felt about it. I told him i am really happy he was found someone and can be happy, but i was just wporried that our kids would come second to hers.

he said that would never happen and before i had teh chance to ask if he wanted to see them more, he asked if he could take them on days out with his new partner and her kids.

great!!!

all worked out well, everyone is happy

 

[hels]

Thats great Layla, she may well have a positive influence on him. So happy for the kids. x

 

[Urchin]

turns out i didnt have to do anything....

he came over last night to finaly fix my lights up in teh new house and while he was there he mentioned his new partner and kids and wanted to know how i felt about it. I told him i am really happy he was found someone and can be happy, but i was just wporried that our kids would come second to hers.

he said that would never happen and before i had teh chance to ask if he wanted to see them more, he asked if he could take them on days out with his new partner and her kids.

great!!!

all worked out well, everyone is happy

YAY Layle that's excellent news.....Let us know how the kids get on!