Just venting (but currently in 1st trimester)

[Noor~ul~Usman]

I wasn't sure where to put this but seeing as how I'm only in the first trimester I thought the other ladies in here would be sharing the same high hormone levels and emotions as me

We'll to start with I'd just like to point out that I'm not cussing my beliefs I just feel a bit stretched and apprehensive at the moment cause I'm always feeling down lately.

Me and my husband are actually muslim, but I've been a normal western girl nearly all my life I only changed around 2years ago.... so sometimes I feel it's helpful to just chat to other people who only have their own moral values to guide them.

We'll I've been reading about all you poor ladies who's fellas have left you or asked for abortions...and man am I pleased that this kind of thing isn't allowed to happen to us and is something I'll never have to worry about When you get married that's it...it's for life! Divorce is a very serious business so you only do it if you can honestly say you'd rather be dead than with them. And there's no "boom-boom" allowed before marriage so all kids are garunteed a family to be part of.

But then the rest of what you've been saying...about partners doing 50/50 has been getting to me lately. I was already feeling down it's just extra...
You see the deal is the guy deals with providing the house and all the household finances, so the woman can stay at home and look after everything to do with the inside of the house. The men often do 2 jobs back to back over here to pay the extorionate costs of living, so they are really tired and need to know their wives have a nice clean house and some good food to go home to when they finally get off work. The woman is perfetly capble of working herself too but this is on the grounds that she can still find time to do the work at home. (There's multiple reasons for this but turst me it's about protecting their wives and if everyones wife in an area doesn't work then they pretty much chill out together all day long with friends lol)

But when it comes to child raising it's all the womans responsability...
And that'd be fine in a normal family situation, cause when they get married the woman moves in with the guy and his family, so grandma and grandpa are living with you already while hubbies out at work and you might have other brother and sister in laws as well (that'll explain to a few of you why the houses are so full! LOL!! ) so basically all the women living with you will give you a hand.
But in our case it's just the two of us in laws are all abroad and neither of us can stand my mum to go and live next to her down south.

So what's dounting me at the moment is that I'm gona have to cook and clean and raise a baby practically all by myself while my husbands out working double shifts to look after us and i only have one best mate in the area who was recently in the same situation as me but now her in laws have made friends and offer to take the kids every now and then so she can get stuff done.

Personally I feel she's a stronger person than me as well and I just have no idea how I'm going to be 'superwoman' and do all this. I'm only in my 1st trimester and I'm dying from back ache and tiredness as it is.

 

[Ellied]

I am half cast so understand the culture very well. I think regardless of your background it is normal to have these kind of thoughts. I know i do and lots of the other mums to be here do too.

Although you don't have parents living with you i imagine that you will have other relatives near. The thing with a Muslim family is that everyone becomes and aunt and uncle to the baby. You will settle into a routine and everything will fall into place.

Try not to worry. From what i know of the Muslim culture/family you will have more support then the average white person in the uk. Asians and The Irish are very similar with the whole extended family approach to a baby.

If you ever need me you know where to contact me

 

[libs]

Well I was interested in reading your post, and as for your concerns - I think every new mum worries about coping alone, but I'm sure that you'll adapt when the baby comes. Also join Mother and baby groups and find peer support. My husband also works long hours and does a small weekend job as well - he'll probably go back to working 6 days a week at least at his ft job when I have to give up work as most of my pay comes from being self employed. But lots of the mums on here do all of this alone - think of the wives of servicemen (my family is military although not myself or my husband) who don't even see their partner through the pregnancy or for months afterwards - I have the greatest respect for my sister in law who has a baby and a toddler and works part time - my brother won't be home till November.
Can I just take you up on one point though. I'm glad your marriage is happy - as are many non muslim marriages. However - bad marriages exist just as much in Muslim communities as elsewhere. My father lives in a muslim country and is now divorced from his muslim wife - at his wife's instigation. Many of his friends are also divorced or have had unhappy marriages. It's the people not the religion. I would also never worry about my husband leaving me or asking me to get an abortion. I would also expect to do all the housework etc when I'm not working fulltime - as I do at present.

 

[enn]

i was interested to read your post and i understand everything but cant u do some at a time in a day. like do some then rest do more then rest or do u have to work non stop like your hubby?

bear in mind your carrying a child and in first trimester so u gotta be careful with lifting especially.if u could do it in stages each day ,like have rests im sure it may ease your back abit more

btw some peope beleive in abortion and some dont, i for one dont and would never do it but i dont wanna start a row. i know a couple who had an abortion in 05 and i was gutted cause i lost my baby and hated them for a while but still talked to them as i had to work with one of them but it was their choice considering circumstances.

my partner wants to get married but its finding the right time to do so as we got our lil one to be born on 2nd aug. i dont want church wedding so were gonna go for reg office

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies.

Sadly all hubbies family are abroad bar some distant uncles in scotland who have (very sadly) been disowned after some seriously bad conduct in the past.....so I do really fear that our kid's gona miss out

We litterally both have one best friend over here and each other and thats it. My family are all further down south and non of them speak to each other *sigh* so no family meet ups.

Mother and baby groups sound like a great idea..just need to find some

Oh and I fully appreciate that it's all down to individual people...but thankfully our mates have always been those with good manners and would never dream of breaking the rules by doing something bad like (for instance) walking out on a family. Have a sly drink maybe once in a blue moon but never something that would hurt someone else. So I get quite a positive out look on things most of the time in that respect But yea there are gits everywhere and in every form and sadly there always will be Just remember the rest of their society will probably want to disown them as well if they knew what they did!
That's why I said though that it's nice to speak to people sometimes who just have common sense and good morrals I've started talking to a lady at work lately who is actually some form of christian or another (sorry I really duno which one! ) and it's quite refreshing!

 

[libs]

When you start your postnatal classes too - you'll end up making friends there who can carry onto mother and baby with you sometimes - so you'll have support there before the baby is even born - and they'll all be worrying just like you that they won't cope, so you'll feel more confident that it's every mum who feels this way

 

[mayday]

Hi Noor,
definitely join some 'mum and bump' groups. I went to an NCT one on Tuesday, they have only just started up in our area which is why I have left it to this late stage to start going to them . You can be at any stage of your pregnancy to go to them. Also make sure you sign up for as many ante-natal classes as possible. In my case I took my husband to them because he wants to be invoved in the birth and afterwards as much as possible, but in your case I think it would really help you if you left hubby at home and went by yourself so that you would have more incentive to meet with and chat to other mums-to-be.

I appreciate you and your husband have embraced the Muslim way of life, but you have been brought up with experience of the Western way of doing things too - and will probably realise that many western women have moved away from their families because on university, jobs, etc. Not as far away as yours are maybe, but still far enough away that they can't just call their mum for help and get it 2 minutes later. There are many support groups that exist because there isn't the family help that women used to have easy access to any more. Have you had a look to see if there are any Muslim mum groups in your area? If not, why don't you investigate setting one up yourself? At the moment you will probably be feeling exhausted, but around about week 12-16 you will start to feel better and may have the enthusiasm to think about this. There will no doubt be many other Muslim women out there who have their family abroad and are feeling left out because of it who would like a place to go for company and support while their husbands are out at work.

Finally - there is light at the end of the tunnel! I felt exhausted all the time in tri 1, normal but fatter in tri 2, and now in tri 3 I cannot move very fast and my feet are swollen and I am out of breath all the time, but I still don't have the same feeling of 'must sleep now!' that I had all the way through tri 1.

Hope you find a way of making your pregancy work for you,
Mayday.