i'm sad

[purple13]

i don't feel welcome at my bf cafe any more

it was invaluable when connor was little and the group leader was a great help in keeping me bf-ing; it was wonderful to be surrounded by other mums who had struggled but made it through.

apart from the good friends that i've made there, i've kept going so that i can offer advice and support to new mums, just the same as those mums who helped me. but now i've been made to feel unwelcome by the group leader and i feel really sad.

the story's a bit long and protracted, but i need to get it off my chest... our leader was off for 2 weeks and a young HV took the group (dispensing advice like "cut out the milk feeds to get him to eat more solids" to one mum with a 7 month old ).

anyway, our leader came back on monday and at the end of the session, she made a comment about how 'someone' (implying higher management) had complained about older babies being at the group, and were they still breastfeeding? then apparently the same 'someone' said that the older babies are intimidating the younger babies i've taken this really personally as connor is the only really mobile baby at the group - he cruises around the room using people's legs and giving them big flirty smiles. i'm horrified to think that anyone could find him intimidating he's a baby FFS. our leader also made a comment about meeting targets, which made me feel like i'm taking up someone's place that could be used by a new mum; its a busy group, but there's never a queue out of the door, and i would certainly leave and make space if that was the case. and why shouldn't targets include mums breastfeeding older babies??

i've kept going as i (stupidly) thought it was good to have older mums at the group who are extolling extended breastfeeding and who can help mums having a crappy time at the start. but it seems that's not the case. i'm starting to doubt whether its really 'someone' who has said these things, or whether the group leader just doesn't want me there any more; she recommends parenting styles that i don't personally use, but i've never disagreed with her - i don't tell anyone how i bring my baby up, i don't openly dispute her advice, but i don't back her up either and i guess she realises that my opinions differ from hers just because of that.

whatever and whoever it is with the problem, the upshot is the same, that i don't feel welcome at a group that was my haven in the early days of being a mummy. and that makes me sad.

i don't expect replies BTW. just needed to get this off my chest. thanks

 

[NickyB]

I can't speak for the pathetic people that run that group, who are obviously intimidated by you knowing more than them or something, but I know that as a new breastfeeder, you want to talk to everyone about their experiences, so I'm sure you won't have upset other mothers there.

 

[mummykay]

Connor is GORGEOUS, not intimidating - stupid troll

Dont feel crap Suz, ur raisin him fine and theyre the ones with the problem, not u

 

[clarey]

Aww hun, that IS sad, I cant believe they would be so unwelcoming as you say, I would have thought you would be inspiring to new mums and as for Connor being intimidating???? How ridiculous!

I think I would feel the same and cut my losses too, hang on to the friends you have made and maybe find a toddler group to go to instead? And save your invaluable advice and sympathies for those of us in here that do value it

 

[charlie84]

Aww how horrible for you hun.

I think its awful that you feel you are no longer welcome there. Have you got any other breastfeeding groups in your area like the La Leche League, i found them to be much more open minded when feeding older babies/children.

 

[beanie]

That is absolutely disgusting and goes against what a breastfeeding cafe is all about. I agree with the LLL, they are miles more open minded

 

[Squiglet]

aww thats so sad.... You have done amazingly well too... No one should have made you feel like that. I have loads of people telling me to quit breastfeeding or that bfing an older baby should basically be done in secret and it makes all those achievements you have made in bfing seem worthless... its not fair and its not right

 

[babynumbertwo]

I would feel sad too - and angry! At our group you are welcome even if you've stopped breastfeeding. The idea being that you have lots of experience to pass on to those who are struggling. Could you ask about attending as a support worker / peer counsellor - there are courses you can do to become one.

 

[Charlie:-)]

Thats really sad. I go to a baby cafe and theres lots of older babies who are still breastfed, even the NCT support lady has a toddler who she takes and is still breastfed. There are even some mums who bring their baby and their toddler. I think its lovely to have mixed ages and in no way do I think its intimidating. Dont let this woman put you off, I would continue to go and carry on giving your support like you have been and ignore what has been said.

Is there anyone else with a baby who is close to Connors age?

Also I agree with babynumbertwo could you become a peer support worker, I know there's a few at my group who are doing the training now. Maybe you could speak to the leader or another of the workers about doing the training so you can continue to give your help.

 

[MagicMarkers]

Aw hun bloody ungrateful so n so ! Sounds like your an amazing asset to the group and you being there with connor will encourage mums to extended breastfeed i should think ! Seeing the one mummy who does it in the group ostrasised (sp?!) isnt exactly helpful to the cause is it !
Bless ya hope you get on better with the groups or courses evreryone suggested

 

[mrs_tommo22]

That is awful and id say as a current breastfeeding mum who has some experience now you should be there, dont be upset by it!

Keep going and balls to the team leader

 

[MagicMarkers]

I had an idea for ya, what about Mutiny ?

 

[happy-chick]

Thats awful, surely they can see that you are there because you would like to help others as you were in their position not so long ago I would speak to the leader and ask if the comments that she made were aimed at you, if you says yes then I would challenge her as to why she see's that other people have more of a right to be at that support group, its for breastfeeding mothers and you fit that criteria regardless of how old your baby is

You've done amazingly well & you should be so proud, dont let her make u feel down about things cow bag!!!

 

[Penstraze]

That is a real shame I enjoyed BF group before they moved it further away and there were older babies there they actually moved it to a bigger hall sdo the older babies had more room to play, they also do another group especially for mums breast feeding older babies, if numbers are tight and older babies are some how imtimidating why not start up your own group for women breast feeding older babies so you can suport and encourage each other without feeling unwanted!

 

[purple13]

thanks everyone

one of the mums that i go with was outraged on my behalf, and called the leader to have an angry rant! the leader is apparently upset that she's upset me, and has apparently only been following orders from above. there's stuff that doesn't add up though - like the complaints about the intimidating baby were made "ages ago" and seeing as we've been going for 9.5 months and connor's the only baby who's ever been crawling, it still could only apply to us. and if the complaints were made before 9.5 months ago, why say anything now?! and noone 'above' has ever had anything to do with the bf cafe (not that i've ever seen anyway) so how would they know to say all these things?

i just can't get past the 'intimidating' comment. i look at my gorgeous little boy and feel so angry that anyone could use that word to describe him

anyway, the leader was supposed to be calling me about it, but she hasn't. silence is speaking volumes thus far.

all the bf cafe girls meet for lunch on a monday anyway (i helped to instigate this) and we've just started meeting for coffee on a friday (again, i've helped instigate this) so i guess i'll just stick to the meetings outside of the group.

my new year's resolution is to become a breast feeding peer support worker - at least that way i can still help people. and i'll keep going to our local LLL meetings too, connor loved playing with all the older babies at the last one i went to - they're only once a month though...

thanks for all your lovely comments everyone, you've made me feel LOADS better

 

[keli]

Glad your feeling better about it all I def think the team leader knows you know more than her and isn't happy with it. I'd go mad at the intimidating comment thats really out of order! It's great you will still see all the friends you've made in the class and with one of them ringing the team leader up its obvious she's the only one with the probelm. I think you'd be great as a support worker, i find your replies to threads really helpful and i'm sure you can help a lot of people. Good luck with it all.