I don't know what to say here, i need to unload..

[candymycandy]

So, I lost my little bean on Saturday. I only was only 5 weeks and only knew about he was there for about 10 days. I think it may have been the worst day i've ever had. My husband has been great. He's been trying to be strong for me i think and not really talking a lot about it. But the other night he actually cried with me which was a relief. Luckily my sister happened to be visiting (i live far from my family) so i had her too and she's been really good too. I had to speak to work to tell them and my favourite insensitive comment so far was "these things happen for a reason". I know its tough to know what to say but surely people should know not what to say! I likened it to if a person you know died, you'd never dream of saying "these things happen for a reason" would you?! To me there is no difference whether its an adult or an unborn baby.

I think one of the hardest things is feeling the need to make other people feel comfortable, which I shouldn't be doing. In life i generally don't share my feelings because i don't like any awkward exchanges. I've tried to open up with my m-i-law as i she wants me to talk but when i tried it today she didn't really say anything in response (this was on text mind you, but its the only way i can communicate with most people so far). So now i'll probably go back to just saying i'm fine as its easier.

Sorry about this essay. I was on the forum last week when i found out and had the usual worries. And its horrible to be back on here talking like this but i know the only people that can empathise are here, although i know that everyone's feelings are different and we all deal with this in different ways.

I didn't imagine feeling like this, but after such a short time i was completely in love with my teeny tiny baby. i'm trying not to feel stupid saying that, as it was only the size of a sesame seed but it doesn't matter how small they were right???

 

[wifeywifey]

You shouldn't feel stupid hun my mc was one of the hardest things if been through. I hate the these things happen for a reason comment it's not helpful at all. I still get upset now 4 months on but it's easier. I have a scar on my wrist from when I had the surgery and will be there for a long time, I take comfort in this as daft as it sounds but it's all I have left if that makes sense. Maybe do something in babies memory, a soft toy, jewellery something that you can keep it might be of comfort to you.

 

[MrsHttc]

I'm so sorry for your loss...I had a mc at 5 weeks last year, and it hit me really hard too. Give yourself time to grieve, and if you don't want to talk to ppl about it, then don't, I think it's a very private thing and know one knows how your feeling but you.
I agree with wifey about having something in their memory. I felt guilty that I didn't have anything to remember and I so I got a charm for my pandora bracelet. It's angels wings with a pearl hanging from it. It's only something small, and only I know what it's for, but it's helped me get through and also think of that little angel every time I look at it.

I really hope your feeling better soon. Big big hugs xxx

 

[megsmeadow]

I don't think it makes a difference how far on you are, it's a loss, and a big one at that. I've been asked so many times how are you? Well who really wants to know?! there will be so many unhelpful statements but people don't know what you've gone through until they've trodden a similar path. A day at a time, and there's nothing wrong with a good cry, or a good scream (I did, in my car!). Take care

 

[Selina13]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My first mc really hit me hard and I ended up leaving my job due to the nature (child protection). It was the best thing to do as I started to resent how people who didn't give a shit got pregnant easily and baby was healthy yet they didn't really properly care for the kids or abused them.
I keep a box with my notes, scans, cards I received after, preg tests, bounty pack and my wrist bracelet from the op to remember that I was pregnant!
I also have 2 coloured beads on my pandora to keep my babies with me always.
It's important to be able to let greeving happen. It took a while for me and I vowed that I never wanted to be pregnant ever again and bloody meant it, I soon settled and started to feel better.
It takes time and I got pregnant again but had another miscarriage unfortunately.
Anyway I know how you feel and it's awful, time is a healer but maybe you need to get something tangible that you can keep close or go and look at.
My hubby hasn't really been involved with my memory box- I needed it for me!
Take care and I hope you start to feel better soon.
I found out that I not preg this month after trying again and it's so hard.
Xxx

 

[Rose83]

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I know exactly how you feel as both my miscarriages were at a couple of days past 5 weeks and I was totally attached to them already. I couldn't make anyone else understand that I knew when they were gone, that there was an empty feeling where I felt they had been growing. For something so tiny people refuse to admit that you could have known anything different was going on but those are the people who haven't had to go through it. I had insensitive comments, my own mother was was the worst and just could not relate to me at all. It is now about 6 weeks since my second miscarriage and a male work colleague asked me today whether I would be trying again, when I replied yes he asked whether I thought it would be better to wait until I was married. Now I know some people are traditional but he doesn't strike me as that type and I just thought it was an odd way to approach a subject you know could upset the person. Fortunately I've just learnt how to let these things wash over me but you do seem to have to be prepared for some people to just say the silliest things to you. You are quite right, you'd never say to someone 'well next time I'm sure it will all be fine' if a relative had died. You don't want to be thinking about a next time you want that baby, you don't want to forget that child. Another work colleague who spoke to me because she had had a missed m/c was probably the best person I spoke to because she understood how I felt. But she also passed on something her mother had said to her, which although brutally honest did kind of help me think about the future. She said that unfortunately for us the perfect straightforward pregnancy we had always imagined we would have was never going to happen now and we had to let go of that dream. Because yes we can and probably will have a straightforward pregnancy one day but we will always remember our lost ones, we will worry for a lot if not all of the time we are pregnant in future because of what has happened to us and somehow we have to come to terms with that. We'll get to have the dream of our perfect take home baby but we'll never forget the grief we feel for the ones we didnt take home, no matter how tiny they were. We made a human life and no one, absolutely no one, gets to take that away from us or belittle it with insensitive comments.

I hope you're family are looking after you and you are taking time to rest xx

 

[candymycandy]

Thank you every one for your kind words and great advice. I'm so sorry for all your losses as well. It's a strange comfort to know and be able to communicate with those going through the same thing. Rose I'm so sorry your colleague said that to you, I can't comprehend what goes on in people's heads before they say these things.

I've had a couple of days of being a bit numb. Then today my husband has gone back to work. I listened to that song Small Bump which i had been avoiding and cried my eyes out. Which I think I needed to do. To top it off I got a massive chip in ine of my teeth today as well which set me off again. I've had a run of bad things happen and the last thing I need is problems with my teeth!

I've also realised I don't have any true friends which is really sad. One I used to consider my best friend doesn't even know. She stopped putting any effort in this time last year. If I don't call her it's rare that we speak. I was desperate for her to text me or something so I could tell her, but nothing. I have a few friends at work that text me when it happened, but have only had a text from one of them since. Luckily my family have been quite good as has my husband.

I am struggling to see how it will ever get better xx

 

[Rose83]

I found that I had people who were way better friends that those I had considered my closest friends. The girl who I had at one time told everything to moved to the other end of the country a few years ago so she had text me just before Christmas to ask for my new address for sending a card and asked how I was. When I told her the truth, that I had miscarried two days previously not only did she not reply at all but she also didnt send me a Christmas card. That really hurt. Even if you don't know what to say to someone you don't say nothing at all! She still hasn't contacted me. Fortunately I have some other great people around me. I think in the end though the most important thing is that your partner is there for you. Hope you are doing ok x

 

[gemloulau]

.

 

[gemloulau]

Sorry - I posted what I thought was a new thread above. Been a while since I used the forum.

So sorry to hear of your news, stay strong and never lose hope xxxx

 

[sunflower85]

So sorry for your loss I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you are feeling. I miscarried on the 7th of December at 7 weeks and it was awful. Apart from my OH I hadn't announced the pregnancy, but I had to tell my boss as I needed a fair bit of time out of the office to go to the hospital to get my bloods done etc. She was really understanding. It's so hard and I get reminders all the time, like emails coming through for baby stuff I'd signed up for. I confided in two friends and they said all the 'right' things, but they can't sympathise...