Husbands Family - advice needed!!!

[Tw1nkle]

Reading this board makes me feel like i'm not alone - so thank you!!

Basically my husband always defends his family over anyone - including me - the now mother of his child!

His Sister keeps buying things with 'Daddy's Girl', and ' i love my daddy' on it for our DD - never anything with mommy on it - I have mentioned this to my husband, and he says i'm overacting!!

Over DD is only 5 weeks old, but since we've been home the MIL has rang EVERYDAY - for no real reason other than to ask how everything is going! I have also mentioned this to my husband - who again says that i should invite her over, or that i'm over reacting again!

I don't want to keep inviting people over - if i invite her, i have to invite others - I'm not prepared to have any favouritisim!

I think it should be up to him to support me, and have a 'quiet word' with them - he doesn't need to be nasty, just to point it out.

Am I being unreasonable, or over-acting????
What shall i do?

 

[Quill]

I don't think you're overreacting. Having a baby is a BIG change for a woman, and your little one is only 5 weeks old, so you're still getting used to all the changes, plus you're probably tired and the hormones are still having to balance out.

Is your MIL a first-time grandma? I had some problems with my MIL being too overexcited and it was difficult for awhile. Is it possible to ask your MIL to email you instead? That way she doesn't risk waking you/baby up if you're sleeping or disturbing you in the middle of something, and gives you some leeway in responding.

I have to admit I was a little bit jealous about my husband putting the baby's picture as a background for his phone, replacing my picture so I can see why your SIL getting "daddy's girl" stuff might make you feel left out. I eventually had a little talk with my husband, told him how I felt, said that the baby blues were getting me down, and it was a big weight off my chest. He realized how the hormones were affecting me and gave me more support.

I just wanted to say also, that there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate my MIL a lot more now, and her once-a-week visits don't grate on me anymore, she's not over the top as she once was, and she's stopped pressuring me into going places. Also is nice to have a few hours to let her play with her grandson and let me get a little bit of time for myself.

BUT.... I was NOT ready for this kind of thing until about a month ago. It really took me a good 3 months or so to kind of "settle down" after the birth, get used to all the changing relationship stuff, etc. Now I feel that MIL respects my role in things, I respect her role in things, and most importantly I'm a lot more confident. I didn't have that type of confidence when Eli was 5 weeks old, it took time to develop, and my family needed to help me get it.

Hope your situation begins to settle down soon. Don't worry about posting more rants on here... goodness knows I ranted about my situation a lot! The ladies on this board are marvelous for support, too

 

[cez8457]

Aww hun

I dont think you are over reacting

The first few weeks are really hard after having a baby, i use to speak to my MIL to be, once every two weeks while pregnant and when i had the baby, she phoned everyday. This lasted a few weeks and then it dropped to every other day and know its about twice a week, so hopefully it will die down, and she'll phone less soon.

When i think about it my sister bought alot of stuff for me saying mammys princess , and i love mammy on etc. But because i thought OH would be left out i bought some stuff for him to, stuff like daddys little girl.

Things should get better hun. My OH always takes his families side of things, and takes either advice over mine, it something that i really hate i think, kyla and i should come first to him now.

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

Awww hun have some hugs

I think your hormones still being up in the air will be a good portion of why you feel like that.
I can kind of understand what your SIL is doing though. The gifts are obviously given with her brother in mind...because she probably had the stronger bond with him....which is perfectly normal. It's hard to see someones partner in exactly the same light as them if you've known them for years and have a close bond. She should maybe consider evening it out a bit more but I'm guessing that it just hasn't dawned on her that you'll be sensetive about the motifs and she's just thinking that you'll see she cares by buying clothes
(I could be wrong but I assume that's what's probably happening)

I tried to avoid the whole thing by only getting 1 top with that kind of stuff on it and it actually says '50% daddy 50% mummy'
He has some 2nd hand 'i love my daddy' socks but they don't bother me

Your hubby should mention it though if it's getting you down. He doesn't even need to says that its not very fair. He could just mention that you have lots of them now and you both think that the next lot of clothes should have a bit more variety

 

[mommybing]

..I guess that's pretty normal. IL have this 'thing' on babies.. and eventually it will die down a little(as the baby grows).
Also, I do agree with your husband. Even I would defend my family. It's just maybe you need a serious talk about these things..make each point clearly.

 

[minxie]

You posted this a while back. I hope your problems have gone away. I am just replying as your post struck a chord in me.

I can understand what you are saying and feelings totally..but sometimes it helps just to sit back for 5 minutes and see things from the other side perhaps. Im playing Devil's Advocate here as I find this helps when solving family problems sometimes. We get so frustrated with family members at times and can lose sight of the reasons why they do/say certain things. They sometimes are not acting out of malice or selfishness.

Of course, at the end of the day, you know how you feel ..but perhaps its worth considering..

1) DH's sister's bond is naturally with her brother... she probabaly feels elated that her brother is a dad (hence all the daddy's girl gifts) or wants to make her brother feel special. Its your child...do you really need other people to affirm her belonging to you? You created her, carried her, gave birth to her and you are raising her...that will always be special. You will find so many ways of letting your precious girl know she is mummy's (and daddy's) girl too.

2) if MIL is ringing everyday, try and understand perhaps that she may be just acting out of love/care. It may be annoying. But if she does not mean malice or is trying to be a control freak/undermine you, all she is probabaly trying to do is be involved in the new child's life. A child brings families together. She is proud her son has a daughter, she is probabaly reminded of her memories of having children, she feels love for her grandchild...she just wants to be involved and wants to know all is ok. That's fair isn't it?

You DH probabaly feels like he is stuck in the middle here...loyal to his family who he loves and of course trying to keep his wife happy as it is his duty to do so. These kind of triangle situations are often quite difficult to resolve if people always view things as 'me vs them'.

If they really aren't THAT bad..if they really are not horrible, nasty, malicious people...maybe its worth learning to tolerate that they will be a part of your DH's, your daughter's and your lives and that they have ways that annoy you but you just can't change them. Maybe this means you giving more, in terms of understanding,tolerance and consideration, than they would ever give you.

However I don't know your MIL and DH's sister...they could be awful to tolerate and mean people. If that's the case..then of course you have to stand up for yourself against this. But if they are not really bad people, trying to see things from their point of view may help you assess yourself if you have justified reason to be upset or if you are over reacting.

Disclaimer: The above is just my opinion. I am no expert, by no means. I don't intend by what I write to tell you what to do or to patronise. Its just the peace-maker in me seeing this situation from different angles.

Good luck anyway. And congrats on your new arrival.