How to let it go??

[abcd1234]

I dont seem to be able to let go of what happened with me and Phill (Tally's biological father). I was perfectly happy before, happy with Dave, happy with Tally, and i was walking around with my head held high, so proud of my daughter and the man i love.

Now Phill suddenly decided he wanted to see her, so obviously i took her up there, i explained i wouldnt leave her as she needs milk and i dont trust him to look after her yet, i also said that after a while i'd be willing to let him see her without me being around. So he saw her on the monday, wednesday and sunday, it's how he usually goes in to things, all guns blazing, and gets bored after a while. But he seemed totally besotted with her. The only problem with it was that he would take her away, leave me sat in a room on my own, return her when she was upset, leave me sat alone feeding her, and take her away again when she was settled (i was nearly in tears on the sunday, i just wanted to go home, and me and Dave had argued about me going up there).

As i left on sunday i gave him a letter i'd drafted, nothing formal just my thoughts, i've got a first draft of it so i know exaclty what it says, explaining that i knew he didnt wanna see me but for now i cant leave Tally and asking why he never fought for her when i got angry (pregnancy hormones) and told him to stay away from us both, i also asked to know what he wants from seeing her and said i couldnt help but think his mum played a big part in him seeing her, i also said i would make it easy for him to see her but if he started messing her around he wouldnt be able to just walk back in to her life, and i asked him not to hurt her as i know she'll think he's this amazing person as she grows up.

I havnt heard from him since, it makes me so angry that he's done this, he's seen her and held her and she's smiled at him and tried to eat him and yet he's still so self obsessed he's not bothered to see her. His mum "subtly" told me he's not very well, but TBH if he was that interested he'd have said he wanted to see her but shouldnt due to being unwell, especially after what i'd said to him.

Everyone says that Tally looks like Dave and if i thought id would do any good i'd pray every night that she was, I'll never contact Phill myself but it's eating away at me not knowing what is going on in his head. Although i have a number for him i cant ask him if he's going to leave us alone as i know i wont get a reply anyway and TBH i dont want an arguement.

Thats something else that bugs me, i really dislike him, but whenever i'm around him i'm nice to him just to make life easier. I hate myself for it as it means i always leave feeling like a two faced bitch.

I dont know what to do tbh, i had hoped that one day Dave would be able to adopt Tally, i dont know what to do if Phill ever does contact me again, does this class as his one chance?? I so wish i wasnt in this situation, if i removed him from the equation my life would be perfect right now. We're moving in with Dave very soon and we've been engagement ring shopping and wedding planning to the point where i may have found THE dress!!

I know i choose to have Tally but him doing this has just brought back all my anger about him swanning off and living life as normal whilst i've changed everything for her. I'm also pretty pissed that his mum gives me money (i dont want it, she makes me feel guilty if i try and say no) yet he hasnt given a penny, i dont want her money, i dont want his, but he cant expect to play daddy whenever he feels like it!!

OMG this is long!! If you're read this far then thankyou, i guess the whole point of this post is to ask...

How would you treat the situation if it was you??

Oh and he tried to add me on facebook and a quick look at his profile shows he openly admits to drinking to much and taking drugs, along with being obsessed with anal sex, surely no court would allow someone like that access to my baby??

 

[lea m]

Gosh that must be a horrible situation and i know what I would like to do in your situation (ask him to give up rights to her and let Dave adopt her) but as Im not I don't know if that's the right thing (though it does sound it) and whether he would ever agree! He seems immature and already like he is going to mess Tally around and that's no good!
Is he on Tally's birth certificate?
Im no good at all in helping sorry but wanted to give you some of these

 

[Mildly]

First a You've done so well with Tally and I can see how frustrating it must be to have him swan in and out of her life as he sees fit without having made any real sacrifices like you have.

I hope he is just mulling over your letter and not ignoring Tally. Although I think it is bad that he hasn't got in touch. I wouldn't worry about feeling two faced, you do need to communicate in a civil manner regardless of your feelings, at least as long as he shows an interest in being a Dad. Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel, you're doing an amazing job with Tally. You should be really proud of yourself

I think it is a situation that is only going to improve over time. It might be worth trying to pin him down to a regular routine if he does get back in touch so that if he doesn't see her for a period of time it is clear to all concerned (including a court, if he ever tries to gain visitation rights that way) that he is violating an agreement.

 

[Squiglet]

I was in and still am in the same situation. They do get bored don't worry. Currently my ex only rears his ugly head when he has a just broken up with a gf or if he's out in a war zone and has time to reevaluate his life...its a sad but true fact.

I hate him for lying to Tia and letting her down, breaking his promises over and over again... the tears he makes her shed...and yet when he calls, tells me his woes down the fone... I feel sorry for him and I'm nice, I listen, then feel like a two faced bitch for not telling him what an arsehole he really is for lying to someone so lovely.

But I do it so I don't scare him off, so that he will come and see Tia often...not that he does.. but I don't want to jepoadise that relationship between them.

Its your choice about what you do.... do you cut Phil out and make your life with Dave or do you let Phil waltz in and out of Tally's life whenever he sees fit? I chose the later for this simple reason: I do not want Tia in the years to come to accuse me of refusing to let her see her father.. and I know what a twat he is and he WILL prove himself to her eventually...I just have to believe and trust in Tia as you will have to believe and trust in Tally. She will make the right decision.

 

[kelsey]

I was in and still am in the same situation. They do get bored don't worry. Currently my ex only rears his ugly head when he has a just broken up with a gf or if he's out in a war zone and has time to reevaluate his life...its a sad but true fact.

I hate him for lying to Tia and letting her down, breaking his promises over and over again... the tears he makes her shed...and yet when he calls, tells me his woes down the fone... I feel sorry for him and I'm nice, I listen, then feel like a two faced bitch for not telling him what an arsehole he really is for lying to someone so lovely.

But I do it so I don't scare him off, so that he will come and see Tia often...not that he does.. but I don't want to jepoadise that relationship between them.

Its your choice about what you do.... do you cut Phil out and make your life with Dave or do you let Phil waltz in and out of Tally's life whenever he sees fit? I chose the later for this simple reason: I do not want Tia in the years to come to accuse me of refusing to let her see her father.. and I know what a tw*t he is and he WILL prove himself to her eventually...I just have to believe and trust in Tia as you will have to believe and trust in Tally. She will make the right decision.

I did the former - after not turning up or turning up drunk i stopped contact. (this happened a lot) It went through solicitors and we agreed for him to see the kids but if he failed to turn up once without a reasonable explaination they contact would be stopped.

He lasted two visits. I have no regrets as I did what I felt was in the childrens best interest. My biological father was in and out of my life and I remember the joy when he said he would visit me "next week" and the disappointment when he never showed up.

I wanted to spare the children this whilst knowing i'd given the bio one chances to see them. he saw us in the local shop a while after this and completely ignored the children - thankfully they didn't bat an eyelid.

about a year and a half later i was told by a friend that he emigrated to the other side of the world.

 

[lfc_sarah]

I dont hsave advice hun

I dont know what id do if i was in that situation

But

 

[nori]

aww hun this must be so hard for you. I dont think i could possibly comment as im not in the situation so wouldnt have a clue what i would do. A part of me thinks the child needs to see her biological father but another part of me thinks if hes messing her around then it will make her more upset in the future. Maybe do what one of the other posts suggest and make a regular appointment to see if he will stick to that maybe? If he doesnt then it shows hes too stupid and immature to be a dad.

One person i do feel sorry for (along with yourself of course) is the grandmother. She seems like she is really making an effort. She must be so embarrassed at how her son is behaving. I hope she can still be a part of your LO's life even if he cant.

Good luck with it,

Claire x

 

[Blackfairykitten]

I have had experience of this being the child with the crap father and I would have to say I would leave it for him to contact you and if he does arrange set dates and if he doesn't make them then he's had his chance. If he doesn't contact you but then does further down the line, he missed his chance.
I'm sure your partner now will make a great father to your daughter and she will grow up respecting him and thinking of him as her real dad regardless of the truth (that is how I see my step dad and he wasn't with my mum till I was 7)

Good luck

 

[sazzylou]

my friend was in a similar situation with her ex. She hated him, but for the good of her daughter, she tried everything to keep him in her life, When he was around he acted the perfect father, completely in love with his baby.....then he would dissapear and she wouldnt hear from him for weeks She even used to have to send him the train fair just so he would go to visit her. In the end it got too much, him popping in and out of her life. It confused her too much. My friend stopped battling to try and get him interested in his daughters life, so he just stopped seeing her. He hasnt seen her for over 4 years now, and to make matters worse, no one even knows where he is. The CSA havent even been able to find him, so theyve never recieved a penny from him. He has her number and her address, but he hasnt tried to make contact since she was 1. its so sad.

the only thing she can do is be honest. her daughter knows a bit about him, but she doesnt really understand, she just accepts thats how things are. When she's older she may well feel angry, but thats a reflection on HIM, not her.


Im sorry he's messing you about, its not fair on her at all , but while she's so young i think its more unfair on you, as youre the one doing all the worrying and getting all the stress. I hope you can figure something out with him. I just dont understand how people can act like that

 

[dannii87]

What a wanker! Have you heard from him yet?

I'd tell him to shove off now! You've alreadydone far more than I'd have done, you can't FORCE Tally on him, but neither can he pick her up & put her down whenever he feels like it.

You just focus on your lovely future with Dave & your beautiful daughter. As far as I'm concerned, Phill would have no chance from now on

Time to put your foot down hun. He's always had this hold over you where you like to try to believe in his false promises. No more IMO..

xxx

 

[abcd1234]

HE told me he was "ill" last week and contempltaing how to repsond to my letter, it's no excuse, and i havnt heard from him now for 2 weeks, im not gonna make it easy anymore.

i just replied to his msg saying just respond ot the letter first as his text asked when i could bring her up again like it'd all be normal.

Still no word, and as of this week we're officially calling Dave daddy anyway!!! YAY

 

[mamichuli]

My case is similar to Squdglet's with Tia. I let the kids see their dad and allow them to have a relationship; my feelings are the same, I dont want Jessie and Vic to later say that i didnt give them the opportunity to have time with their father. He lets them down, or used to. Now they dont expect much and are less disappointed when he f*cks up. They have the right to make their own minds up in my opinion. It is not for me to decide...

Whatever you do, will be the best for Tally, just do what feels right to you

Lisa

 

[Babylicious]

It's a tough one, but if I were in that situation I would stop contact ask him to sign over his rights and let Dave adopt her. She needs a dad who's going to be there for her and not one who will let her down.

It isn't about you, dave or him it's about whats best for Tally. A dad is always there, not just there when he feels like it.

 

[Sherlock]

As someone who grew up with a very absent father who pitched up at short notice after anything up to a years absence without a word I'd be inclined to agree with babylicious. Look into what you need to do (if anything to do with Phil, if biological father is not on the birth certificate) and have Dave adopt her as his own and let him be her father. If Phil argues against this give him ample opportunity to prove he wants to be in Tally's life on a regular basis but make it clear he only has limited chances, not endless ones. Also as you are doing let Dave be Tally's Dad, let her call him that if he is going to be the man bringing her up with you. Let Tally call Phil by his name or something else, but to me its Dave who is the father, not Phil.

My mother never stopped my father from seeing me, was never rude or angry when she saw him, always cordial. My father didn't pay a penny toward my upbringing and would waltz in and out of my life when he felt like it. Up until I was about 13 I found it heartbreaking. He's spend an afternoon a year and then be gone. Maybe pop back up 5 or 6 months later for a few days and then go again. And it was always left to my mother to pick up the pieces. She did so without complaint about my father. I would cry for days.

When I was 14 I finally made up my own mind about him and felt he was a waste of space. As an adult I've had limited contact with him and although he lives less than an hour away I've not seen him in almost a decade. I don't miss him in the least and I have no regrets in making the decision to cut contact with him.

If he really is not going to commit to being in her life from the get go, I'd say save yourself years of heartache and move on with Dave. My mother used to hate my fathers visits because she knew how it would go and that he'd leave me in tears sobbing myself to sleep. But until I was an adult she never said a bad word against him. Once I was old enough she explained why she had allowed this to happen and how she was sorry to have put me through it all. I was never angry at her. Just at the man who felt he had the right to call himself my Dad when he had done nothing to bring me up.

Am I bitter now? If I sound it, then please know I am not. My mother remarried when I was 26 and I now call her husband my father and he is my sons Grandfather. He'll be the one Galen calls Pops, not my biological father. I have no plans to contact my biological father or let him see my son. My viewpoint is just because someone is biologically related to a person does not automatically make them a worthy parent or grandparent. Nor does it earn them the right to be a part of the childs life by default if they have chosen to walk away at any point. That person has to prove themselves and to be consistent in the long term. My step father has proved time and again he is devoted to my mother and cares for me greatly and adores Galen. He is so happy to be a Grandfather and is wonderful with Galen. I know he will be there in years to come no matter what. My father would never be able to do that. Nor am I going to give him the chance to. I have no regrets and know Galen will grow up with an adoring Grandfather that while not biologically related will love him and care for him as if he were. Something my father would never do.

OK I went off on a ramble but you get the picture.