How do I stay positive?

[Bridger]

So I haven't posted on here for a while. I've kept a low profile and tried that magic trick of relaxing and not thinking about TTC that seems to get lots of ladies their BFP. Unfortunately I struggle to stop thinking about it, but I have stopped temping and taking OPKs and leaving things a little more to guess work, but again this has got me nowhere

I got my first ever BFP in November 2014, in cycle 11 of TTC, quickly followed by a miscarriage at 6 weeks in December 2014. My due date would have been yesterday. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would be pregnant again before yesterday...and then I woke up this morning to the overwhelming arrival of AF... Clearly I'm not allowed my happy ever after. This means we are on month 20 TTC now, and to top it off we are off to spend the weekend with friends who have got two children. All they had to do is think let's have a child, and bam she was pregnant both times. No one knows we are TTC and they also keep telling us we should have children and just get on with it as time is getting on, it's wonderful etc etc etc

I don't know how to cope with the sadness and guilt of my failure to conceive and of my due date passing. How do you stay positive in TTC? All I want is to be a mummy

 

[flisstebbs]

I'm so sorry for your loss and having such a long run of ttc.

Staying positive can be very hard. My journey to my rainbow baby took 5 pregnancies and 3.5 yrs. All through that time I watched friends have #1 then #2 even.
Sometimes its best to allow yourself some time to feel angry and sad rather than bottle it up. I also found it helpful to not hide what was going on, some people were crap and wouldn't talk to me about it but several friends and family were invaluable sources of support to me.

I was at my lowest ebb jan to feb 2013 and had some counselling. By November I'd had a baby. This journey can have some big surprises that seem to happen suddenly. My consultant always told me that the only way I would not eventually have a baby was if I gave up. Dig deep. It's bloody hard. Xxx

 

[Clementine]

Hi Bridger, I am sorry for your loss and due dates are the toughest, sometimes TTC just sucks, we started in July 2012 and I had two MMC's in the first 18months and then not a sniff of a BFP in the last 18months. I felt a whole range of emotions, but as Flistebbs said we have to keep riding the wave. Stay strong and don't give up hope it will happen. Have you had any blood tests down to check you are ovulating , progesterone, etc as this might give you something to focus on. We shared with friends as the MMC's occurred at 11.5 weeks and 10weeks, overall I think it's better they know as they don't do the "when are you having kids question"
Big hugs & try not to be too hard on yourself x

 

[Bridger]

Thank you both for your replies. I haven't been to the GP yet but me and OH have agreed that we will go in November as this will mark a year since the miscarriage. Our journey has been complicated by the fact that in May 2014 I was diagnosed with an over active thyroid. I started treatment in July 2014, and looking back on my fertility friend charts I can now see that I did not ovulate at all from us starting to TTC in January 2014 until my medication kicked in around July to August last year

I've been on the verge of sharing with friends on a few occasions but have always bottled out A good friend in work is now also pregnant having only been trying for a couple of months. I'm so pleased for her but really jealous at the same time

Thank you, and good luck on your journeys. This is an amazing place to come for support from people who really understand....thank you

 

[Squemers]

It's a shit boat of a ride sometimes. I paid to see a consultant after a few years and three mc. It was the best couple of hundred quid I ever spent. He referred me back to the nhs to do a few tests and they all came back fine. After the 4th mc I went to the gp. I was fine until he said...so what can I do for you.. And I burst into tears... He was great and I've since had every test under the sun. The results came back that there was absolutely nothing wrong with either of us.. I cried for days. Never been so pissed off to get good news. At least with bad news we would have been able to move on and discuss other methods of having a child.

So in May We went all out. I temp charted, checked cm every day., I took 5mg of folic acid and half an aspirin. We set an alarm for 6.30 every other morning for my fertile week (as predicted by MyDays and fertility friend apps) and made sure that his semen went inside me. Sounds clinical but it's exactly what we did. I got a syringe (no needle obvs) so if the pressure was too much on hubby he buggered off and did it him self in a cup. I then sucked it up and implanted.

I know it's tmi but it worked. At last. The rest of the month was about having fun and enjoying sex but that one fertile week was a military operation.

I had friends telling me that if I really wanted a child I would have given up by now and adopted. My dad said that it's obviously not meant to be. My sister offered to surrogate and I could have slapped her (three kids, preggers whenever she wants earth mother stylie). The jealousy, rage, self pity and pure disbelief can be overwhelming sometimes but you just have to feel it and then move onwards and upwards. Your little bean will come. It's just a matter of time and patience.

I say go to the docs, beg for all the tests, claim depression etc and if need be lie about the number of MCs you've had. (3 or more and they will do tests).

Good luck x x x