LuW
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- Joined
- Jun 11, 2011
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We were told over our loss on June 25th and I'm still struggling with most days.
I feel selfish saying it but now I feel like I'm more upset and more grieving the life we should have had more than the baby. Like the logical side of my brain is saying that there's a reason it happened and that us being so early when baby did actually pass that it things were kinder, that this way my baby didn't feel any pain versus if they'd survived whatever killed them so early and having to deal with it when they could feel the pain. Thinking and feeling that has sort of helped me come to terms with the fact she's gone.
But I still break down at the idea of the second bedroom being the 'spare room' or that I'm going to be expected to do all the running around at Christmas when actually I would have been sorting out the last few bits and pieces at home and work ready for everything to change a few weeks later.
G's tried distracting me with talk of further in the future stuff, like our next move and again it's kind of tainted by this notion of 'well we can do whatever we like and move wherever we fancy and there's no one else to think about'.
But I'm not sure I'm ready to actually try again but I don't know how to even tell if I was ready. The baby wasn't planned so I didn't have that 'yes we're ready for a family' kind of moment. In fact after losing my son 4 years ago I had kind of convinced myself that I didn't want to have a family, then baby happened and my life feels empty without both of them.
I feel selfish saying it but now I feel like I'm more upset and more grieving the life we should have had more than the baby. Like the logical side of my brain is saying that there's a reason it happened and that us being so early when baby did actually pass that it things were kinder, that this way my baby didn't feel any pain versus if they'd survived whatever killed them so early and having to deal with it when they could feel the pain. Thinking and feeling that has sort of helped me come to terms with the fact she's gone.
But I still break down at the idea of the second bedroom being the 'spare room' or that I'm going to be expected to do all the running around at Christmas when actually I would have been sorting out the last few bits and pieces at home and work ready for everything to change a few weeks later.
G's tried distracting me with talk of further in the future stuff, like our next move and again it's kind of tainted by this notion of 'well we can do whatever we like and move wherever we fancy and there's no one else to think about'.
But I'm not sure I'm ready to actually try again but I don't know how to even tell if I was ready. The baby wasn't planned so I didn't have that 'yes we're ready for a family' kind of moment. In fact after losing my son 4 years ago I had kind of convinced myself that I didn't want to have a family, then baby happened and my life feels empty without both of them.
