HORRIBLE conversation

[LucyBee]

Just had a big row with OH and we never row.
Basically we got on to the subject of wills and how we MUST sort one out.
I said that the most important thing as far as I'm concerned is who would look after Tom if anything happened to OH and I.
There is no question in my mind that I'd want my Mum and Stepdad to have Tom. Mum is only 20 mins away from us, she has Tom for the day every Monday and we see her at least one extra time a week. They've had a close relationship since he was born. He knows her and her house and I trust her implicitly. She IS 64 but a very young 64 and full of personality, creativity and motivation. She knows how I parent and she supports my ways.

Ali disagrees and says he would want Tom to go to his brother and sister-in-law. They have 3 kids (15, 16 and 18) and both work. Tom has seen them probably 8 times since he was born. I like them and don't have anything against them but they don't know me and they don't really know Tom.

It's such a horrible conversation to have but we need to reach a conclusion and we can't. Right now we're not talking which is no good for anyone.

HELP!!

 

[LisaJ1986]

It is a tricky one. We've sort of had this discussion too and have had small disagreements over it. I want either mum or big sis to have her, whereas i think he'd want his sister to.
I think you have thought this through and it seems he's probably be best with someone he's comfortable with, which is why i choose my side as she knows them.

 

[beanie]

ah hun, I sympathise as me and OH have had similar conversations. I can see both sides TBH. I agree with you that he should go to the person/people that know him best as it would be less disruption but is your OH concerned about your mother being too old as I can see why it would do? Would she want a young boy/teen running round when she in her 70s, would Tom be happy to have someone that age look after him (I am not being rude or disporespectful and I really hope I don't come across like that but am just trying to put all sides down).

It is such a tough choice and not one I can see a solution to. Me and OH have agreed that his mum and step dad should have the grils if anything happened but they are in the 50's and whilst they are in the best of health now, this might not be the case in 10 years. Could you perhaps say that you put your mum as the place Tom would go and agree to review this in so many years. Or have them both down so they all take equal care (I have said I would want my sister to be involved in the girls upbringing too). I hope you get it sorted

 

[kalia]

We are going with OH's sister rather than my mum and dad. DD sees mum and dad at least once a week and has only met OH's sister once but the age issue is a big one. When DD is 16 my parents will be 70. Hopefully they'll be active and healthy but what if they're not? She could end up as a teenager having to care for them. They would only have their pensions so it would be hard financially sending her to university. And it is probable that they will die before she is 30 and she will have to deal with the deaths of a second set of parents IYKWIM. While she's little my parents would definitely be the best people for her but naming someone as guardian is about planning for her future and I don't think that's the best future for her.

I don't know if this helps

 

[Misslarue]

We've been having the same conversation lately. Its nasty but I guess its got to be done. We have sorted out the financal side, Dan will be sorted in that sense, but we're really not sure who we'd want to raise him Neither of our siblings have children (ones got one on the way) and neither of us wants our parents. My mum sees him the most but I feel she's too old for a young boy to grow up with and tbh she didn't do a great job with her own children, although I can't fault her as a nan. Its such a tough decision. No-one will ever be as good as me at raising my son exactly how I want him to be raised!

 

[CoreysMummy]

We havent had the conversation, but two very good friends of ours have left their 3 childeren to us should anything happen to them!! I was very honoured. Not enough to return the favour though!

Id want my mum to get him.

 

[Redshoes]

Aaawwwwwwwwww Lucy
Not knowing these peaople, I have to say I agree with you, and I think you need to just ask WHY Ali feels as he does, is it an age thing?? Because its who would Tom be most comfortable with, not how old they are, and it could also be wrote in the will that Ali's Bro and partner are encouraged to take a more consistent role in Tom's life now, as he is what's most important and your Mum would probably like, if not need, the support.
I can only send hugs Lucy because I don't even have a person I'd want to leave Isaac with because there really isn't anyone for many different reasons, and I know how hirrible you must be feeling, its a whole horrible conversation to start with and the thought of having to have someone else bring up your baby
Maybe a pro and con list? From what you've said, your Mum has an abundance, I think Ali needs to re-consider his opinion, maybe he just hadn't thought it through correctly, and also would his Bro really want the responsibility? Not that they wouldn't love Tom etc but your Mum will have all her free time, no work commitments or other children etc

Very best wishes
Lots of Love

 

[Rosebay]

Yes we've just done our wills and had similar discussions. Thing is that my parents have a more similar philosophy towards kids and parentood than his family, especially towards education which is a very important issue for us. Financially of course if you both die then they will inherit the money from your house etc so that won't be an issue hopefully. My parents are 60 and 58 so what we agreed with them was to have them for the moment but to review it in a few years time and check that they're still up for it as things change. It's not too hard to change it a few years down the line and we think that's the best option for us right now.

It's good that you're talking about it, just hope you can come to an agreement

+++

 

[Lola's Mummy]

I think you need to try and talk about this as it needs to be resolved. I do think from what you've said that your mum would be the best choice though as your LO knows her best

Me and OH haven't really had this conversation yet I think we should have a chat about it and get something sorted fairly quickly just in case.