Having a panic moment... Is my mum going to drive me and my OH mad??

[i.love]

Long time ago we have arranged for my paretns to come and stay with us (they live in another country) for 6 weeks around my due date time, so they can help us with things. It sounded like a great idea at the time, but now I start thinking that it is likely only put additional pressure on me and my husband, and that 6 weeks is actually a very long time!

I feel very guilty for thinking this - I have great parents, they will do anything for me and they will have ours and our babies interests in mind at all times... I'm sure they will be helping as much as they can.... but...

My mum just suddenly became so pushy!! "You must do this, you must do that...". And even worse - "Oh I heard on TV that you can't do this and that, just though I must tell you..." Thanks mum, if I wanted to get some random strange advice every day, I would just go and use Google!

For example, now I'm not allowed to lift my arms and stretch (umbilical cord can get wrapped around the baby???), I'm not allowed to walk over things (same), I can't eat chocolate, strawberries, raspberries, tomatoes and cucumbers (in case baby will have allergy???), etc, etc...

As my mum is from another country, the doctors there often give completely different advice from doctors here... I am not saying that one medical system is better than the other - I have no idea - but I would prefer to follow ONE system, not a mixture of both!

I mean my mum is very intelligent, and she is my best friend, but I guess she just worries a bit too much. And my husband and I want to be relaxed parents, and not worry about every speck of dust all the time!

I just don't know what to do now. I can't tell my mum "You know what, please don't come at all" - it would hurt her horribly! But I am worried that our nice quiet home will become a war zone for 6 weeks, my mum will completely overtake the house, and my poor husband will feel like a gooseberry, when in fact it is our baby - his and mine, not my mums!

Anyway, sorry for a long rant Just needed to get this off my chest. I guess I can't do anything now anyway - just hope that everything will work out fine...

 

[Geminiblue]

talk to her darlin, I said to my mum...god so many people are giving me their opinions its driving me mad. Iwill stick to the government guidelines I dont want to hear old wives tales and its my body my baby...she took the hint and never said another word unless I asked. Dont feel guilty but you must talk to her before the baby is here and say, we have guidelines here and I have to listen to those and if I think something is stupid thenI wont do it, trust that I will know what to do.

Unfortunately or fortunately it seems that your mum loves you very much and I think our parents get very very anxious and this is how it comes out. I know if my child was in pain and I knew roughly when it was going to happen I would try my ultimate to make things easier for them. I think thats what she is trying to do in her nervous worrying way. Just reassure her its all going to fine because do you know what...no matter what happens it will be xxx

 

[i.love]

thanks Geminiblue... I did try to talk to her a couple of times. Her answer was "oh yes, of course, I will just tell you what I heard, and then you can decide if you want to do it or not, it's completely up to you". But then it all gets back to "of course it's up to you, but I would DEFINITELY do this or do that... Because of the risk of this and that..". She just gets carried away and can't stop herself!

recently I got all brave and decided to be very clear about things with her. I told her that she should try to pressure me less, because so often mums and daughters fall out during birth time, and I don't want this to happen to us (just a little hint lol)... And she just said "oh, did you feel that I am pressuring you? Sorry, I didn't mean or realise that. Of course, it's all up to you...". And then... nothing changed lol

Every time I have a chat with her on skype I get upset about smth or get some new advice that I must apparently follow, or all sorts of horrible things might happen... This is just not healthy for me, my baby or my husband, who then needs to comfort me!

 

[Geminiblue]

ok how about put an email together or letter and say exactly what you have said here, says its making you anxious that you have tried to be suble but its not working and that its causing you extreme anxiety and upset and that it needs to stop altogether.... otherwise it will get worse after the baby is born. Make it clear and say you love her and you know why she is saying it just to be helpful but its not helping its making you upset

give it a go if you can xxx

 

[i.love]

Geminiblue that's a good idea... I think I will wait until she arrives and see how it goes (maybe it's just skype that makes it difficult for us to communicate), but if it is still like this, then I will write her a letter and explain how I feel!

 

[Geminiblue]

good idea, I have the same with my dad at times, I skype him in Ireland and was telling him how stressed I was at a certain local estate agents with the move of our house and that the man had been really really out of order (I stood up to this man) and my dad had this kindof smile on his face like there was going to be a punchline! I was really p'd off. But its difficult isnt it on email and skype and text xxx

 

[i.love]

yes it's not the same. We don't do video - only voice (connection is rubbish here), so maybe she just can't see/hear how annoyed I get!

 

[star fish]

Hiya, I totally sympathise, my mum is exactly the same. Not only does she ring me all the time with stuff she's heard but keeps magazine and newspaper articles, emails me downloads and even podcasts!! She has bought me dvds on natural childbirth even though i keep saying i dont want a natural childbirth and just isnt listening to our wishes! Total nightmare........

My only consellation is that she is not coming to stay and can be kept at bay to some degree! I really feel for you

 

[DW1978]

Maybe she will be different when shes actually here. Maybe shes just trying to make conversation about something thats relevant to you so she comes out with these random guidelines that shes heard and think thats her way of keeping involved and up to date with your pregnancy?

I'm sure it will all be fine, try not to work yourself up about it hun xxx

 

[Princess81]

I was in a sort of similar situation with parents living overseas (though not that far) they were intending on coming to stay for a month with me. My o/h is in the military so is away a lot. I have explained to her that it's probably not great for them to come
For so long as me and o/h need the time alone to bond with the baby. Seemed to take it ok x

 

[lewisca]

oh hun hope it all works out for u. like u say she might not b as bad once she is here. if being up front doesnt work how bout changing the subject or ignore what she says? thats what my friend is having to do at the min with her mum xxx

 

[i.love]

thanks girls!

lewisca, I might try ignoring her I guess... Just if I am told that doing/not doing smth can harm my baby, I find it very hard to ignore it - I start to worry/think about it.

star fish, I am not entirely sure why I thought that inviting them was such a great idea. Oh well, hopefully they can babysit during the day at least so I can catch up on my sleep. And if it really gets difficult, I will just hide in my room for most of the time lol

 

[stacey_lea86]

I was in a sort of similar situation with parents living overseas (though not that far) they were intending on coming to stay for a month with me. My o/h is in the military so is away a lot. I have explained to her that it's probably not great for them to come
For so long as me and o/h need the time alone to bond with the baby. Seemed to take it ok x

I am in the same boat right now. Although I have not told them they can't come until we feel ready. I keep dropping hints that I don't want visitors until I am in a routine. Just not sure they are getting them! x

 

[stacey_lea86]

Hope it works out for you chick. I agree with above post a letter or email may be a better idea. Perhaps they can come & stay with you once you & OH have bonded with baby & had family quality time. You do need time to yourselves to have those special moments.

I lived with my mother in law when I was pregnant & after I had my first child...NEVER AGAIN! I actually ended up resenting her. The comments and remarks drove me insane to the point I would just want to hide in my bedroom with my baby so I could be alone with him!

I'm not saying this will be the case for you. You sound like you have a great relationship with your Mum. But when your tired, hormonal & stressed do you think you can handle having people around 24/7? xxx

 

[i.love]

stacey telling them to come when we are ready is not an option anymore - they bought the tickets, arranged time off work, etc... Plus I think they would be so hurt - they are really looking forward to this trip!

this is what I am afraid off - me being all hormonal and ruining my relationships with my parents in the end. Or my husband starting to hate them (they have great relationships at the moment). I hope hope hope it won't come to that! I guess I'll just try to stay as cool/relaxed as possible myself and see how it goes.

 

[i.love]

DW1978 sorry forgot to reply - you might be right, we both want to talk only about babies now, so maybe she just tries to come up with interesting info

we had another chat today, and she was absolutely fine actually. Maybe I was just over reacting a bit.