Finding loss so hard..still

[Emapot1]

I lost Annabel in June at 35 weeks to a nasty nasty virus. Its been so incredibly hard and I have such mixed emotions. I miss her so much and longed for my daughter and as awful as it sounds, I may never have another little girl again....

As Christmas is approaching, I don't feel like celebrating in the same way as she was meant to be here and I remember myself and DH saying "this Christmas is going to be so magical and fun with the "four" of us".

Why Why Why does this world have to be so bloody cruel and sacrifice what we so desperately want.

I will light a candle for Annabel on Christmas morning and remember her soul and life whilst she was with me.

Its just been a hard day and I don't feel very good at the moment xxx

 

[laurat]

Oh I just want to give yiu a hug!! Truely understandable that you will be feeling awful. Take care!! ❤️

 

[Serenede]

So sorry you are feeling like this but completely understandable. I have had three lossses in the last year (not as late as you) and everyone keeps telling me to look forward to Christmas and enjoy what we have and I really do but I feel very down at the moment. We are waiting for results of tests and just feel as if there's no hope at the moment. I'm so thankful for this forum where people truly understand how hard it is xx

 

[flisstebbs]

It must be so hard. Christmas is such a paradox. There's all this forced jolliness, and actually it just makes anyone missing someone miss them 100 times more and it highlights any unhappiness you are feeling.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what losing a baby at 35 weeks feels like. It sounds totally reasonable to feeling like you are. Its still so recent and raw.

 

[summer15]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I can't even begin to imagine the strength you must have to find to cope with such a late loss. I cannot say I know what you are suffering as a mother because my own loss was very early; but when I was 6 years old my baby sister Georgina was stillborn and it devastated our little family of 3. Though I was young I remember the awful time very clearly, my dad crying, the lingering sadness at Christmas despite my wonderful, strong parents' best efforts. Two years later my baby brother arrived, and from the day he was born he was the most precious being in my entire world. Even at a tender age, losing something so precious taught me to appreciate more, be more grateful, more patient, and I vowed to be the best big sister in the world. It was a tall order (little brothers can be very annoying!) but I did all I could to keep my promise. 18 years later, he is my best friend and I had my dad and my brother walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I'm not going to say 'everything happens for a reason' because truly there is NO reason why our babies are taken from us; but I cannot imagine my life without my brother, and I know we would not have the wonderful relationship we have today had it not been for Georgina's brief little existence.
It's such a shit, horrible time and you need to be sad and angry and grieve. Then whether or not you wish to have more children in the future, Annabel will have taught your little family to appreciate each other more because you know what it is to lose; worry about the little things less because such a loss gives you perspective; keep each other that little bit closer because you know how it feels when you can't. I know even the briefest of existences can have the biggest impact on a family, and it's an awful one now but it will become a positive one. Love and best wishes to you and your family xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

I remember your horrifically sad posts at the time and I am so sorry you are still feeling so sad - but it's all part of the process.

Were you ever offered any kind of bereavement counselling? Is it something you would consider?

Also there are plenty of websites / chat rooms that specialise in the loss you have been through. Speaking to people who have also been through it may help?

I too just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are coping amazingly!

X

 

[Emapot1]

Thank you for the support and messages. I just find it so hard. I'm deep down going through post/antenatal depression as a result but I'm not beating myself up over it. I think its a bit of grieving mixed with a mess of hormones so perhaps I'm just having a hard time. It doesn't help I suppose when your own mothers thinks your being ungrateful for asking to spend time with her baring in mind its been nearly 5 weeks since I had any personal one to one time with my mum. She's always been a difficult one but its the only mum I have so I try all the time.

Christmas for the last 2 years has been horrid! I just hope this one doesn't go wrong too. x

 

[Emapot1]

Yes I have a midwife councillor who specialises in infant loss and that's fine but I do feel like I am talking to a automated response machine. Its like they are programmed to say the same thing over and over. Ive caught her clock watching too! I have been in contact with a private forum that st Georges put my in touch with but although we all share the same grief of loss, there's no other women AT ALL who have suffered the same problem with the virus so I cant compare scenarios or discuss what could have been done to maybe save her life. All I'm happy about now is that they have decided to routine screen any pregnant women complaining of flu like symptoms x

 

[CARNAT22]

Clock watching, blimey!

I think you need to report her to be honest.

I know MW's are understaffed but those that are dealing with late losses such as your own should have all the time in the world for you and should make you feel supported.

X

 

[Emapot1]

I'm possibly going to try and get in touch with another source. I don't have many people that I can talk to who understand properly but I will try acupuncture as it can only but help with the stress and anxiety at least x