Its the middle of the night and im still awake, just cant sleep xmas has been so hard and i think its really taken a toll on me i dont know maybe its because im dont know really. its really funny to say but xmas hasnt been as hard as i expected it to be i suppose i was waiting for a dark and hard christmas i mean it hasnt been great and easy and there have been few times iv gone off and cried a little. its like my family have put my girls behind them and just carrying on as normal, i know as a mother i could never ever put them behind me but cant my family and close mates see what they are doing by not talking about my girls ok maybe not all the time but i said i had some pressies for my girls just little things we brought and my parents were like christmas is a great time dont spoil it, i was LIKE DONT SPOIL IT ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Its also the feeling that you cant talk to anyone at christmas well i couldnt bout my girls because it was like everyone is happy and having a good time and i for one dont like ringing or texting or even going to see people because i dont want to make everyone feel sad just because im hurting does this make sense? Generally christmas has been ok really havent done a lot just spent time with OH and my girls, i dont expect replies to this but i just needed to write it all down.