Fighting A Losing Battle

[dannii87]

I'm so upset.

I've just posted in "Parenting... General Discussion" about Evie and feeding.

Well, my Mum & step Dad were supportive about BF, not overly tbh, they just said it was good I was trying, but every time Evie's cried and I've cried out of frustration, they ALWAYS suggest giving her a bottle.

My Mum's just come out with a classic trying to not offend me but trying to be firm at the same time - "being a Mum means doing the best by your baby, not what's best by you. Evie needs topping up with formula and it's not fair on her to exclusively BF when her only way of communicating is crying and you're not listening to her. She NEEDS formula" - she's just basically said I'm being selfish.

I've just sat here and told her how desperate I am to make this work and she's shrugged it off with an "oh well, it's a shame it didn't work out but you need to do what's best for Evie, not what's best for you I'm afraid, that's what being a Mum is all about Dan".

She's right isn't she?! I either need a huge kick up the arse or MUCH more supportive people around me.

Oh and she's just added "OK, you'll just have to put her straight on the breast whenever she cries and deal with it, get on with it, no complaints, if it's that important to you" - Now I know this isn't just friendly advice, this is a dig at me for getting so upset when she cries.

It's like a "give her formula or get on with it on your own & don't ask us for help" type jab.

Is she right? Please be honest... I know I'll get replies saying "breast is best for Evie" but really, is it? I'm starting to wonder. Maybe my Mum's right, maybe we're just not cut out to breastfeed...

Maybe I've tried all I can and I'm just fighting a losing battle...

xxx

 

[daftscotslass]

Dannii, hon, it's up to you. You're Evie's mummy so don't let anyone, even your own mum, tell you what to do. You know in your heart what you want to do and you have stuck with BF so far don't let anyone deter you from doing it if it's what you want to do. You will make it work and you're doing a bloody fine job if you ask me!

Babies have fussy periods and let me assure you that a bottle isn't a magic wand that makes it go away - maybe you should tell your mum this. I'd be gutted if I'd managed to get as far as you have, change over to bottles only to find she still fusses the same. It really does sound like a growth spurt and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!

I'm sorry I can't give you advice on the BF front but we're all here for you, you've come so far and done so well don't let other people's opinions deter you

 

[beanie]

Personally I think your mum needs to be more supportive or just not comment. My OH used to say to me "why not give her a bottle" when I was struggling with Seren and it would drive me mad as I really wanted to breastfeed and I wanted people around me to encourage me to keep at it. I knew I could give her a bottle, I knew I would have done my best etc but I wanted to hear someone say "keep at it, you are doing great". He learnt and when I was struggling with Cally he was so much better.You are doing what is best for Evie, its just that its hard work in the early weeks. Evie isn't suffering, she is just behaving like a ormal breastfed baby. Are there any baby cafe or breastfeeding groups by you, they might be a good place to go and get support.

 

[Jollypops]

I've replied in your other thread honey.
The choice has to be yours in what you wish to do, dont be bullied into bottle feeding if thats really not what you want to do. If you really want to carry on breastfeeding you need support and your family need to understand that, which i know is easier said than done.
Both you and Evie have to be happy and what ever you choose to do remember you are still a great person and are doing all you possibly can
Sorry that this might not be of any help.
x

 

[LisaJ1986]

First thing, i do not understand her saying what's best for you. Why would it be best for you??? You are trying to do what is best for Evie, surely?

If you really want to carry on then you need to just take a deep breath and persevere.

But do not feel bad if you want to give up.You have done so, so well.
You just need to sit and think about it. Give it a couple of days and see how you go maybe.

 

[CoreysMummy]

I had to bottle feed since he was a week old due to reflux.

*touch wood* Hes never had a cold, a sniffle, an upset tummy... fit as a fiddle. A healthy fiddle that is.

A happy mum is what Evie needs if its really getting to you then you need to do whats best for you, and if thats to stop then so be it.

Babies have been raised for years on formula, it has yet to kill anyone.

Having said all that, I still feel awful that I cudnt breastfeed, but, there was nothing either of us could do, he'd throw it all up, and I didnt have milk to give him 24 hours a day, it takes time to replenish. With a bottle id keep pumping it in him, he'd keep throwing up, but atleast he was getting something. I still feel bad though. And thats awful. I dont want you to feel like I do... but if its not working, what can u do?

 

[Bubalu]

Sorry your family are not supportive...I did give formula (I had to because Eleanor was dehydrated) and now I'm trying to cut it out again. I do get comments about whether it's worth it as it is taking all my time, will power, emotion and that really bugs me. Anyhow, the advice I was given is to watch for nappy output...6+ wet nappies and at least 1 dirty nappy every 2-3 days is enough. You know your baby's output and if it's not decreasing, she's doing fine.

 

[Sammystar]

I've read both threads hun and my heart goes out to you

I really think you should stick at it, you really are doing a great job and not getting much support.

If you get upset and tense, this will also affect Evie as she will pick up on it. I've been there and I know what a viscous circle it can be. My advice would be to take yourself and Evie into a quiet place AWAY from your parents. Get yourself comfortable with as many cushions/pillows etc as possible, then take some big deep breaths. You need to be relaxed or your let down reflex won't kick in and this could be what's frustrating Evie even more. I know it's easier said than done but to be honest you're already two thirds of the way there as you quite clearly have the determination. You just both need to relax into it. You CAN do it hun.

Good luck

 

[NickyB]

She sounds really unhelpful with her comments, whatever you choose to do.

It's not like you're necessarily what's best for you and ignoring or neglecting Evie**, booby feeding is hard work, genuinely the hardest thing I've ever had to do, so you're pushing a huge weight uphill with the obstacles you've had.

And also, re: not getting upset when she fusses. I cried every time Lucy was sick over me or herself for the first three weeks. It's the hormones, it's the not-quite-knowing and everything. I can deal with it now and just feel sorry for her instead (thankfully she likes the bath).

**presumably she's putting on weight and filling nappies? She's eating despite it taking a while or being a little bit difficult for you both.

If you want to stick with it, do and if you don't - you know it's not going to harm Evie giving her formula.

 

[Kimberly]

I'm sorry your Mum is not being supportive. It is so hard in the beginning and you really need all the support you can get. To be honest the first 8 weeks were a bit miserable for me. August was constantly on my boob and if he wasn't, he was fussing. I really wasn't able to leave the house much. It was so hard! I cried a lot......and even wanted to give up many times. I honestly didn't think it would ever get better, but around 8 weeks it did. He started eating quicker and less often and we both just seemed to get it.

You've come so far and it took a week or so after we had August's tongue tie released for him to latch properly and even then it was with nipple shields. Maybe Evie's tongue is still healing?

It's up to you, but I promise things did get better (and I really did not think they ever would). If you do decide to give formula, don't beat yourself up about it. You've already given Evie a wonderful start!

 

[purple13]

i've read both threads and want to give you some

TBH i'd be pretty mad at your mum if i were you. you have done the most amazing job persevering up until now and you should be amazingly proud of yourself; what you've been doing is soley for evie's sake, so for your mum to suggest otherwise i find quite heartbreaking its hard enough with support, nevermind without; perhaps ask your mum to refrain from comment in future?

it all sounds v much like evie's going through a growth spurt - connor just went through one and, despite being on 3 meals a day, spent several days almost permanently glued to my boob in between meals.

the fussing is probably going to continue whilst the bottles are around though hon... i know you didn't get on with the cup but are you using one with a small enough rim?

can you get a bf councillor to come and see you at home?

if you do decide to move to formula then do so in the knowledge that you couldn't possibly have done anything more; be proud of how much you've achieved.

 

[Squiglet]

My Mum's just come out with a classic trying to not offend me but trying to be firm at the same time - "being a Mum means doing the best by your baby, not what's best by you. Evie needs topping up with formula and it's not fair on her to exclusively BF when her only way of communicating is crying and you're not listening to her. She NEEDS formula" - she's just basically said I'm being selfish.

tbh as a breast feeder you are going to come across a lot of these comments from people, especially mothers who chose to bottle feed. I have yet to come across a mother who managed to breast feed her baby all happy like and not get one of these screaming unhappy fussy periods.. So if your mother's comment is true then what would have happened to all the babies centuries ago when there was no formula...? The human race wouldn't be here, so it must be a natural progression and the fussing must be to do with building up the supply.

99% of people who give up breast feeding do so through lack of support...To have someone in your corner telling you you are doing the right thing... Yes its hard, but they are proud of you is worth a 1000 sleepless nights.

What you need to remember is that at this age you should have a baby permanently attached to your boob, thats normal... She's fussing mainly because she has to work for the food, work to build it up and she doesn't want to. In these days, a sling was my only help... I could just pop her in, tummy to tummy and she would happily sleep on me. But I got through it... and lil miss has done amazingly well despite having severe reflux.

I know people say a happy mum = a happy baby... but will you be happy if you gave up breast feeding? or would you feel depressed and guilty as many mothers who give up say they feel? If you really really want to do this... then do this. It is what breast feeding is designed for... feeding babies... As long as Evie is growing, gaining weight, having wet/dirty nappies regularly... then she is doing just fine and doesn't need topping up Take Evie to the weight clinic... get her weighed and if shes gained weight well feel really good about yourself and renewed in your booby fight.

 

[beanie]

Just seeing how you are feeling today hun Its a new day today, and I hope you are feeling a bit more positive. You know we are all here for you

 

[dannii87]

Thanks so much ladies! After reading your replies last night, I talked to my Mum and told her that if she can't be supportive, then I don't want her to comment.

The thing is, I don't know WHY I am SO damn determined to breastfeed!! I am just far too stubborn at times!

I've decided though, if I get a run of 1 week with every day being so hard to get through, I'm going to give up for both our sakes! I know I've done really well so far and I'm so proud of us both. I'm pretty sure she's having a growth spurt or was just having a fussy day yesterday because she's been FAB today. She's gone soooo long between feeds!

She has lots of wet nappies, has NEVER lost weight (always put it on, even in the first week), she does about 4 poos a day.. So I don't think she's suffering in that respect (which makes me feel OK about persevering).

Anyway, I bought some slow flow teats today in case I ever get so desperate where I need to give her a bottlem (whether it be filled with formula or breast milk, I think the old teats did so much damage with nipple confusion and I'm not letting that happen again!)

Thank you so much for the support ladies. I have you lot, my HV & the BF counsellor who came to see me yesterday at home to help.

You lot are fabulous x

 

[Mildly]

Well done Dannii, sounds like you are doing great

Good on Evie for being a bit less fussy today

 

[Hazel]

You'r doing well to still be doing it. I had to give up after a week as I never had any milk come through at all. By day 7 I had to make a decision for what was best for Connie as it was just upsetting both of us too much to carry on trying.

Your mum is probably upset seeing you both going through this and just wants to see you both happy. Without sounding mean I think your mum has a point about just getting on with it without complaining, if you've asked her advice you have to respect her answer even if it's not the one you wanted to hear. Only you know if you can carry on breastfeeding and what's best for the both of you.

 

[purple13]

The thing is, I don't know WHY I am SO damn determined to breastfeed!! I am just far too stubborn at times!

cos you know that its the best thing for you and evie

i sooooo want things to get better for you hon. it sounds like today's been a good day and long may it continue!!

the weight gain and wet nappies are all signs of how well evie's doing. keep going

 

[kelsey]

read ur pm hun xxx

 

[aramintalovegrove]

Aw Danni TBH I remember it being hard but it really is all the emotions and wanting to do the best by ypur LO too mixed up. I agree with some of the others, if your Mum keeps on about the bottle (and it sounds like she may just stop now) maybe you could have a private word with your HV or BF councellor and ask they do a home visit when mum is around to support you and promote persvering with the BF if thats what you want. Remember its your choice and no one else can make the decision for you, I know its difficult, I do hard negotiations in court for a living but deciding wether to feed Esme or leave her for half an hour to see if she is really hungry is sometimes beyond me!!

 

[Tick-Tock]

I just want to say well done for perservering.... I remember in the early days when my Evie was struggling to latch on... my mum made a helpful comment like "I don't know why you are struggling, I mean monkeys in the jungle just know how to feed don't they???" Yes, thanks mum...

Your mum made a good point though

you need to do what's best for Evie, not what's best for you I'm afraid, that's what being a Mum is all about Dan".

So if that means you think BFing Evie is whats best for her and you are finding it a struggle.... you are being the best mummy in the world because you are trying to do it!! (but also if you decide to switch to formula you are being the best mummy too). Some one said to me when Evie was a few days old that parenting is all about guilt and doubt!!! It's so true and I think it just means you want what is best for them all the time...

All the best whatever you do
J
XX