Feeling undesirable

[Shiela2]

I am now 34 weeks, and for at least the last couple of months or so there has been a serious shift in intimacy between my boyfriend and I. We've been together for five years, and do love each other very much, but since I have got bigger and the baby has made itself more obvious, my boyfriend hasn't felt "right" about sex. I have brought the subject up, and he has explained that he still loves me and thinks I'm attractive but the thought of a baby being inside me is just totally off-putting. I can kind of understand this, but it still makes me feel rejected and unattractive and undesired and depressed. And the fact that he doesn't even seem bothered about any kind of intimacy with me (it's not like I think intercourse is our only option!) just makes it feel ten times worse. I still feel like me - not just a mum or a vessel for a baby, and if it weren't for this I would be feeling absolutely fine about myself and my body image, as I don't think I look bad or ugly or anything... It's just that I am finding it harder and harder to keep up my spirits and not let the way things are with our sex life affect my mood. When we last talked about this and I explained how I was feeling, he tried to say that he really doesn't think that much about sex and it doesn't bother him that things are as they are now, he just gets on with other stuff and is not one of these men who "thinks about sex all the time". It's true that he has never been sex mad, and I have always been a little more driven in that department than him, but really I found it hard to believe he could go for weeks and weeks and weeks without feeling like it in the slightest... And anyway, now I have discovered a porn dvd so it's pretty obvious that he does feel like sex of some sort, but just nothing involving me!! I haven't brought this bit up yet, but will be doing so shortly I think. It's not that I even object to porn per se, just that right now it feels as if this is an alternative to doing anything intimate with me, rather than in addition to or as a compliment to a happy sex life with me, if that makes sense.... Of course I'm sure the hormones don't help at the moment, but it does feel v hurtful when he knows I would happily love to still be intimate. Also, I wish he would just be honest rather than try to make out that I am making a fuss over nothing, and being paranoid... I just find the whole thing so upsetting and wonder how I am going to cope with this long term. It's not that I think sex is the most important thing in life, but I'm still a woman and I still want to feel desired by the man in my life! Is it me, or is he being selfish? I have no idea what I can do about it, other than talk to him which I have already tried. It's like I'm trapped in a situation with no way out and I'm worried I will just get more and more depressed as time goes on and end up permanently resenting him.... Any advice / pearls of wisdom gratefully received, or just knowing I am not going crazy would be really helpful! Thanks

 

[NickyB]

You're not crazy, but I don't know what to suggest to help

I can understand how his attitude to you and sex has changed, with the bump getting bigger and bigger it's gets too obvious for some men who's in there. However, secret porn stash and a lack of intimacy are bound to make you feel like this. If it was just sex he had problems with, I suppose it would be different.

I think talking about it with him should help, and perhaps he can make an effort with the other things that make you guys feel close... without going into too much detail you know what I mean.

 

[kerryp]

Maybe he's scared about hurting the baby? Can you talk to him about how its maing you feel?
My other half seems to have gone the total opposite... its like he sees me as "the one he's most fertile with" hehehehe I seem to be the one whos gone off things as i feel like a bloated whale & he doesnt get distracted by the baby kicking!
I would def try & sit him down & explain how his lack of intimacy is making you feel.

Hope it all sorts itself out soon.
xx

 

[Shiela2]

Thanks KerryP and NickyB, Yes, have tried talking to him again last night which didn't go so well sadly. Tried to explain how vulnerable and down I felt and how the discovery of the porn had made me feel (mainly due to the current situation with us than the porn itself) - in a letter as I felt that this might be less confrontational and I could express everything in one go, but he pretty much dismissed my feelings as mad and hormonal, got angry and defensive and said the usual about every man having and using porn (I was never trying to imply it was abnormal) that it doesn't mean anything, that he has talked to lots of his friends and most of them who've had children also went off sex with their other halves, so he is essentially convinced that it is more common than not. I on the other hand, believe that although this does happen to many men, more men still feel attracted to their pregnant other halves than don't. But I don't think he wants to acknowledge that. He says there is nothing he can do about how he feels re the baby being inside me (it's not cos he thinks he will hurt the baby, it is just that the thought and sight of a baby inside me turns him off anything to do with sex). And now because I have brought it up again and "laboured" the point (excuse the pun!!) and because I have ended up feeling so down that I have not been my usual happy self around him but seemed distant and moody, he has said this makes him even less likely to want to do anything intimate at all. So, much as I would love for him to be able to make that effort to do other things as you say Nicky, this doesn't seem to be an option either. There is nothing else I can do. It is a really odd situation to be in!

It's hard to watch the person you love and are having a child with so blatantly reject you when you are clearly asking for help and to so blatantly put his own interests ahead of your own and make no apologies for it. I think now I need to take off my rose tinted specs about just how much he can really possibly love me (even though he says he does). Never thought I would have to deal with something like this and it is really tough with only 6 weeks until the birth of our child. I guess I just need to concentrate on me and the baby and try and put my relationship to the back of my mind until the answers come and maybe after the birth I will be clearer about where I should go from here.

But thanks for the support ladies, and glad Kerry that you are lucky enough to have a man who is still showing you the devotion you deserve

xx

 

[kerryp]

sheila, i feel so sorry for you. how on earth can he go and discuss the point with his friends i.e. know it happens to other men, but yet still not have brought it up with you it may sound good that im getting attention but sometimes my fella ends up being in a mood because i definately dont feel sexy etc infact i feel like more of a panting whale covered in cellulite at the moment! Maybe if you try not to think about it too much at the moment everything WILL fall back into place... i hope it does.

Thinking of you.
x

 

[NickyB]

Aw, that's such a shame. If he's really dead set against the idea of it, I hope you don't have too long left.
I have no idea what to say