Feeling bad and guilty about breastfeeding - UPDATE!!!

[Beatlesfan]

Hi all

Just wanted to sound you all out.

I am feeling a bit down at the moment, I'll explain why.

Firstly, I love breastfeeding my baby - the actual philosophy of it and the whole nuturing/goodness side of it. (this is where the guilt comes in!)

My main problem is this. I am very large chested. I am only 5ft 1, have gone back to size 12 (and still losing about 1lb a week) after my c section 7 weeks ago but my boobs have remained huge. I am currently wearing a 34L bra (on tightest hook for back) but this is too small on the cups, but I can't buy a bigger cup size anywhere. They just don't make them.

Anyway, the problems I am having are the following:

1. Quite bad back ache that I didnt have before. It is across my shoulder blades and neck - I think this may be cos of my boob size as my sister, who has had a reduction, always complained of this (that's why she had it done) and surgeon told her this was common complaint of large busted women and would give her further back problems in time.
My boobs feel so heavy all the time, and even more uncomfortable when they fill up.

2. Maternity bra I am wearing offers NO support. If I tighten straps the cup just scrunches my boobs up and I am worried about mastitis let alone the 4 boob look!! And it's just downright uncomfortable wearing a bra that's too small.


3. Severe lack of clothes available to wear, not for vanity although let's face it, if you look good you feel good and vice versa, but for comfort more than anything. I have a whole wardrobe of clothes in loft, bagged up, which I grew out of when pregnant and obviously haven't got back into them. But I have to wear either baggy t-shirts to accomodate boobs, or I bought 3 tops (size 20) from H and M few weeks ago which I constantly wear with maternity jeans.
I think this is making me feel very bad (self esteem wise) as I just feel so uncomfortable in anything and dread going out.

I tried a coat on the other day, well I tried 3 on and they all looked god awful as my boobs were massive and just hung there near my waist and I just wanted to cry. I can't even wear an underwire as I don't want to harm milk ducts etc, and will I even get one that will fit??

Well I have been thinking about stopping breast feeding, but feel so guilty about it. Mainly because I feel selfish stopping just to comfort myself and baby will miss out on my milk. But also because my mum is so PRO breast feeding and always goes on about women who bottle feed are lazy and take the easy way out. I tried to tell her of my discomfort when she came over the other day and she said well that's just what you have to do, you have to put up with it.
Then I felt really guilty and vain!!

My OH would support me whatever I decided to do, he understands how uncomfortable I would sometimes feel about my bust BEFORE I got pregnant (32F/G, and believe me it is a burden despite ther people saying oh you're so lucky, it is hard to get clothes/bras/swimming costumes etc. without paying loads of money), and certainly has a lot of smpathy now. He has also said he'll support me getting a reduction if I want one (I will give it a year from when Imogen was born to allow for body to recover and stabilise) even tho he is a BIG fan of big boobs ... bless him. He just wants me to be happy. He has said he thinks I have done well to breast feed LO for 7 weeks, and have given her a good start in life.

At times I feel like crying as I am so uncomfortable but then the guilt takes over, esp. when LO is feeding from me and I think I am being selfish.
There's also the expense of buying new clothes. We are on a budget as OH is a student and I am bread winner so we have had to save money to make sure I could take 6 months off to be with baby. My bras cost me in excess of 20 quid each and already the two nursing bras I have are getting worn, one is torn at the front where it is stretched.

Or is it all hormones? or bit of both. I am just starting to want to go out socially and we are going on a mini holiday to Cornwall soon to visit OH's family and friends - I am panicking as I only have 3 outfits and don't feel great in them anyway.

I would like to hear from you about what you would do if you were in my position, or indeed if you have been in my position???

Thanks girls.

 

[trixipaws]

im sorry i cant help i am skinny and flat-chested (altho i went up to 34DD when i had melissa and i thought THAT was huge! )
but dont let anyone bully u into BFing. yes breast is best but formula isnt poisonous! iv just started the occasional bottle and its not easier than BFing- theres all the messing about sterilizing, preparing feed etc so its not "easy way out"!
do whats right for you sweety

 

[Rosieroo]

When I stopped breastfeeding DD my boobs didn't change size, but I was pregnant (and then they got huuuge again ). My boobs changed size when I lost weight, but like you said you've not exactly got a lot to lose!

Whatever your decision, don't let anyone bully you into continuing if it's not what you want. But I just want to warn you that your boobs may not shrink an awful lot if you do stop (and you'll be buying formula which wont help your finances!).

I'm sorry that you're feeling down about it all, it can't be very comfortable at all

 

[andreag]

Just to let you know you are not alone - my boobs are very large as well and I stuggle to get anything to fit properly. I'm 5'2" and was a 12-14(bottom half!) pre pregnancy. I was measuring an H cup at the last count. I know exactly what you mean about the maternity bra's - no support at all. I hated them.

However, I found that the discomfort, leaking etc settled down after a couple of months, so things might settle down a bit yet - Its still quite early days.

Re the clothes, I got some tops in Primark with plenty of lyrca in which do a better job at stretching over boobs but fitting a bit better elsewhere. I agree with the last post that there has been no great reduction in size since I stopped breast feeding when Charlotte was 6 months old, so this might not be a solution.

I appreciate that money is tight, but a friend of mine had maternity bra's made for her, and reckoned it was no more expensve than buying a shop one, but the fit was much better. Maybe have a look for something like that?

Sorry I can't help more but I do understand.

 

[zebrastripes]

You've done really well to bf past the first couple of weeks-that's the hardest part.

You're not selfish to bottlefeed if that's what you want to do. Breast is best and all that,but plenty of babies have been formula fed,and don't seem to have grown extra limbs With the back ache- i really don't know what to suggest are you sure the bras you are wearing fit,in the first place? marks & Spencers do really good measurements for free,maybe that's an idea if you haven't been measured in a while? I know what you mean about clothes,but I've found that if you fit into it,don't let bf put you off wearing it because most necklines pull down and most dresses can be whipped up in privacy I'm on a tight budget too,and my nursing bras are old and crap-half the time I just wear a padded camisle from Dunnes or somewhere which is soooo much more comfy

 

[Beatlesfan]

thanks for your replies ladies

Zebrastripes, thanks for your supportive comments. Unfortunately M and S don't go above a G cup. I tried a sports bra crop top thing on a couple of weeks ago in the hope that it may offer some support and comfort but it was a ridiculous fit. I tried the largest one on but my back is so much smaller so the back was baggy and the front offered no support whatsoever.

I got fitted at LEIA in bluewater by one of the staff who is trained in fitting bras for pregnant/nursing women. I know I am wearing the best fit that is possible. I have had years of experience of wearing bras and generally I have never gone much on "sizes" themselves, but more on the "fit" e.g. check no extra boobage at front/side, back doesn't ride up but fits horizontally under rib cage etc. and also this way works cos different makes come up differently in size/fit - hence I was a 32F/G before pregnant... or FF or GG occassionally. The bra fitter actually said a 32M would fit better but they don't do an M cup.

I am going to have a serious think about what I want to do and once I am sure I think I will be more confident to face those (e.g. my mum!) who may lay the guilt on me.

My OH has reiterated he will be fully behind me to whatever I choose to do which means a lot to me. He has suggested introduing a formula feed to see how LO gets on with it first so I am considering that too. You know once I see she is OK on formula maybe I will feel less guilty etc.

Thanks for your positive comments and I wil keep you posted... I may need more support!!

 

[zebrastripes]

hope it all goes ok for you hun

 

[Redshoes]

All I'd say is do whatever makes you happiest because happy Mummy = happy Baby and that IS best for baby
Nevr mind what your Mum or anyone else says, its not their decision, its yours. You could carry on, give it another week and see how things go? Either way its important to enjoy your baby, not feel so upset because of your issues you've listed above
I ended up partially breastfeeding Isaac, and I have to say bottle feeding is NOT the easy option, there is lots of faffing around involved with it, whereas with breast its there on tap, you don't even have to get out of bed to feed with a boob
I was very low after Isaac's birth, and I wanted desperately to breastfeed but my circumstances meant I was getting iller trying to, and so I decided to not exclusively breastfeed, had I had to quit entirely I'm sure I would have been upset, but you have to do what works for you, you are responsible for your baby and you need to be your best
Very best wishes

 

[Rosieroo]

Good luck with your decision Beatlesfan, and whatever you decide, don't feel guilty! You've breastfed for this long and done your best, feeling guilty about giving up isn't productive at all. Just enjoy your gorgeous little one and be comfortable in what you decide

Good luck!

 

[Beatlesfan]

Well I have decided what to do.

After we get back from Cornwall we are going to introduce a regular formula feed for LO and gradually wean her off breast. By beginning of April she will be on formula. We tried her with formula last week and she was fine with it. She has had a couple of bottles of formula since and is fine so this makes me feel better. Feel very grateful she is such a flexible baby with going between breast/bottle and breast milk/formula.

I am feeling more positive about weaning her off BF milk. Thanks for all your support ladies. i am much more confident to face my mum now if she questions my decision as I thought long and hard about it and once my mind was made up, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Feelign really good today, OH did the night shift... I got 8 solid hours sleep & 2hours lie in (after BFing LO at 8 am).

Ahhhhh.... bliss!!!
x

 

[lisa&alex]

just wanted to say.. im also big breasted.. and feel for you.. my suggestion however silly it sounds.. the bigger back you go the larger the cup size goes.. primark go to a g.. so i would go there or a cheap shop, get a 36 38 40 back in the largest size cup.. get the cup to fit you.. and sew the back strap shorter..for the sake of a few quid it might be worth it..ive done it and it was the best fitting bra ive had..you can safty pin it if you cant sew with nappy pins for safty..

 

[Beatlesfan]

Thanks for that advice, I have often thought along those lines. I'd look at a 40G and think I could fit in those cups, if only the back were smaller. Might give that a go!!! Got to be worth it, primark are cheap enough.
thanks again
x

 

[cloud9]

I know how hard it is I am a 36J and i can't get reasonably priced bra's

good look however it goes

 

[Beatlesfan]

Well, I have started to cut down on breast fed feeds for Imogen and started using formula during the day so I only feed her BM from early evening thru to morning. I have cut the feeds gradually over the week so the milk production has lessened without too much discomfort. OH has been great, really supportive and that has made me feel better about it.

But I faced my mum today and told her the news. Hmmm... was not pleasant but I was strong!!

I visited my mum at her work, she works as a warden for independent living accomodation for over 55s. So you can imagine all the old ladies wanted to see Imogen - some of them knitted stuff for her and I send photos regularly which my mum shares with them, so it's understandable. Well, anyway, every time we saw one of these ladies my mum would do the normal proud nanny bit (and proud mum..of me!!) and would you fecking believe it, she just HAD to add that I was breastfeeding.... to everyone we met. I think that is quite a personal thing to share esp. when it's about someone else and I don't think it's even relevant or apt. to share with people who are starngers to me. What does everyone else think? I also thought it was quite rude to share this info while I was standing there!!! anyways, I decided to be quite laid back about it and several times corrected my mum telling the ladies that she takes some formula now, to which my mum seemed to ignore!!

When we got upstairs to my mum's flat, I had to feed Imogen so got out the bottle etc. and asked my mum to watch so she knew what to do when she has Imogen again. Prior to this my mum had only fed Imogen expressed BM in a bottle. So then she says, what's that? So I said formula. She gave me a stern look and said why are you giving her that, I explained that I am weaning her off over time, gave my reasons (see my first post in this thread for my reasons) and waited for her response. She then said (and this is the bit I almost had a jaw doropping moment in disbelief) "I would like you to breast feed for 6 months" so I explained again my reasons hoping she would hear me AND LISTEN this time. Then, get this... she said, "I would feel better if you breast fed for 6 months" !!!!!!! I thought WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTTT? YOU would feel better? What about ME and my huge uncomfortable breasts? What about me wanting to ease Imogen off so when I return to work she is fully weaned and forumla is established therefore easing the transition for me, Imogen and OH, as he is going to look after her F/T whne I return to work? What about my reasons being valid enough and you respecting them? what about MIND YOUR OWN *****ING BUSINESS??? Oh it made me so cross...

I sort of shared the "What bout...?" issues I mentioned above but in a calm and much lower key way, but TBH I don't think she listened because on my way out she took me to see some more of her residents and what was the first thing she said...??? Yep, she said "She's breastfeeding the baby...there aren't many who do that nowadays are there??" God she talks rubbish... I often ask her where she gets the statistics from that she bases her opinions on.

I kind of have to let it go over my head as I could get cross and I don't want any negative emotions or stress. I know I am doing the right thing for me and my baby for my well being.
What also got me was when I explained I was cutting down the feeds she said my milk would dry up.. I explained it wouldn't as it's a supply and demand thing but she didn't get it. She told me if I want my milk to dry up I need to bind my boobs up and drink epsom salts.... yeah right mum. It's because that's what she did and she is the sort of person that if it isn't her way, it's the wrong way.... But like I'm going to do that!!!

I am not going to make a fuss about her telling people I am breast feeding, cos I really see it as HER problem (she is obssessed!) but are there any of you who would confront your mum if she did this? I'm just curious.

BF x

 

[Josephine_Beth]

It's up to YOU AND NO ONE ELSE what you decide, you're the mother and BF has to be made with the choice of the mother and the baby. If your angel is more than happy to drink formula, so be it.

You've done well to BF this far, your little girl has had a good lot of BM to get a head start on in life.

You're mother should respect your wishes at the end of the day and if she pursues her agenda onto you, you can only be direct and abrasive, who would blame you.

I only BF for 4 weeks, my husband wanted me to BF for 1yr but I told him NO I WON'T AND I CAN'T. Joseph wasn't satisfied with just BM and I knew I was going back to work 6 weeks after giving birth. I decided that formula was the best option and my baby wasn't complaining.

Be confident in your choice and don't show any one, any weakness (I know it sounds silly but people will spot it and pick on you with it).

Good luck hunny, you're doing a fab choice xxxx

 

[trixipaws]

i was in a kinda similar situation with my mum. idk if u read my posts but after 8 months i decided to stop BFing (more for lifestlye reasons than physical like yours) and was surprised to find it very emotional- altho i want to stop i really miss it loads. anyway my mum's quite big on BF almost on her soap box about it a lil bit, and when i told her i'd stopped completely, she was silent for a bit and then said, "oh, well, its your choice." in a way that was really obvious she was disappointed or something! but when i said "well im really proud of myself for doing it for 8 months" i could see the realisation spread across her face, and she completely changed tone and said "yes, u did really well, i am too" etc and i could tell she meant it sincerely, she just needed that little push if that makes any sense. but if the first reaction had lasted longer than the few seconds it did and she was lecturing me about it or whatever, i definately would hav to hav words with her!

oh and btw, ur milk will not "dry up" i gradually dropped BF after 6 months anyway as melissa went off milk when she was on 3 meals a day, only had it at nite- and there was no probs with my supply. and now iv cut it out completely- over 7 days now and counting not one suckle even- and iv still got plenty of milk. i actually WANT mine to dry up coz then i can get over this emotion about missing BF and move on.

im sorry u struggled with ur boobs hope they feel better soon

 

[Beatlesfan]

Thanks Trixipaws for your words of advice. I have read your posts about your milk not drying up, I hope that resolves itself soon as I can imagine how uncomfortable that must be.

I am hoping my sister might have a word with my mum and say the sorts of things you have said about feeling proud of what I've done already. TBH I did say today that I have struggled with my decision and I do feel that I have given her a good start but my mum doesn't have much empathy..

luckily my OH is a diamond and it's his support that gets me thru things
like this.

I think if my milk had not come in or I was unable to BF for some reason, my mum would be soooo understanding cos it was impossible. Crazy...

Have you tried any other things to help dry up your milk? I heard you can get tablets from docs??? I read about cabbage leaves too, nad cold compresses... I need to look into all this for when I totally stop BFing.

 

[trixipaws]

well she should have empathy its as valid a reason as if u had no milk! any reason is valid anyway even simply 'not wanting to'. its the mum's choice theyre her boobs!

im glad ur OH is really supportive. mine is too. but i think he's just excited tho that ill get my sexy, non-maternal boobs back for him!

i havent really tried anything to dry up my milk no, i dont fancy smelly cabbage leaves lol! i asked the HV at baby clinic and she said there isnt anything for it i just gotta wait. a woman at work said she had "kez" tablets or something after her first 2 but that was back in the 1980's and when she had her youngest 8 years ago they said they dont do them anymore. u can probably buy them on the internet, but ill save my money and be patient, hopefully it wont be much longer. its awful while iv still got milk coz its so tempting to bf, it would be easy if i didnt hav the option! over 9 days now...

i hope ur mum realises she should be proud of u and starts being a bit more supportive!

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Im sorry to hear your mums being a bit of a nightmare, but as trixie has said Imogen is your daughter and there your boobs.

I have enormous boobs as well and that was one big reason I gave up as well as cracked nipples and a baby that needed more then I cold give her. I lasted all of a week so you have done amazingly wel to feed her for two months.

If you want to formula feed then go for it, both my kids have had formula ands they are fine and healthy and grown well. Its not poison after all, its a just a alternative to breastmilk.

I agree that breastmilk is the best thing for a baby but if your miserable and unhappy then wean her onto bottles and im sure she will be fine and I hope you cheer up too

 

[Josephine_Beth]

Wanna hear something funny, my husband and mother - in - law, wanted me to BF Joseph until he was 2yrs old!!!!!

Apparently, in Africa, it's the done thing. When I said 'no' to what they wanted, it was the end of the world!! But I'm a stubborn cow and told them where to stick it 8)