Fear of not connecting with baby

[EmmaLuna]

I've been worrying a lot that when the baby is born I won't feel connected to it.
When I see the scans and hear the heartbeat I am filled with such love for my baby but I'm scared that I will become depressed or something and it will affect my feelings for my child. I would be absolutely devastated if this were to happen.

Is this a fear that other people experience/have experienced?

I have mental health problems and have been quite depressed during my pregnancy
x

 

[firstfreakout]

I feel quite similar. I suffer with some depression, anxiety and BPD and have done through the majority of my life, which outside of being pregnant I can handle and cope with, but since being pregnant I've found I have some really crappy low moods. I often feel like I'm a failure at being pregnant so will be a terrible mother and am terrified about post natal depression. In the beginning of the pregnancy I really struggled to feel connected to the kiddo, and it took until finding out the gender to get used to having a life in there. And then one day it just hit out of nowhere that I realised I am so in love with him already.

I think it's actually quite common for first time mums to worry about not connecting with the baby, and it actually taking a little while after the birth to build a bond. Sometimes the overwhelming love needs to be built and doesn't happen straight after delivery.

As you said you already have some mental health struggles and have been depressed through the pregnancy so far, have you gotten any support with this/mentioned it to already existing support?

I had a phone call assessment today regarding potential talking therapy to help me with my low moods and when I struggle with feelings of low self worth. It was a self referral thing that the GP recommended and said they prioritise pregnant women / new mothers. If you're not already seeing anybody perhaps this might help you?

The GP and midwife have also suggested things like talking to/singing/reading to the baby to build up a bond with them. Your baby will be able to hear outside noises soon so this may help you start a connection before they're even born.

 

[Loopylou1980]

Bless you hun this is something i have never thought about, From the moment i knew i was pregnant i felt like i have bonded with my babies straight from the womb.

Every womans experience is going to be different but dont worry & stress yourself out about this.

Maybe you could speak to your doctor about maybe having some counciling before your baby is born or speak to your hospital to see if theres any support there to help you, Dont be afraid to ask X

 

[Loveandpeace]

Hi,

Im expecting my first baby (currently 10 weeks) and as ecstatic as hubby and I are, I have found myself overwhelmed with emotions, fear being one of them. Not so much bonding with the baby as I already feel a bond, but fear of bonding in case something bad happens. My Mum passed away quite suddenly 3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant so obviously that hasnt helped my fear of loss or more heartache. I worry as i dont want my grief to affect my pregnancy too much or the baby in some way? I have saw the baby as a blessing and a gift that mum left for us in some comforting way and it has helped take away some of the pain of losing her.
I also suffer anxiety and although it hasnt been too bad so far, Ive found myself feeling quite weepy and overcome with low moods. I know this is fairly normal with a lot of people due to hormones raging in the body, but I just didnt prepare for it? I feel quite vulnerable and isolated, even though I do have an amazing support network of family and I talk to my hubby all the time about my feelings and he is extremely supportive.
Sorry I havent been much help but just keep talking through your fears to your closest and your midwife too. Counselling may help or reading articles about what helped other people. Know that you're not alone in your fears and that you can overcome them.xxx

 

[Kimi89]

I'm glad you posted this as lately I have been feeling the same way. I'm 39 weeks and have been feeling this for the last month. It tends to get me at night when I'm trying to sleep. Glad I'm not the only one who worries about this. I guess I'm just worried I'll let my baby down without meaning to.

 

[KHTW]

So sorry to hear you guys are feeling this way. Soon this little person will enter your life and brighten up every single day. You will be tired and you may not like them at times but you will love them with your whole hart. Promise. Sending

 

[mylullaby]

I never felt the love you describe at any of my scans. I felt more connected once I started to feel movements and could see an actual bump, but I still didn't feel the way I expected to even right at the end. I was still DELIGHTED to be pregnant, just not in love with my baby if that makes sense. I also didn't feel the rush of love that people describe when he was born. I think I was in shock that he was finally here - and again, I was so, so happy to finally meet him. It all just felt a bit surreal and I couldn't really take it all in. My love for him absolutely rocketed in those first few days and every single day ever since I have feel my heart grow a little bit bigger with the love I have for him. I know that sounds really cheesy, but the love you have for them really is indescribable. He makes me proud every day and when I go and check him in his cot at night I fall in love that little bit more (just when I thought it wasn't possible to love him any more than I already did!) ... so please don't worry! I didn't truly feel connected while I was pregnant or at the very moment he was born, but I can promise you he is my absolute world and I love him more than I could ever describe and you will feel the same... even during the tough times you love them more than words can say. xx

 

[kumber]

I didn't feel a connection with either of my boys when I was pregnant or when I first clapped eyes on them. I looked at their weird little alien faces with funny shaped heads and bulging eyes and thought 'sweet lord what have I spawned?!' DS2's birth was so quick and mentally traumatic with the pain that I was quite happy to let him sleep on hubby's chest for 4 hours post birth while I took my time and had a wash, a sit down, and a relax, enjoying the feeling of no longer carrying around what was probably the equivalent of nearly a stone of extra weight.

The connection comes gradually I think, those first few days are a blur of exhaustion and sore boobs, but somewhere in all of that this little person looks up at you with complete trust and it completely consumes you without you even realising it. There's something indescribably amazing about having this teeny little human curled up on your chest, completely content to be snuggled into you, and you won't even realise that you've fallen completely head over heels in love with them as it just happens.

Please try not to worry, they're such an abstract thing when all we can see are these huge bumps, when we feel heavy and uncomfortable and have all these weird movements and pressure, and we don't feel our bodies are our own. Your entire body is gearing towards loving this tiny little person, and once they're actually here that love comes as quick or as slow as you can handle it.

 

[mylullaby]

Lol @ "sweet lord what have I spawned"

 

[kumber]

Lol @ "sweet lord what have I spawned"

I nearly cried, they were astonishingly ugly. I felt awful that I had cursed them to a future of bullying thankfully they've turned out alright and are actually rather cute

 

[mylullaby]

Lol @ "sweet lord what have I spawned"

I nearly cried, they were astonishingly ugly. I felt awful that I had cursed them to a future of bullying thankfully they've turned out alright and are actually rather cute

You know when Lord Volemort is that weird little fetus thing in Harry Potter? That's what DH said ours looked like when he first set eyes on him

 

[kumber]

You know when Lord Volemort is that weird little fetus thing in Harry Potter? That's what DH said ours looked like when he first set eyes on him

Yes!!! That's exactly it