Don't know what to do!

[butterfly92]

Hello ladies... i'm not even sure if this is the right place to post it or not..i didnt know where to put this.. it might get really long, too :/ but i just really need to vent, since i cant talk to anyone about this...

i am not pregnant, but have this really really strong wish of having a baby, since what happened about 2 years ago. After graduating from school i spent a year abroad, where i truly lived my life to the fullest. i went to a lot of parties and really enjoyed the time i spent there. so there was this one night with this guy i met on a trip, who was really really nice and well... it happend... and i dont really wanna get into a lot of detail here, but after i came back from this trip i did the math and got really scared when i thought i could be pregnant. it turned out the day it happened was exactly around ovulation day. so i was waiting and waiting till i could test.. i had cramps and spotting (which i wasnt sure if it was real spotting or af about to come, however it would have been too early for af)... since i had been researching a looot about pregnancy online, because i was so scared i may have just had those symptoms for psychological reasons. i'm not sure. but i was sure i wouldnt want a baby.

i took an early pregnancy test and waited for two minutes as it said in the description (almost fainted, because i was so scared)
and when i looked at it it was negative. very relieved i threw it away. then, let it be about an hour later, i looked at the description again (not sure why) and it said that a second blue line could still appear within 10 minutes. So what i did was fish the test out the trash can and when i looked at it there really was a second line! It was a little faint, but definitely there. So I wasnt sure if it was evap, since i had taken the test an hour ago or so... did more research on the internet and compared my test to photos. it didnt look much like an evap line to me, however i never really found it what it was in the end.
i called my mom at home and told her... i was really scared and we were talking about what would happen if i really was pregnant. the more i thought about being pregnant and maybe having a little bean growing inside of me, the more i felt like this bean became a part of me and i started loving it even though i didnt even know if it was actually there.

so i decided to take a blood test, but didnt want to do it alone. couldnt tell my host family, obviously, so i went to visit a really good friend in another city who said she'd go with me. so the night before we had a little "car accident", nothing happened to us or the car, but we all got like thrown forwards really harsh and i felt a sharp pain. then later when i went to the bathroom there was the cloth of blood in my panties. i wasnt sure what it was though. the next day the blood test was negative (showing a tiiiiiiiny bit of HcG in my blood, but not much). Now i've read contradicting things about hcg levels...some say that everybody has a liiiitle bit of it, others say ONLY if you are pregnant (or have i dont know what sickness it was...).... also ive read, that after a miscarriage the hcg level drops drastically in the blood and after only a few hours cannot be detected in blood anymore whereas in urine it takes a lot longer... so maybe the blood test was negative because of what happened the night before or maybe i was just never pregnant..

I never found out if i really was pregnant.I may have been, may not have been. I really don't know and probably never will. But i know that since then my wish to be a mom just keeps growing.
I know I am too young to be a mom. I am only 21 and I'm a student. I don't even have the time for a baby right now. But everytime I tell myself exactly that I keep thinking I could still make it work.
i just cannot stop thinking about this! I think about it every day, but have never really told anyone....

sorry for writing a whole book, but i just had to get it out, because ive been carrying this around with me for two years now...

 

[megsmeadow]

Hi butterfly. Unfortunately by the sounds of things you're never going to know if you were pregnant or not. Either way you still experienced what you did and it might be worth speaking to a councillor about it.

You'll find there's never a 'right' time to have children but waiting until you have all the right support in place (financial, physical and emotional) and of course an obliging partner too, can make a world of difference. Pregnancy and loss aren't easy, and neither is bringing up children.

You'll get there. Try writing things down, speaking with someone. You'll want to be in the best physical and emotional state possible when you do go on to try for a baby.

Good luck.