Distant Partner - Normal?? Advice please

[Lish]

Hi Ladies! Just wanted to get some advice from all you gals, and to see if what I am experiencing now is normal... I'll try to keep it brief! Please be nice.

So, I am almost 6 weeks pregnant Me and OH have been together 3 years and TTC for over a year. We finally got our BFP two weeks ago today and we were both ecstatic - OH cried tears of joy We went away that weekend and talked and planned our future, all so exciting. However, since we got back from that weekend away, he has been very distant and has actually started spending more time involving himself with work and then in the evenings he has been going to the pub a lot more than usual, as if he doesn't want to be around me. We have had a few nights where he has been himself, and we are still close at times, yet we have not really talked positively again like we did when were away. We are a relatively interdependent couple in that we have things we do together, but also things we do apart. In this sense his behaviour is not overly 'abnormal'. But he seems to be doing more of the 'apart' stuff than the 'together' stuff right now. I am on the page where I think we have to start altering our life - but I don't think he's there yet. I have tried to engage him with positive talk and he says he is excited and that everything is going to be okay, and for me not to worry. But his behaviour is freaking me out.

We are going away again this weekend and I fully intend to talk to him about this whilst on holiday. But I guess I want to ask you a) if it is normal for a partner to freak out and go distant during pregnancy, and b) how I broach the issue sensitively.

I think that he is scared. He already has a daughter who we see every other weekend and who he adores - He is an excellent dad. He had to fight bloody hard for access to her and he gets quite low when we have to give her back to her mum at the end of the visits (him and mum do not get along). He was so happy when we finally got pregnant - like this is all he has ever wanted: to have a family, a constant family. But now that it's hitting home I think he is frightened that it will all go wrong again, and his way of dealing with this is to plough into work and pub rather than talk about his feelings (typical bloke!). I also think he's scared that his life is about to change in a HUGE way. He's been comfortable and safe, in a routine, and now... Well, it's scary isn't it! We are also house-hunting, meaning we will be moving out of his (rented) house. I think this is scaring him too. It's a lot of change. But, for me, something that we should be able to deal with as a team.

Now, I know that it is also early days, and he did actually say a few days ago that it doesn't seem real just yet but that it will over time. But I am starting to feel neglected and I'm worrying that I'm going to be doing this on my own. As you are all aware, our emotions are all over the place at this time as it is! And when we feel neglected, we concoct all sorts of disasters in our heads.

So... Am I going crazy? Being needy? Should I just sit back and let him come to terms with things in his own way? Does he need more time? I KNOW that I need to tell him how I am feeling. But I want to be able to do it in a way so that I am not getting at him. I reckon he's got lots going on in his head too. Any advice? Is this normal?! xxx

 

[Lish]

Just writing all this down has actually helped immensely! But questions still stand...

 

[Hoody81]

Hi Lish

Not sure if I’ll help much but here’s my two penneth...

I think you’re probably onto something with him thinking that things may go wrong again like they did with the mother of his daughter. Men really fear that kind of thing (my partner has three grown up sons, but him leaving them as kids was heartbreaking for him). So that really does seem a very valid reason for him going off and mulling things over.

But secondly - and as you have pointed out - pregnancy hormones make those emotions go crazy! At the moment I feel like a mad woman. Me and the husband are constantly fighting about ridiculous things because I seem to pick up every slight thing and make a big deal out of it! I’m even driving myself mad!

So I think that if your partner IS showing excitement and positivity towards new baby then you can rest assured that this is nothing to worry about

I hope your chat goes well when you’re away xx

 

[Lish]

Thank you so much Hoody81. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! xxx

 

[Lish]

Hoody81... Do you think I should tell him that I think I know what is going on (i.e. he is fearful) and try to set his mind at rest? Or, do I let it come from him? After all, it might be the case that I am creating all this in my mind... :/ xx

 

[Hoody81]

Hoody81... Do you think I should tell him that I think I know what is going on (i.e. he is fearful) and try to set his mind at rest? Or, do I let it come from him? After all, it might be the case that I am creating all this in my mind... :/ xx

He may not even know this is playing on his mind (men never over analyse) so maybe you should kind of hint towards it and ask him if HE thinks that’s what it could be... if you tell him that you know it’s that and he hadn’t even thought about that then he may get defensive of your over analysing. Be suggestive... “do you think it could be this...?”... make him think about it. He may say it’s that and then open up with more of his feelings xx