Depression or Bereavement?

[stamfordgal]

Hello, all.

In spite of PCOS, I have had one healthy term-pregnancy (for which I am grateful) and just experienced a miscarriage. I was delighted to find out that I was unexpectedly expecting and, after seeing a healthy heartbeat twice, went in for another ultrasound on Christmas Eve to get a firm date (I was rounding 11 weeks) to gleefully announce to my family as well as my husband's.

It was not meant to be. To my OB's surprise as well as mine, there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to carry the deceased baby until 27 December, when I had a D&C.

I feel completely devastated. The loss of the pregnancy was difficult, finding out on Christmas Eve was worse and being completely alone to receive the news was gut-wrenching. I'm not optimistic about my chances of conceiving again due to the fact that I don't have cycles and am reeling. I find myself unable to eat (literally have gotten through the last week on wine, coffee and tea), sleep (4h a night, filled with nightmares) and am functioning at a minimum (2 yo daughter is at my parents' place - they remain unaware as to what happened).

Does it get better? I'm hesitant to start an antidepressant as I hope to conceive again in the near future (God-willing). Any insight would be appreciated.

 

[laurat]

Im sorry for your loss honey, such a terrible time too! Have you told your hubby? Perhaps that will help you to talk and share your feelings. Dealing with it on your own must he really tough!xxxx

 

[stamfordgal]

Mercifully, my husband is aware as well as my best friend. I'm so overwhelmed by anger, disappointment, sadness and despair, I don't care to discuss it much with either of them. I limped through the holidays for the sake of our respective families. I guess, pragmatically, I understood miscarriages prior to having one (chromosomal issues, etc.). After having one, however, I can't help but feel anything other than at fault. I thought the D&C would provide some closure but I feel violated and robbed in a way - like something I wanted was stolen from me (even though that something had already passed). I feel guilty that my baby was disposed of like a gallstone or appendix.

 

[flisstebbs]

Having gone through similar very recently, most of those emotions sound horribly familiar. I personally think its far too early to think of it as depression, but i think it does depend on your past medical history. I've never had depression, but i think if you have a history of this it would be better to talk it over with your dr.
The wine and coffee approach also sounds familiar. I'm just going with it for the short term with the aim after the ny celebrations to try and get back to normal.

Try to be kind to yourself, this is such an awful experience, and there seems to be this weird social restraint that means that you can't talk about it to anyone despite it eating you up inside. I've found this forum a godsend as it is somewhere to get this stuff out.

I hope 2013 brings you better things.

 

[Bonfire Bride]

Firstly, no fault should be placed anywhere...including yourself. I am terribly sorry that you're going through this. ** Big Hugs** It is still early days and you need to allow yourself some time to grieve. It may not be depression but a natural process that you need to go through. If your feelings continue for some time, then it may be an idea to see your doctor. Your body is currently going through a change with hormone levels decreasing, which can also cause depressive symptoms. I cannot stress enough that you need to look after yourself and try to relax. Even a shoulder, neck massage can help or a nice bath.

If you still feel like this in a few weeks and your symptoms are not getting better then please see your doctor. You can still conceive/be pregnant while on anti depressants - I was prescribed them a few years ago but thankfully don't need them anymore. If they get worse drastically, the please see your GP immediately...there's nothing wrong in asking for help.

Huge hugs hun and hope you start to feel better soon xxx

 

[Lozzaste]

Bereavement, definitely. I pretty much got through my first week after losing the last baby on gin and could barely see through the tears. Mine was my second 11.5 week loss in five months and I was just so so angry. Almost 8 weeks on now and I think I've come out the other side. Treat yourself fairly and don't be afraid to be upset, miscarriage is very real, and devastating and in my mind should not be a taboo. I did end up telling people as I wanted them to understand my pain - I had carried this growing person around with me for almost three months and I had hopes and dreams for him/her.
The one thing that I always thought about is that, it was never meant to be and nothing could change that. It was hard, but you'll get there xxx

 

[stamfordgal]

Thanks for the support and I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I'm wondering if there was a hormonal component to this: I was crushed at the ultrasound and in the days following, but I feel like that pain was within what I would think was "normal" given the miserable circumstances. My body still believed itself to be pregnant, and I wonder if the rapid loss of hormones after the D&C completely threw me off (does this happen? My body went from thinking it was pregnant to empty in 30 min). I've had a few depressions in my day, but nothing even comes close to the despair I felt in the 3 days after the D&C (I'm including the surgery date). Today, I woke up feeling like a switch had been flipped - I'm sad, but manageable sad, not holy cow, I may need inpatient treatment sad.

 

[k8_005]

You won't ever forget the one you lost but it gets easier Iv lost two both were terminations at dr suggestion due to anacephaly found at 12 week scan I'm now expecting again and have my scan tommorrow I'm petrified but you have to be optimistic of the future and try not to blame yourself with time this becomes easier you are bereaved at the moment and no one but someone who has had it happen can understand the emptiness inside or the feeling if despair and failure or the feelings of. What if sadly it takes time and support and talking things through does help be that with others who have been through the same your best friend or husband or a counseller it all helps I also found doing a memorial to the lost babe helped I have planted a rose for each be kind to yourself and take it easy big hugs xxx

 

[stamfordgal]

k8_005, best of luck to you at your scan tomorrow - I'm sure it will go wonderfully!

 

[Iwant3]

So sorry to hear of your awful experience and on your own so close to Christmas. I think all your feelings are totally normal and it's still early days so take your time and give yourself a break.

i think your hormones do go slightly into 'just given birth' mode....as the placenta coming away triggers certain hormones to kick in. I had a miscarriage at 7weeks at the beginning of November and a couple of days later my milk came in - and I was only that far gone!!!! it went after a couple of days, but was still a shock and horrible reminder at what had happened. So if you have similar feelings to baby blues it would be no wonder and would just add to the mad range of emotions you would already be experiencing.

 

[stamfordgal]

Thanks for the support. My OB & psychiatrist confirmed that there is a big drop-off in hormones that may well have impacted my state of mind.

I found out that the pregnancy was doomed from the get-go with trisomy 14, but still feel crushed after a close friend gleefully announced her pregnancy this afternoon - she is due 2 days after I was. Jesus. Christ. It took every fiber in my body to conjure up a fake smile rather than fleeing from the house in tears with a case of wine. When it rains, it pours, earthquakes and tsunamis, I guess. This seems to be a test of will and endurance and I don't know how much gas I have in the tank.

 

[Raindrop]

So sorry to hear this. I hope you are taking it easy and feeling a bit back to your old self. That must be so heart breaking when your friend announced the news - I am guessing she did not know about you or that would have been very insensitive Hope you are ok xxx

 

[stamfordgal]

I bit the bullet and told my mother about everything today and feel somewhat better. She was much more compassionate than I had expected she would be. My hormone levels are finally low enough where I no longer register a positive pregnancy test, so that was a bit of closure. A miscarriage is a confusing, heartbreaking, lonely, drawn-out process.

I'm appreciative of all of your support and extend my sincerest condolences if you have been through a similar experience. It's shocking how common it is, but how lonely it feels in the moment.

 

[flisstebbs]

the loneliness is the worst bit.. its amazing how people just won't talk to you about it. Interestingly, talking to a friend of mine whose husband had cancer in his early 30's, it was a similar experince where people would avoid her to avoid talking about it.

I got my first af today after erpc 4w almost to the day. Pregnancy test finally negative and its almost a release.

My good friend had a baby 2 days ago, i was due the same week as her with my 3rd pregnancy, it has hurt like a bitch.

I'm glad you could talk to your mum, mine has been a invaluable source of support through all this.

 

[stamfordgal]

Flistebbs, I'd give you a huge hug if I could. I hope things swing in your favor in short order!