Day sleeping in bed/crying (Long)

[moss]

Jacob is mostly a co-sleeper. Sometimes he goes to bed in his own bed (right against my side) first thing at night because he will only sleep in our bed if he is on my husband, and this has been hurting his back badly lately. Anyway, this means he doesn't sleep without us around. I went to the doctor the other day and he has told me (something I already knew) that I have post traumatic stress from labour and maybe a little bit of PND... He suggested that I would be much better off in the long run if I got an hour or so to myself every day because at the moment, I don't. Shaun makes almost all of the meals and sometimes I don't get dressed or go out for the whole day because I am busy holding Jacob. His solution is that I choose a time in the day that seems natural for Jacob to sleep, and put him in bed, close the door and do my own thing. I explained that I find this very difficult to do because he gets so upset and he doesn't just fall asleep after a while like my babies supposedly do. He said he knows because his first baby was also like this, but if I am dedicated to it, Jacob will eventually expect to go to bed at that time and even feed better because of it, perhaps meaning he doesn't need to feed as often. (During the day he consistently feeds once every hour and a half).

I am terrified to do this. I get flashbacks of certain things during the birth when I am stressed, and there is nothing more stressful than when Jacob cries the way he does when he is put down and is tired. I have had to leave him a couple of times before and he got so upset he was sick. When he gets to a certain point, it is harder to calm him than it would have been just to not get that time to myself.

But, at the same time, I do think it would be good for me to be able to get up, stretch, shower and make myself look human every day. When Shaun is here I can have him hold Jacob and do these things, but when he isn't there are days I will go hungry and dirty. I am sure this high dependence is because of his reflux, which still hasn't improved much if at all. It is scary to him and painful. I don't really know if I should follow my doctor's advice or not. He is a great GP, but I'm scared of doing this.

Also, if I do, I don't know how to choose the time. Jacob's sleeping pattern during the day is non-existent. He doesn't fall asleep very well unless he is in the carrier or his pram, or if we have bounced him to sleep on the pilates ball. Sometimes we force him to sleep these ways because otherwise he will stay awake and get very upset and tired. If I choose a time and he gets used to it, what if we need to go out? Will he be in a terrible mood because of that? And the really big question for me: If I do close the door, how long is it healthy to let him cry before I decide it's gone on too long? His crying escalates to frantic tears and red face and screams very quickly, so it can't be then, I guess.

I don't want to do this but I know the GP is right that I need some time once in a while!

 

[Mildly]

Sorry I don't really have much advice but I just wanted to say Oscar is very similar to your LO. I haven't been able to put him down for more than a minute or two today and my OH has been out all day. It does get very tiring! He also breastfeeds every 1.5 to 2 hours and goes past a point of no return with crying which makes him cry nearly all day once he starts.

I tend to take him out in the car or buggy (only time he'll sleep too in the day) and quite often if I time it right he will still be in the middle of a sleep cycle when we get back so I can bring his car seat in and leave him in it whilst I quickly get the washing up done. Does Jacob wake up instantly when you return from a walk? I base our outing on a 40 minute sleep cycle so try to return 20 minutes after his last stirring/awake period so that he is at his deepest sleep.

The only thing that we have done that has really helped us, and this isn't really a suggestion as I know you exclusively breastfeed, is that he has always had a formula feed before bed (he is now up to 10.5oz) and this means he sleeps really soundly and is full up for longer. Because of this he now goes to sleep at 8.30/9ish in the evening and at midnight I take him up to bed and place him in his moses basket and he doesn't wake up until morning. It means that I get a few hours in the evening to myself which makes having him permanently attached to me in the daytime much easier.

I personally will always go to Oscar if he cries, as like Jacob he tends to work himself right up and them will be so unsettled for the rest of the day. I leave showering until my OH is around and eat stuff that I can prepare with one hand like cereal or toast if I am alone.

Sorry my post probably hasn't been much help really but I know what you're going through

 

[keli]

Cooper always fed every hour and half to 2 hrs, thats normal really for a BF baby, never had a routine to nap times and would always want to be in my arms, if my doctor would have suggested that i would have laughed!.. i mean its upto you but i could never leave my baby to cry it out!.. seems a bit harsh. Have you not got a chair? I used to pop Cooper in his chair and take him in the bathroom whilst i showered. I used to make something to eat and eat it whilst i was feeding him and always had a drink to hand too. I'm single so never had a OH that came home to take over from me. I know its hard when they are so demanding as most babies are but it does pass. Cooper will happily play on his mat with his toys now for a while. Have you got a playmat? What the doctor is sugesting is controlled crying and i know i could never do that to my child and as for he may throw up! If my housework never got done i was never bothered as that was at the bottom of my list. There were plenty of days i never got dressed but i look back and loved those times when he'd want feeding all the time those cuddles that we had. Babies are only little for a short period of time i say enjoy them.

 

[moss]

I never liked the idea of controlled crying and still don't. Jacob will play on his mat but if we leave his sight he gets very upset. We have a chair, a bumbo, a swing, his pushchair, but he rarely stays in them for the amount of time it takes for me to even get wet in the shower. I don't mind waiting for Shaun, and I do love cuddles with Jacob, but when he is having a bad reflux day I don't get cuddles. I get screaming and hits in the face. I feel terrible for him and would never just put him down and leave him when he is like that. It must be so scary for him. It is, however very stressful and upsetting for me. I have nothing but the utmost respect for single mothers. I know you do it because you have to get through it, but it must be very tough at times. I feel like such a bad mother and a terrible wimp when his crying gets me stressed. I have had to call Shaun at work a few times just to hear a reasonable voice. He says I do well and that Jacob is always calm and asleep when I get home, but I often feel like I am in over my head. I had a friend over the other day who has never looked after a baby and I left them together for my exam. When I got back he was sleeping in his pushchair. That is unheard of! I then left him with another friend for a couple of hours and when I got back he hadn't been fed or changed (he was a little wet but nothing too bad) and again, he was sleeping! There is no way I would have gotten away with not feeding him at the time of the day. Those two things made me feel so foolish! If they can do it, why can't I?

I guess that is my long way of saying that I don't want to do controlled crying, but if I could find a way to get him to sleep in his bed just once in the day, even if for twenty minutes, I would probably deal with things a lot better. He normally does wake up the minute we get home, and we usually take him in the carrier, but I will try the 20 minutes in, 20 minutes out in the pram trick and see what happens.

 

[Suzie and Faith]

Have you heard of homestart? They are an organisation that help families out. They can come round and look after Jacob and talk to you and maybe give you a chance to have a bath/do something to de-stress.

 

[beanie]

I could have written that with a baby Seren - she was very high maintenence. As disgusting as this sounds I wouldn't shower during the day, I would have a quick wash and get dressed quickly and that was me- very glam. At night when OH came home I would then have a log soak in the bath which was my me time.

I couldn't leave Seren to cry, it just didn't feel right to me which my HV never really understood. My PND was basically around me not being good eough a mum and to have an upset baby just meant my belief was reinforced. I would try for hours to get Seren to sleep and when she did it would only be for ten minutes time. Things that helped me was to go out for a walk - I knew Seren would eventually fall asleep in the buggy and i had some time just to let my mind wander. I also got into the habit of having a snooze with her in the late afternoon - would just let her feed lying own whildst I either dozed or read a book etc. After a while she became accustomed into having a sleep in the afternoon and would do it by herslef (I always let her sleep on the sofa and it worked great for us). It took a while and didn't have the instant results that CC can have but this did work and fitted in completely with my parenting.

I can recommend the "no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley for more baby centred approaches