completely distraught

[christyleigh]

and i don’t know where to start. i moan. a lot. and the place that i’m at now makes me realise that half the bullshit i’ve complained about in the past was completely childish and irrelevant. so here i am, nearly 11 weeks pregnant wondering how the hell i got myself into this situation. since i got that confirmation on that stupid test my life has gone from bad to worse. at first it was the shock that made me sick, but now its the hormones. i’ve been completely drained for the past two months, sick nearly every day and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. and as i’m being totally honest i think it was the absolute fear of going through another termination that led me to believe i had to keep this baby, the theory that my life would eventually take this path anyway and i could not face knowing i’d thrown away another chance. then, i guess i found a support network of friends and family that encouraged me and believed in me enough to make me think i could actually do this. and matt, obviously, wanting me to keep it had an overwhelming effect on my decision. so i took a big breath, and said “i can do this” all the time kidding him, my mum, and most importantly myself. and here i am now. my second panic attack in as many days, the overwhelming urge to do something stupid, yet all i can bring myself to do is smoke. don’t get me wrong, i want to be that person, i want the picture in my head to become a reality, i want the house, the kids, a family, a normal, easy life. but i’m depressed, alone, and barely existing. honestly, its just all too much, i don’t even know if i love matt any more. it takes a lot to write that and its a scary awful thought that i could end up in this situation even more alone than i am already, but i wouldn’t stay with someone just for the child. hey, maybe its just the hormones but most days i can’t stand him, i feel like he’s letting me down, he’s not even trying to understand what i’m going through and he’s supportive for say, 50% of the time. and i need so much more, so we row, hes goes silent and if i don’t speak to him it just goes on for days. i just want to scream and scream at him that this is all his fault, even though i know that isn’t strictly true. he’s so oblivious to the fact that i’m so alone, and all he (seems to) care about is when he can go out, see his friends, or see his cat. i could go on and on and on about all the reasons he pisses me off but there really is no point listing them all, i have to accept that hey, i fucked up, i’m now carrying his child, and seriously think about whether its worth putting up with someone so blatently useless for the rest of my life. harsh, yes but i’m really angry. work; another example of everyone currently in my life being completely unsupportive. they tell me not to come in if i’m sick, then guilt trip me that the figures are awful. YOU TOLD ME NOT TO COME IN. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the trafford centre so much, every time i arrive i have that horrible anxious feeling, coupled with my ALL DAY sickness, which really puts me in a great mood to sell. and finally, my complete lack of social existance, honestly, i don’t believe i’ve seen anyone since my birthday, and i’m not going to rant about my friends because, hell, its not their fault i can’t leave the flat now i spent my days with my head down the toilet but its just completely unfair that everyone is so busy, like this whole post for example, here i am writing this down because THIS is too much for anyone to deal with, this isn’t a text message size problem, i need some quality time with the people that i love to help me get through this, maybe i don’t want to ask them, maybe i’m fully aware people are sick of hearing how depressed i am, either way i am sobbing because i have nobody to turn to. i am trapped. in manchester, housebound with sickness, questioning how the fuck i messed up so bad, fully aware i just have to stick this out, because nobody is coming to save me.

 

[Princess81]

Can you speak with your gp about how you're feeling?? Or a close family member? Get them to come to you and show them this post.

 

[Pudds86]

oh hun, that is so sad to read...

Have you said all this to Oh?

Can you ask some friends to come over? You need a shoulder to cry on. There is no point in bottling everything up.

You need to try and clear your head and get on board with having this baby. The last thing you want is to resent bubs when they arrive.

Sometimes if things aren't right in a relationship you will be a better parent it you parent separately. They is a decision only you can make xxxx

Sent from my shit hot phone! Fo shizzle home girls.

 

[Mrsstuart01]

I have no advice, I just hope you are ok and am sending a hug xx

 

[christyleigh]

gp will put me on ad's. i dont like them, i dont want them but i know when i'm feeling so reckless i need to do something. my friend says she will come see me monday, oh is at some festival this weekend and we're just arguing over text. i havent left the house for 2 days and i havent seen anyone except the oh in about 5 days. i am so worked up i keep having panic attacks. i just want an instant solution and i know there isnt one

 

[Pudds86]

can you go for a nice walk to clear your mind? x

Sent from my shit hot phone! Fo shizzle home girls.

 

[christyleigh]

not at this time haha! im meant to be working tomorrow but keep calling in sick, going to really try and get in tomorrow as i think it will take my mind of things. but like i said i'm completely on my own and finding it increasingly difficult to motivate myself even to eat.

 

[precious_cargo]

It sounds like u need the ad's hun to put you on an even keel xx i agree with the other girls u need ur friends n family to help you through. The first step with them is the hardest one....honesty its easier to pretend all is hunky dory than say whats really happening but as hard as it is (and i know it is) you need to talk x



Babydust to all

 

[wifeywifey]

I agree the ad's will help. If ur sickness is as bad as it sounds ur doctor might be able to help with that too. This thing with ur oh if things are really that bad you need to leave but you need to make sure you dont just blame him for your situation. Just look at some of the single mums on here they are amazing there kids are happy and for some of the kids it is probably the best way and men dont understand how hard pregnancy is so struggle to be as supportive as we need at times. You will be amazed how you feel when bubs is here the way you look at the world changes, your ability to cope with what life throws at you seems to increase. Hope ur ok please find someone to talk to who can help. You also really should talk to ur oh too.

Sent from my E15i using Tapatalk 2

 

[fizzystarfish]

Sorry to hear your having an awful time at the moment.
Reading your post is like something i could of wrote when i was first pregnant.

I myself felt just like you do at the beginning of my pregnancy, i struggled with day to day life, looking after my 5 year old, going to work etc etc and i can say it does get better. Like you i was constantly sick in the early stages of pregnancy and understand how draining it is physically and mentally and how it can effect everything you do.
You sound like your very alone at the moment, could you not speak to your oh about how your feeling? Talking may just take the edge of everything and maybe things wont seem as bad once you have had a good talk or cry about everything your bottling up inside.
I understand what you say about not wanting to go on ad's but if you go to see your doctor maybe they will send you for some counselling, i was sent for some in the later stages of pregnancy around 34 weeks and just airing all my worries and concerns really helped and helped with my panic attacks that i started having again. I'm not saying you should do this im just thinking anything is worth a try if you feel like you do. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to message me as your not alone in feeling like this and i can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel hunni x

 

[christyleigh]

thank you for all your responses, i didnt make it into work, i could not face it. had a chat with my mum who was sympathatic and understanding, have argued and argued with the oh over text seen as hes at a fest.he's not a bad guy hes just useless. all he keeps saying is "what can i do" and i go mental because i've told him again and again and again what i need him to do and he just doesnt follow through with any of it, which just makes me think how the hell can i have a child with this man when he cant even do the most basic of things for me? its resentment, i'm so resentful of him that he continues to smoke, drink and have a social life with no thought for me. like today, he's like i want to sort things out, but i cant today. and i get so angry, what is more important a festival or his family?? am i being completely unreasonable. i just dont know how to sort this.
my mum works in mental health so im going to have a chat with her about maybe going on ad's again but i can't understand how its safe to take them when we arent allowed to take any other medication. oh yeah, re constant sickness, my midwife advised me not to take these anti sickness pills as i shouldnt take anything before 12 weeks and she reckons it will pass soon... but in the meantime its killing me
sorry ladies, feels good to get it all out at least...

 

[wifeywifey]

Talking to your mum sounds like a good idea, some of the most lees men sometimes pulls through for you when baby arrives. I understand ur worry about ad's but the way you are feeling now isnt good for baby so its a case of which is the lesser evil plus can you really go the whole pregnancy feeling like this?

Sent from my E15i using Tapatalk 2

 

[christyleigh]

do i need to talk to midewife or a doctor about it??? xxx

 

[wifeywifey]

A midwife will advise you but cant normally prescribe anything x hope you get sorted x

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[christyleigh]

thank you, me too

 

[Xcitedmum]

you may not realise it, but you have taken a big step in even writing down on here how you are feeling.. Its a sure sign that although you are miserable, you are putting your baby first. You are aware that you are being irrational and resentful, to me this means that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Try not to be so hard on yourself and your OH. Your OH may be trying to give you space as he genuinely doesn't know what to do to please you. You need to try and talk to him without losing your temper, once you have done that everything will fall into place. Mayb he will mess up but at least it will ease your temper if he even tries to help you out in the ways you want?

Maybe I have read this all wrong but try to look for the positives? The sickness hopefully won't last forever just keep telling yourself you can do this, try and make it into work as it will help the next few months pass more quickly. Its good to keep an active mind.

I really think you should talk to your mum as soon as possible, people will help and support you if you reach out, you will be overwhelmed when you meet your LO, good luck x

 

[Sassysugar]

I'm sorry your having such a horrible time. I too suffered with ms. I was sick everyday from 6 to 23 weeks, I couldn't eat either as lots of food smells made me worse, I lived on apples, crackers and ice lollies but it does get easier. bland food definitely helps.

I tend to agree about the anti sickness tablets, I was offered them by the dr but mw said to try and go without them. For a lot of people ms easies off after about week 13 so hopefully you will feel better soon. Keep yourself well hydrated though.

Regards work, I used to get so stressed about going in too. I hated the crap I had to deal with, I used to come home and cry (also cried a few times in work which I hated doing). Can you save your holidays and go off early? I saved all mine and went off on maternity at 29 weeks so I took holiday first and the started my maternity early. I found I was a lot less stressed once I was off work.

I hope you have a good chat with your mum, I'm on a/d now but I know there are a few brands that they can put you on while pregnant and if it helps you, it will be better for baby as you don't want to have a stressful pregnancy. Sorry your oh is being useless, maybe he just doesn't realise how it's all affecting you, but when you have you're little one in your arms you will know its all been worth it.

and you can always vent in here. I don't always see a lot of people and the girls on here are great