Communication rant

[sandee]

I know that I am very blessed to have my DH. He is a great man, but he is still a MAN. I want badly to be a better communicator, as I am one who keeps things in, but every time I try to open up to my DH about my thoughts or feelings, it is either critical, reprimanding, disagreeable or he demands I fix it his way.

Why can't men have empathy? Is is so frigging hard to just talk without judgment! He is suppose to be my best friend and I should be able to tell him anything right?? But every time I open up, he shuts me down and when I ask him to listen and not shut me down he gets defensive. I just do not want to try to communicate anymore.

any ideas or comments are appreciated. Guess since I do not want to talk to anyone, I can just write here.....

 

[Jimmer]

Hiya! Sorry on behalf of men - we are annoyingly difficult s0ds sometimes to get through to!

Me and my wife went on a Marriage preparation course. Now the interesting thing we talked about as regards communication was how our parents communicate and resolve things. If you understand how your OH family communicate, I found it went a long way to understanding each other. Problem with us men is that when confronted by a discussion, pride kicks in, and it is only later that we start to think that actually we might have been unreasonable. I suppose that means it might help to talk about something a bit, then more a bit later once it has been digested and thought through.

Not much help, but hope you manage to find a way through!
Jimmer

 

[sandee]

Actually what you said sounds like you already know my DH.

His folks have a strange relationship. They have been married 34 years and she nags relentlessly and he ignores her. Not sure how they communicate on a deeper level.

My DH is exactly like what you said...pride up front until he has time to digest everything and then usually later he can be rational. The only problem with later is, now I have been sitting on an argument that should have been resolved hours ago and now I am ticked even more. We have only been married for 7 months, so I know we have plenty of time to work out the bugs. It just gets so frustrating. He is a truly awesome person and I love him dearly, but men and women are sometimes so far from the same level playing field when it comes to so many issues.

Thanks for your insight. It is great to get it from the other side.

 

[Jimmer]

No problem - it is a constant wonder to me - I see some relationships who are going through their 40th anniversary - and they have worked out this way of communicating that sometimes seems so harsh - but they have found out exactly what works for them.

My situation was unusual - I was married for 5 years, together for 12 - and eventually things just went wrong - and amongst other the fundamental problem was communication. I am now with someone, married and expecting our first young'un - and I know with absolute certainty that it will work, even though we only met just over a year ago. And the reason is that we know how to work through problems together. To understand how your partner resolves issues and communicates is the most fundamental building block to a relationship that there is.

What I call the 'unrealised uncommunicated expectation' is the most dangerous thing, I believe. Ie where one half of a relationship expects the other half to behave in a certain way, and then gets upset when they dont - even though the expectation was never communicated.

We went on this marriage preparation course - and whilst I wasnt sure what it would achieve, it turned out to be a structured forum in which all sorts of boundaries and issues could be discussed in a safe environment.

Dont worry - if you put to your OH the fears and issues you have in a manner that allows time to think, digest and come back, I am sure that the very fact you love and care for each other will allow this argument to be resolved. It might not be as immediate as you are looking for, but will get there.

Jimmer

 

[sandee]

Congrats on your new marriage and upcoming arrival! That is wonderful!

This is also the 2nd marriage for both myself and my DH. We both are 100% committed to making this work for the duration. We also did a bit of marital coaching through our church. We are in a small social group for people who have been married under 3 years. It is a great safe haven to share and learn about relationships and building strong foundations. However, it is the learning curve that we struggle with. Esp breaking old habits of communication from the previous marriages. Managing expectations is also a very new concept for us both. We are focusing now on trying to manage our own behaviors rather than trying to change the other person's behavior. This being said, it can be easier said than done.