Bad week

[caseysmummy11]

I've has such a bad week emotionally. Really missing my baby girl this week and I'm finding visiting her grave isn't helping. I feel like I've got no one to talk to as everytime I mention her people go quiet and my oh gets upset and also goes quiet. Ive barely had time to grieve her and people are already telling me to get over it a couple of weeks ago my hv told me I needed to get over it as it wasn't good for my children I've still got. I don't ever want to get over it, I want to feel the pain and look at her pictures as at least that reaffirms to me that she existed. It was my sons pre school graduation and I felt sad that I'll never see zara do that. Just missing her lots atm. Xxx

 

[babyscotcher]

Can't imagine how you feel but didn't want to read and run. Everyone grieves in their own way and you will find your way, don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. You will never forget but I hope things start to get easier for you. X

 

[Allthingsgirly]

Wow that was very unprofessional of your hv! Im sure that your amazing mommy to your children wether your grieving or not that's really wrong of her to say! No one has the right to tell you when to get over the loss of your child we are all different & it is probably something you will never get over but in time learn to deal with.

 

[Squemers]

Big hugs x

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a little better today. Mondays are always hard as that's the day they were born. Most weeks I'm okay for the rest of the week but occasionally it gradually gets worse throughout the week until I can't cope. I cried yesterday which helped a little. Luckily I won't see that hv again as she's moved practice so I'll have another lady who is much more understanding of what's happened. I'll always miss her but I have days where the urge to go be able to change things (although impossible I know) is overwhelming l. My brain goes into overdrive of what I could or should have done so she could be here. Not saying that there was anything I could have done as they're pretty sure her placenta was vulnerable ( no wharton's jelly which protects it) so as soon as my contractions started it was probably too late but the what ifs still overrule the rational thinking at times. It's only been almost 14 weeks though so I'm sure overtime that will pass and today I feel incredibly lucky that I got to meet her and take pictures of her and cuddle her. Xxx

 

[Mum2Many]

How unprofessional of that HV. I'd be putting in a complaint if I were you.

I'm sorry hun, no words can ever make things like this better. It's the hardest thing I can imagine a parent ever having to go through personally. She existed, she was loved and wanted and you will never forget her. No-one can ever take that from you, nor would you want them too. But people tend to find grief awkward when it's not their own and they'd like to forget it and never talk about it. It's incredibly selfish when you think about it. You're a mother to a child that is not here anymore - why should you be made to feel bad for talking about her because it makes others uncomfortable?

Have you been offered any sort of grief counselling? Or is there a support group near you where you can talk to other Mothers/Parents who have lost a baby?

Of course, we're always here for you too hun. You can chat away about her, your feelings, your frustrations to your hearts content here and we won't judge you or tell you to "get over it".... (((((HUGS)))))

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thank you mum2many

I've thought about making a complaint but don't know how?
I like that I've got here as it really helps to just have a quick vent while baby is quiet for 10 mins. It feels like I've lifted a big weight off. I have been offered councilling but I found it very hard to get to on my oh shifts with my son at homes and the wait in between appointments were too long. In between my first app and my second was 4 weeks and in that time I had managed to work through some issues on my own. Ive got a number on sands I can phone at anytime for a chat but I feel quite shy and the thought terrifies me a little and I'm not very good at saying my feelings where as if I'm type it gives me chance to explain better and re read to make sure I'm making sense iykwim hun. Xxx

 

[Emapot1]

Hey caseysmummy, hope your managing through other days.. I hit a brick wall the other day even a year on finding things very complicated. Also in the last week I've ended up in hospital for both holly and Henry as he fell on her head and then he knocked himself out from a roundabout playground ride (quite bad but ok) and then my hv came to asses holly as normal and because I lost Annabel, they asked for me to be referred to the coney project for support but just went ahead and did it without my asking...so I had to ring and tell them that I wasn't mentally unstable thank you very much...but slightly humiliated in having to tell them I'm naturally still grieving..

Anyway as far as grieving goes, I found myself not really able to grove either just from lifestyle and being busy.

Dh never really opened up to me. But he did open several bottles of wine a night / and I was very lonely, apart fom having my 3 yr old to entertain. I stated to think of what I could do to embrace her life, so I went through all her bump pictures and scan pictures and I'm making a collage of her time with me which I'm still doing and eventually ill frame and then hang it some where very proudly. I have a picture that my mum drew of Annabel which is down in our lounge and after having that picture there, it has encouraged more talking and better days....perhaps if you can do something to enjoy in your house to be proud of, it might reflect it to your husband indirectly that actually you want to feel her presence and talk about her more?? Just a thought.... Keep well and ask me anything that's on your mind...xxxx

 

[caseysmummy11]

Hi em! Sorry to hear about your 2 little ones much have been scary. Glad they're both okay though.

That's awful that they did that without your permission you'd hope people in a profession like that would understand it takes alot longer than a few weeks or months to get over it even if you have a new baby or still have a baby. It's hard because you still feel their loss because they were your baby just as much as they children you still have are too.

I have pictures of zara by my side of the bed. Ive got 3 photos and two scan pictures. Me and my oh talked the other day and he admitted he was still struggling but not showing it either. I think we both felt that we didn't want to upset the other by mentioning how were feeling.

I'll be honest last night whilst lying in bed it really hit me that she's never coming back, of think somewhere in my head I believed I could do something or I would just wake up and it was an awful dream. I know it sounds stupid because at times I thought I had accepted it bit I don't think i did until last night. Ive been on the brink of tears all day thinking of her and the flash backs of them telling us there was nothing they could do are haunting me. I do feel broken inside but trying to hold it together for my sons sake.

I have to say the worst thing for me at the moment is no matter what I do I'm constantly reminded. There's twins everywhere I look. My sons new school, when I walk down the street, articles of Facebook. It feels like serious salt in the wounds and seeing what I'll never get to experience again and what lily will miss out on too.
Sorry for the essay, here's the only place that I feel will listen to me and understand without hurting them too xxx

 

[Emapot1]

I remember 3 weeks after annabel I took Henry my then 2 yr old to the park and everywhere I looked in the sand park were full of women pregnant and happy! Perhaps a silly place to go during school holidays but then it dawned on me that everywhere id go like shopping etc, I just noticed bumps and babies everywhere. It's was like torturous punishment. One lady at a check out looked down and said well your either very early pregnant or you've had a baby. She was about 70 spin didn't have the heart to tell her I'd just lost my baby after given birth. I told her I was pregnant still ��. Terrible isn't it. I got home and booooooed what was left of my bulged eyes.

Anyway, the other day I thought to myself whilst holly is laying on me how cruel and unfair it is when something like that happens to you. I think it's one of the worst things in the world.

I really hope each day your building strength inside to overcome the sadness. It's such a low feeling but try to create some days to take your mind of it or go to the beach and listen to the sea. I find that helped a lot. My sons driving me mad at the moment but it's a madness that I love as it's helped me cope! Sending lots of well wishes to you x

 

[Oxford]

Hi Caseysmummy. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your grief. We all feel it differently. My OH and I lost our first and only pregnancy almost a year ago (at 10 wks) and we still find it hard. Most of our close friends have had babies this year, so we've had lots of reminders of our loss.
Just make sure you have support during your grief. I called a free help line for people who miscarry first when it happened to us, and I found they were really helpful. They let you talk about your loss without judgment. I'm sorry that I forget their name, but you should be able to find it on Google.
Sending you hugs and best wishes. You're obviously a very loving Mummy.

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. Ive heard the sands helpline is very good. I just get nervous about ringing them. I'm quite shy and not sure how I would get talking via the telephone. I find online much easier and I post here and occasionally on the sands forum which I find both very helpful. This week has been much better finally I feel like it's been a bit if a break l. My mums moved closer to me for support and shes kept me busy with my nieces and nephews out and about doing things. It's has felt like pure torture seeing twins everywhere and I kept thinking what have I done to deserve to bump into them anywhere I go and everywhere I go. I know what you mean em. People always comment on lily being so small after asking how old she is and I usually just say she was born premature but long to tell them the truth that she's that bit smaller as she was also a twin. A few weeks after it happened we went to the phone shop and the man who served us asked if we had just had a baby ( I think he could tell by my tummy ) we found it quite hard and changed the subject without too much discussion. I didn't want to make the man feel bad for asking and I didn't want to get upset.

I find I go through major highs and major lows and it does feel like I'm on a rollercoaster 99% of the time. Ive started writing to her and that's been helping me xxx