Abortion decision, so much confusion and pain....

[Cleo100]

Hi Ladies,

I’m writing here as I really don’t know where else to go, I don’t have anyone I can speak to about my circumstances and I have seen many of the replies to other women offering non biased supportive and constructive advice. I’m so sorry it’s an essay and I don’t really expect you to read it and reply, I guess I just need to vent. My partner and I have been together just under 6 months (although we know each other from 6 years ago when he was my boss) we had a few wobbles around xmas time as we were ill in turn throughout December with Flu doses and I had a good bit on my mind because of family with a family member being badly ill and in another country, my family pressuring me to spend xmas day with each of them in different countries, my OH having work stresses and the usual family stresses! etc.. we also had a disastrous weekend break in Dec (mainly to do with our hotel and the area etc)…. I love this man dearly and truly believed when I met him that he was my “soul mate”, I felt a connection I had never before had with another person in my life. He has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship who I also love dearly with all my heart.

I discovered I had fallen pregnant in January, it was not planned and the most difficult thing I had ever had to do was tell my partner as I was on the pill and he thought initially I did it intentionally. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and thought there may be a possibility I was suffering from a threatened miscarriage as he thought I was pregnant from Dec so booked me a scan to confirm my dates. We were both shocked and it was the most emotional time for both of us, we sat down and spoke about it as I was really against to the idea of abortion which we did not discuss at the time we had just discussed in the past in general when speaking about kids and we decided to proceed with the pregnancy, we discussed how much we love each other and although it was early days and things had been hard for us that we would really make an effort to pull together and make things work.

The last 7 weeks have been so hard, I have been suffering terribly with morning noon and night sickness and also because of all of the stress surrounding the initial acceptance, then the possibility I was miscarrying, then to find out everything was ok at the scan and I was only 6 weeks gone and had not in-fact suffered from a threatened miscarriage, my work then decided (as I had to give them the doctors note for being signed off with hyperemesis gravidarum ) that they did not like the thought of maternity pay and made me redundant. I was diagnosed with mild antenatal depression and put onto anti-depressants for the first tri. Things have been hard between my OH and I, some days were great after the initial shock he sent me such a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a lovely message about being a scaredy cat and telling me how much he loved me, and I woke up once to find him kissing my tummy one morning which filed me up with such joy and I have been so excited about the thought of a new baby, sneaking constant peeks at my scan pics, us becoming a Mummy & Daddy together and been doing my secret lists of baby names (to be looked at after 12 weeks!), picking furniture from websites etc thinking that all this puking and feeling like crap will amount to something so beautiful and life changing……..we told his Sis and Niece who are such lovely people and were incredibly excited and supportive……. and then some days were not so great and we were snapping at each other as he has a very demanding busy job and I was feeling like crap and depressed from being so ill all day. I had a feeling he was not so keen on it after the first scan as he got angry I was not farther along, I bought him a book “The blokes guide to pregnancy” in the hope he would read it and realize why I was acting so out of character and that it was nothing personal and maybe try to understand how sick I was feeling which has remained untouched, I understand how hard he works and how busy he is but even picking it up when on the loo would have been something. I had also been giving him snippets of the daily development emails I had been getting about bubs etc to try and get him involved when apart from seeing me sick and gaining weight so he felt like he was involved in the pregnancy, he really just was not interested so I have pulled further and further away which then caused him to pull away.

It all came to a head on Saturday, I had really been so ill for the previous 24 hours, I had not slept or eaten I had been struggling to even prepare lunch for stepson and do laundry and felt like keeling over every 2 minutes, I had cooked a meal for us on Friday so we could all sit down together as a family (OH, step-son and I) and it took a marathon effort for me to do this, I was so exhausted, my stomach was burning and my throat sore from throwing up and retching whilst attempting to prepare dinner, while we ate I only managed about 3 mouthfuls and was asked sarcastically by OH “what’s the matter with you” after we ate I never even got a thank you from OH or his son so I was really incredibly grumpy and upset that he just could not understand how terribly ill I felt. He had to work on Sat day and called on his way home to ask me what I wanted for dinner, the thought of food just made my stomach turn again and I could not face cooking and just snapped at him “whatever you want” sarcastically.


When he came home he was really angry with me, I stayed up in bed as I just felt terrible and he went out for a chat and drinks with his friend. Yesterday we spent the whole day talking and he said he just snapped after I was horrible on that call and decided he thinks we should not proceed with the pregnancy because we have not been getting on, we never had time to know each other as a couple before committing to a child and if we were a year down the road it would have made a huge difference, he said he feels suffocated by me as I never go out with my mates (I’m from Ireland originally and don’t have many friends here, the ones I do have are over 100 miles away in London and are not the sort of friends that want to hang around with a pregnant lady!) and he always has to plan for us to do things he is already a single Dad and does not want to go through what he did in the past again and there is no certainty for our future. He said if this is what he really wanted he would be excited and happy and shouting it from the mountain tops and he has not been, he said he’s just scared and thinking this is not right.

I’m lost, I feel empty, devastated, heart broken and at nearly 10 weeks when it’s taken such a gargantuan effort to get to here for both of us , I now have a huge life changing decision to make, one I want to make that will bring peace and not regret. I love my OH more than anything and would give anything to make him happy, on one side I believe maybe his reasons are right and like he said love is not enough as lots of people love each other so much and just don’t work, and it’s not fair for me to just bugger off and keep the baby because of my morals and beliefs and then he is in the same position he has spent with his son for the past 6 years and I spend the rest of my life every time I look at my child being reminded of what could have been.

I can’t believe I was actually deluded enough to think that it would actually work out the way I felt it was supposed to be, I thought fate had created this situation because “it was meant to be” I have been through so much in my life and I really thought this was “it”…..

If I have an abortion I don’t think I could stay with my OH, I’m too far gone now, I have carried this baby for three months now and it’s been so hard I already love it, it’s a part of me, and every time would I see his son I know I would be gutted that I don’t have a child of my own, I love his son so much but it’s just not the same. We’re not exactly spring chickens either, I’m 28 and he’s 36. We discussed the fact we could have kids in the future, but if anything were to go wrong with this procedure I may be left never being able to conceive again, by the time it would be carried out I’m likely to be 15 weeks by then, the thought of it makes me feel so ill, it’s already a properly formed little baby. Why should I have the right to end someone else’s life?

I’m so lost, if I continue with this pregnancy, I lose my OH who I thought was my soul mate, I wont have anywhere to live as I moved in here, I now have no job and no one will hire me as it’s blatantly obvious I’m pregnant. I have no family here, I have nothing to offer this baby without a home, I can do some work from my laptop but it only pays £140 a week and I can’t work without internet or a roof over my head.

If your still even reading, if anyone has been in a similar position I would love to know what you did or are doing, I’m so sorry for waffling on but I just needed to get this off my chest as I can’t talk to anyone about this and I have such a huge decision that needs to be made and fast as I’m seeing my GP in the morning.

Thank you for listening.

Cleo xxx

 

[dannii87]

Hi Cleo,

I firstly want to start by giving you this Sounds like you need it!

I'll just quickly explain (probably not but here goes) my situation, which is very similar;

I was with my OH for 2 and a half, maybe 3 months before I found out I was pregnant. I was 6 weeks gone, like you, and at first, my OH was delighted (or so I thought). I had been on the pill and antibiotics..

We bought baby books and made future plans. We started to not get on so well because his family thought we were disgusting for putting shame on the family. My family were really supportive. I'm only 20 and he's 21.

In the end, he propsed (thinking he would come round to the idea I guess), a couple of days later he went home to "collect more clothes" and never returned! He wouldn't answer his phone etc and when I eventually got hold of him, he told me he couldn't go through with it and wants nothing to do with it. Now, I know for a fact that if I'd have gone against my own thoughts and did what made him happy, it would have broken us anyway.

Let me tell you this, I apologise for sounding so harsh, but it probably wont work out for you both if you abort. You will be filled with resentment for him and end up falling OUT of love with this guy (this is not definite, but likely) because of the decision he pushed on you.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant and absolutely delighted. I cannot wait for baby's arrival and know that I can do a better job on my own. I WILL meet someone one day, whether that be next year or in 10 years. Life doesn't stop when you have a baby.

It sounds to me as though you need to try to work things out before making any rash decisions. How about spending an evening just you two, writing pros and cons, what you LOVE about each other and what you would miss if you were apart. Explain calmly that you love him and want things to work out. Try to avoid arguing

I really do feel for you though. There is no time limit on when is a "right time" so even if you had been together 10 years and were going through a bad patch, he might say then "we're not getting on great, I don't think we should go ahead with the pregnancy" it doesn't mean that after 2 years of being together, everything will be perfect and will work out etc.

Anyway, I'm blabbering here so here's my conclusion;

I really do think that YOU need to sit down (on your own) and really have a deep think about what YOU want. Forget him for that time and think carefully about whether or not you want this baby. If the answer is yes, you want it, then I really think you'd be making a mistake doing something for him.

Ask yourself these questions;

- How would you feel if you aborted and then 6 months down the line you broke up?

- How would you feel coming out of that abortion clinic with no baby?

- How would you feel if your OH left you if you decide to keep the baby?

- How would you cope on your own?

Trick questions perhaps, because truth is, you DON'T know and you WON'T know. It's easy to answer these questions now, but fact is, you will probably feel very different actually going through with them.

This forum is mainly a pro-pregnancy one, so I hope you do get lots of lovely advice because reading your thread, it doesn't sound as though you truly want to abort...

Please do not be swayed by ANYONE'S comments, mine, your OHs etc... Do what YOU feel right.

Every day a baby is born to a single parent, and people do it perfectly well. It's probably harder, yes, but for me, I think it'll be easier because I won't have the stress of my ex or his family being involved and taking over.

Hope you come up with a decision that suits YOU. xxx

 

[Squiglet]

Oh cleo... you are in a horrible situation.

Firstly

It seems to me that you have lost your partner either way. If you have the abortion you could never look at him the same way again, and if you don't he will ask you to leave.

It's all very well and good your OH saying he doesn't want this baby, but it seems that he hasn't taken your feelings into account only his. At the end of the day, its not him who will have the abortion.. its you and you will suffer the consequences of the fall out. If you choose to abort then do so because you feel that you should, not because someone is making you do it.. or that you feel you need to do it to save a relationship. Because I promise you it won't save the relationship, it will only cause resentment.

Ask you OH if this is the end of your relationship because he must realise that you having an abortion will destroy it as its obvious that you want this baby very much. You have to decide what you want.. then discuss it with OH. If he is adamant that he wants an abortion and you are adamant that you don't then... as its you who will ultimately pay the price for having the abortion, then don't have it.

Also you say you are originally from Ireland... is there anyway you can move back with family? Often going home is the best thing you can do when you have a baby and things fall apart.

I can't give you any positive reinforcement over the relationship issue.. I thought that my ex was my soul mate... I fell pregnant and we'd only been together 3 months. We looked at abortion, we weren't living together, he didn't have a job.. I was on SSP, we had no home, he lived in London, me in the South, we were both just 19... so there were a lot of factors... but after I started bleeding and we were told I'd miscarried, then found out that I hadn't, it made us re evaluate our decision...however, after 2 years of trying to make it work for our child, we had to call it a day... he wasn't working at it. I moved back with my parents for a while till I got a job and a house.. but it took time.

As for being made redundant... surely they have had to pay you off in some way and if not, you can speak to your citizens advice bureau because they can't just make you redundant because you are sick and pregnant. It goes against European law. I think you should look into that.

Things always look darkest before the dawn hun, but they always have a way of working out, you just need to keep at it.

 

[Sherlock]

Firstly have some of these

I think Squiglet has given some very good advice there. And while I have never been in the position she or yourself are in, I have to say I echo most of it. Having held the hand of a good friend as she had her pregnancy terminated and seen the fall out afterwards in her relationship, I honestly believe you have to do what is right for you.

I don't think your relationship is going to survive either way sadly. For all the reasons Squiglet has said and possibly a few more. Its a shame your OH has not been supportive and more understanding. He does sound scared, but I don't think he can say that and have it as reason enough to end your pregnancy. I think we are all scared at the best of times in these early weeks. It takes some getting used to.

Don't do anything you don't want to do. Having your pregnancy terminated because its what your partner wants, isn't reason enough IMHO. He is also being very selfish in this as he does not seem to be considering what you might want and that it might well be something very different to him. You are carrying this baby and if you want it, somehow, it'll happen. It might not be easy but there are organisations and groups out there who can help you. The council and Jobcentre are also good ports of call to find out what you are entitled to. You can claim benefits to and as Sqiug said, get in touch with CAB about being made redundant.

Also talk to your family. Maybe going home to your family at this time would be something you can do? Do they know about your pregnancy? How do you think they will feel? If its supportive then give them a call and talk it over with them.

I don't believe you can make this decision overnight either. You really need time to explore your options and not feel pressured into making a decision you are not ready for or deciding something so quickly which you may regret later. Reading your words, I have the impression you would like to continue with this pregnancy, but you are scared as you are feeling on your own and have no real support atm. But that can change Give yourself some breathing room and time to consider all sides for yourself. Talk to your family. Talk to some support groups. Its not all negative and bad news being a single mum. It might seem overwhelming at the moment, but thats because you are having a really difficult time and can't see the wood for the trees.

If you really feel after exploring all the options that a termination is what *you* want, then of course, do as you feel you must. But please give yourself time to be sure either way. Even if its a few days and a bit more soul searching.

 

[Cleo100]

Dannii, Squiglet and Sherlock,

Words cant express how grateful I am for your reassuring responses and helpful advice.

Thank you so much, you have said so many things that are very true and have most certainly hit a chord.

You are all right and there is only about 0.0002% of me that agrees with my OH's opinions on termination. I really do want this baby, I already love it so much. I'm inclined to put my OH and Dannii's ex OH together on a boat and sail them both out to sea never to return.

I'm off to do some soul searching and lots of thinking and list writing!

Thank you again, all of you for being so kind and supportive.

I will let you guys know how I get on.

C xxx

 

[Sherlock]

We'll be here Glad you feel a little more positive about things now. Take your time and do your list writing, it'll all help work things out in your mind. That you feel as you do about your baby that's something to hold on to in all of this.

 

[kazlin]

Can I just add that whatever you decide, you will get a lot of support from a lot of members on here.

You must do what you want, not be told what to do by your OH!

 

[Snuggle]

Do what you think is right hunny and whenever you need to rant or chat, we will all be here

 

[HideiLu]

Hey hun

I have been both sides - I've had an abortion 7 years ago (I was 17 at the time) and now pregnant and did consider it again as circumstances right now are tense.

The way I made my decision was to write everything down.

I thought about how my life would change either way, and weighed up where the most positive thoughts were.

I also spent a lot of time speaking to my OH about things, which was a bumpy ride at times.

The other factor I had to write down was if he was to leave and what I would do to manage.

Hope this helps a little hun. It's got to be your decision xx

 

[dannii87]

The way I made my decision was to write everything down.

I thought about how my life would change either way, and weighed up where the most positive thoughts were.

I also spent a lot of time speaking to my OH about things, which was a bumpy ride at times.

The other factor I had to write down was if he was to leave and what I would do to manage.

Hope this helps a little hun. It's got to be your decision xx

This has got to be the best advice so far, and coming from a woman of experience, I think it's great to have advice from the other side of the coin.

I really do hope that you make the right decision for YOU, never mind your OH. The truth is that you will have the main parental responsibility and therefore only fair that the decision is ONLY yours.. Please don't be swayed

Looking forward to hearing your decision hun x

 

[Minime]

Firstly

Hunny I had only known my OH 6 months when I fell pregnant with our son too. I was on the pill and it was supposed to be safe if you took it no more than 12 hours late, I took it 4 hours late coming home from hols and found out I was having him a couple of weeks later.
We had discussed children and decided yes but in a year or so into the relationship as we didnt really know each other all that well but as you say sometimes things are meant to be. It has been tough getting to know each other AND going through a pregnancy and to top if off I had moved in with OH and left my permanent job of 7 years to go on agency the month before I got pregnant so I lost maternity pay etc and had to quickly find re-employment. I did manage it and I was honest from the start that I was pregnant which they appreciated so got the job, maybe have a look at agency work hun.

Things can and do work out, maybe the prospect of fatherhood again is scaring him somewhat and you need to have a heart to heart.

Someone I know had a termination at about 12 weeks and its haunted her ever since as she always wanted a child but she felt it wasnt the right time and she still doesnt have kids and she's mid 30's now. She went right of the rails after that as she wasn't even sure at the time she was making the right choice and told them before going into theatre, next thing she knew she was awake and it was all over so she never felt listened to and that they had gone ahead with it despite her saying she wasn't sure. That has really messed her head up and she hasn't been the same since so whatever decision you make then it has to be yours and you have to be 100% crystal clear its the right choice.

Personally I feel that life can be bleak but after every down there is an up and after every up there is a down, thats life so things may not look great right now but things change, life can be tough yes but it can also bring some great moments and rewards

 

[Minime]

Firstly

Hunny I had only known my OH 6 months when I fell pregnant with our son too. I was on the pill and it was supposed to be safe if you took it no more than 12 hours late, I took it 4 hours late coming home from hols and found out I was having him a couple of weeks later.
We had discussed children and decided yes but in a year or so into the relationship as we didnt really know each other all that well but as you say sometimes things are meant to be. It has been tough getting to know each other AND going through a pregnancy and to top if off I had moved in with OH and left my permanent job of 7 years to go on agency the month before I got pregnant so I lost maternity pay etc and had to quickly find re-employment. I did manage it and I was honest from the start that I was pregnant which they appreciated so got the job, maybe have a look at agency work hun.

Things can and do work out, maybe the prospect of fatherhood again is scaring him somewhat and you need to have a heart to heart.

Someone I know had a termination at about 12 weeks and its haunted her ever since as she always wanted a child but she felt it wasnt the right time and she still doesnt have kids and she's mid 30's now. She went right of the rails after that as she wasn't even sure at the time she was making the right choice and told them before going into theatre, next thing she knew she was awake and it was all over so she never felt listened to and that they had gone ahead with it despite her saying she wasn't sure. That has really messed her head up and she hasn't been the same since so whatever decision you make then it has to be yours and you have to be 100% crystal clear its the right choice.

Personally I feel that life can be bleak but after every down there is an up and after every up there is a down, thats life so things may not look great right now but things change, life can be tough yes but it can also bring some great moments and rewards

 

[lfc_sarah]

I think everybody else has said it all really!

Just go with what you want..
Way up your options if you decide to keep the baby and OH leaves u
And the other way round..

Good luck making the right decision , for you

 

[lfc_sarah]

I think everybody else has said it all really!

Just go with what you want..
Way up your options if you decide to keep the baby and OH leaves u
And the other way round..

Good luck making the right decision , for you

 

[Becks2008]

I feel for you and yes ive been in the same position. I was pregnant in 2005 i wasnt on the pill and had been with partner about 5 months this was the last thing he wanted but we were having sex without using anything did he honestly think i wouldnt? Well i did and he said to me that if i was to keep the baby then he wouldnt stick around...Well i was so hurt about that but deeply wanted the baby anyway in the end i got rid of the baby and we stayed together then we broke up he is still in my life now but not as a proper partner so really initialy he didnt stick around anyway and to this day i soo wish i had that baby so much x

 

[Miss.Monroe]

Excellent advice everyone.

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

There's been some really good advice given on here

I'd just like to high light the points a couple of people have made regarding the relationships not working out anyway even after the abortion.
If you are happy in yourself the you wont have the baby and at the end of the day aren't garunteed how long you'll have the bloke...then you can really start to consider it.
However if having neither doesn't sound like something you can accept then you'll have to do a bit of confiedence and faith searching to get the strength to turn your perspective around and start a new life with you and baby (and hopefully in the future some nice bloke )

(N.B my religion is against abortion and as such non of my post should be taken as pro-abortion, but as I grew up a typical western gal then I can see exactly where you're coming from and the fears you have. You really need to find the inner strength to go forwards.)

 

[Cleo100]

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to let you know I have kept my bubba as I just could not even consider termination after writing out all my reasons, there was no way in hell I was going to let a moment of weakness take me over and change my mind for a man. I'm old enough, big enough and bold enough to do this alone or not!! I couldn't be happier right now! I had my NT scan yesterday at 13 weeks and baby was waving, opening and closing mouth and jumping around like a loon!!! It's very exciting....!!

My OH came to the scan, he's still on the scene and has changed his mind again and decided he's not scared and now wants the baby. We are still together and working on things taking each day at a time. I think he has big issues from the past and the hard time he had with his ex partner during and after the baby was born, he is getting better and I don't think he will have another wobble again.... we have now told everyone and I think the idea has actually hit home rather than sink in with him. I do feel more confident in him, and I am starting to believe I can rely on him and all of this stress has brought us closer together and put building blocks down that we were missing before.

Either way, bubba is here to stay and I'm so excited whether I have to do this on my own or not!

Thank you all again for your brilliant advice and support, I don't think I could have made this incredibly importaint life changing decision without you guys..... *sniff sniff*

Hope all of you Mummies are doing well!

C xxx[/img][/url]

 

[Krystal]

aww thats so good to hear hun - now get yourself settled in 2nd tri

 

[Sherlock]

Good to hear things are going well for you there

Thanks for letting us know your decision. Sounds to me like you made the right one for you