9 year old wants to live with her dad.....

[claireabell]

Hey ladies well this is a bit of a long one, so if you continue to read thank you. My eldest daughter is 9 and has recently decided that she wants to go live with her dad - with who i seperated from beginning of last year. I've cried so much since last night my head is banging and my eyes are stinging. They do have a really close relationship and she was distraught when he and his daughter(from previous relationship) moved out. Although sometimes I think he is a good dad on the other hand I think he creates a false reality to his children. If Haylea ever stays over at his on a school night he never takes her to school and doesn't contact the school to let them know she won't be attending, which then comes back on me, hence I have put a stop to sleepovers on school nights. When he does have contact with her which is very irregular as we haven't set days and times as he sees that as been to final, she does see him nearly every day he's always taking her places, buying her things and basically lets her do what she wants...I disagree with this as I think children need boundary lines and Haylea would appreciate him sat doing jigsaws with her. She isn't materialistic at all, she's more into family spending time together which I think is a lovely quality. He did the same thing with his other daughter who did come to live with us permanantly nearly 2 years ago....her mother would never let her come visit us and we had long court battles etc....but when she did come and visit he would want to do as much as possible in the time she had with us and spend as much money as possible which caused alot of arguments between us as this was not our reality but I could understand why he did this as sometimes we didn't see her for up to a year or so. Infact in the 11 years we were together we probably saw her for a total of 1 year. She is now in a care home as the reality of living with him full time wasn't what she thought it would be. I do admit since I gave birth in September life has been pretty hectic and I haven't spent as much time with Haylea as what she is used to. But once a week my mum comes and looks after Ashlea while I do something with Haylea and spend the day with her. Lately she has started having tantrums and arguing with everything I say...don't know if this is just an age thing! The other night she told me she wanted to go live with her dad, I just thought it was spur of the moment tantrum thing. Then last night she asked her dad if she could go live with him, as she doesn't want to live with me anymore beacause I shout at her and have too many rules...which I dont' think I do, she has to keep her own room tidy but she is old enough now to do that. She has to go to school...obviously, and do homework. I do occasionally ask her to do other little jobs but nothing major. Anyway her dad said "no you wouldn't like my rules" but Haylea never sees that he has any rules so she's still quite adamant that she wants to go live with him. This broke my heart and I don't know what I should do about it or if I should do anything and hopefully its just a phase which will pass. What does concern me is if it isn't a passing phase and my relationship with her gets worse. His other daughter who is only 15 now has a really bad police record - she gets arrested at least twice a week, (some of the charges are very serious), doesn't go to school and only sees her dad when she wants something. I really don't want Haylea to go live with her dad...it would devestate me she and Ashlea are my world but I don't want her to carry on thinking that life with dad is one continuous party where she doesn't have to do anything she doesnt' want to and will get everything she wants as the reality of it is the total opposite. His other daughter is so naughty yet he still buys her anything and everything...which is something I don't agree with and don't want Haylea to see that after everything his daughter has done she still gets rewarded with everything she wants. I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't see that he needs to be any different with her, he just thinks I want to cause an argument. He wants to be her friend more than a parent....please help ladies...any advice would be great, this has really thrown me and I really don't know what to do or how to handle the situation....we have had alot of major life changes in the past few years and I thought we were all doing ok considering but I was obviously wrong.....how can I resolve this situation?
Take care ladies and thank you very much for taking the time to read this....Love Claire...xxxx

 

[Londoner Claire]

Oh Claire I'm so sad to read that. Do you have sole custody of her or is it you both? It doesn't sound like she's be better off with her dad at all, I wouldn't want my child with their dad by what you're saying. I don't have any advice as my son doesn't see his dad. I hope things work out.

 

[Minime]

I think all kids from separated families go through this notion at some stage. The grass is greener.... However she is too young to make an informed decision and to me is being dazzled by the promise of an easy life by your ex. I think the way you've handled her upbringing is excellent.

Kids do need boundaries, they may resent them but at the end of the day it shows you love her and care enough about her to bring her up in the real world. Look what's happened to his kid when boundaires havent been laid down, if your DD went then that could be her.

Personally I'd just make her feel loved and secure. If and a big IF your DD took off and refused to return then I cant see any court granting custody to your ex given that he cannot even be relied upon to get your child to school.

I think this is just a phase hun and I wouldnt change anything you're doing.

 

[foxymum]

i agree with the other girls, she is too young to make her own decisions as to where she wants to live, i have my 13 yr old stepson living here with us & he regularly says to Georgia (shes our DD whos 10) 'i want to go & live with my mum' because she has absoloutely NO boundries atall & would let him run riot & run the streets.

shes just trying it on & wants a reaction from you, dont forget i have a 10 yr old girl so i know the attitude they have!!!!
i would just ignore it & see what happens, it might also be to do with any jealousy towards the baby (sorry to say that but it could be)

 

[Minime]

All her hormones will be kicking in too. Watch the difference between 10 and 11! Ive got a pic of DD at 10 and she was a little girl. 6 months later she'd shot up in height and developed boobs and stuff


Youre doing a fab job Claire

 

[Lyn_no3]

hi, i didnt want to just read and run so, i think your doing the right thing by makin sure she has boundries, is there no way you could stop her seein her dad until he agrees to follow some basic rules thesame as you when he has her? he must understand you need to work together in there upringin or it will only confuse the child.

one of my biggest fears is that my eldest 2 boys fom a previous relationship will get a little older and want to do the same as your daughter cos there dad is only interested in bein their friend but i try not to let it influence the fact that i still have set rules in my house.
luckily altho it took almost a year he has started to take on board what im sayin and now puts them to bed at a reasonable time instead of lettin them stay up until all hours etc...

it will get better hun just keep at it your daughter will one day appreciate what your doing for her

 

[claireabell]

Hi ladies,
Thank you very much for your replys and your advice and kind words....I have tried speaking to my ex about how he is making life look like one big party but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. I've asked him to not see the girls for a while or at least until he changes a few things when they are with him. This went down about as well as a lead balloon and he has told Haylea that "me and him have fallen out so therefore i'm not letting him see her"....why would he do that to her? Making her piggy in the middle and using her in our arguments...I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle... I tell Haylea all the time that I love her, I cuddle her loads it just doesn't seem to be enough. I have alot of other things going on in my life as well at the mo and just don't feel strong enough to deal with my ex and play his silly games. I want him to play a part in our daughters lives but hes working against me not with me which seems to be making everything 10 times harder....I dont' see things improving - it just feels like he's making the situation alot harder than it should be. I never wanted this for any of us....
Thank you ladies....xxxx

 

[Minime]

I bloody hate mind games using kids

My ex wanted to take DD to a friends wedding. This friend was a local thug so you KNEW there'd be a kick off so I said no chance. All day he told her THEY were going to a party and when he brought her back he had his suit on and asked in front of DD. I said Ive already said no and you know why. He turned to DD and said "Sorry mummy's being nasty and wont let you come"

Result DD sulking as he'd told her all day they were going a party when I'd already said no. Oh and yes there was a big fight at the wedding what a surprise

 

[claireabell]

Hello ladies....
Well just to give you a bit of an update really. My ex rung haylea and told her he would take her out of school one afternoon so they could spend time together..... I was totally outraged by this, contacted school and told them not to let her out of school unless they have my consent either via letter or phonecall and went to get some advice from a solicitor, I had to make an apt for another day to see a solicitor but had a brief word with them, they didn't tell me anything I dont' already know as we went through all this with his other daughters mum...so didn't want to go down this route, I hate all this. Anyway was ignoring his phonecalls as I couldn't be bothered with anymore arguments, then he text me to tell me his nan had less than 24 hours to live ....what a complete twat i felt....and it made me think about things and how we only get one shot at this life...why waste so much time been angry and arguing, we could all be gone tomorrow. Why does it always take something so sad to make us look at what we have and what we're doing to each other?...
Here's hoping this finds you all very well and happy.....take care of your loved ones they are so precious....
Love to you all
Claire
xxxxx

 

[Minime]

Thats a tad low using his Nan. Most normal people would want to spend their time with their dying relative and switch their phone off and not get into conflict with ex partners. Dont YOU feel like the t*at here hun, its HIM. Think about it, if one of your relatives were dying would you be ringing your ex mithering and texting? Nope, you'd be at the hospital with your phone switched off.


What I'd do is sit down and make some ground rules and discuss with him civilly. If he ignores that then look at the formal legal options. I did this with DD's dad, one of them was that he wholly abstain from alcohol during contact periods. Now seeing as it was one sunday a fortnight not too much to ask, it clearly was so I stopped him seeing her until he complied (He never did and she's happy enough and I know my kid is safe)

 

[claireabell]

His nan lives in derby minime so he was going there first thing this morning, he only got the phone call last night and wanted to know if i wanted to go with him to say bye...unfortunately i couldn't make it today but i would've loved to have gone with him and said my goodbye's she's adorable....as are all nanna's. Everything just seems so irrelevant when you loose someone. I will still try deal with our situation just maybe not over the next couple of weeks. I just feel drained by everything. I just feel as soon as I start to try and pick up the pieces of my life something else goes wrong....so one day at a time for me now, deal with today when it arrives....don't know if that's the right attitude to take but that's how i'm feeling at the minute. Here's hoping this finds you all very well and very happy....xxxxxxxx

 

[chezzabell]

Hiya hunny

I agree with u life is so short and u should take care of ur loved ones

Aww hun im sorry to hear about all this, i know we have spoken on msn about it, but i just wanted to let u know iam here for u

Anytime u wanna chat u got my number

Hope ur ok hun

speak soon

 

[Gaynor]

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