7 year old tearaway, advice please.

[Londoner Claire]

I have hell with my 7 year old. He doesn't do a thing I tell him, he goes out of windows as soon as my back is turned, throws stones at cars, swears at people, even teachers and children at school and is also now bullying them.

Temporary foster care has been offered to me, they say though that it has to be for at least three months to make a difference and this makes me feel sick. I was going through with it a few months ago and at the last moment changed my mind but he is just getting worse every day.

Any advice would be very appreciated.

 

[Hypnorm]

i wish i could offer some advice, i only have a 1yr old son so i wouldnt say i was very qualified.

Does he get punished at home?
Does he have rules?
Does his dad help with the disipline?
Do you try to include him in day to day things so that he gets some praise rather than shouting or telling him he is in trouble all the time.

Super nanny also has a behaviour forum which might be of help, i think it is b4ugo-ga-ga.com they might be able to offer some info to as i think jo frost is a poster on there too.

Good luck - sorry i wasnt much help

 

[Londoner Claire]

i wish i could offer some advice, i only have a 1yr old son so i wouldnt say i was very qualified.

Does he get punished at home?
Does he have rules?
Does his dad help with the disipline?
Do you try to include him in day to day things so that he gets some praise rather than shouting or telling him he is in trouble all the time.

Super nanny also has a behaviour forum which might be of help, i think it is b4ugo-ga-ga.com they might be able to offer some info to as i think jo frost is a poster on there too.

Good luck - sorry i wasnt much help

He does get punished, he's had all of his favourite toys and his bike taken away amongst other things. His dad isn't around anymore but he does listen to his grandad who is about the only one and my parents do help out a lot with babysitting. I didn't know about that forum, thank you so so much for that. I'll definitely look it up.

 

[Jo]

If the punishing him isn't doin anything, take him by suprise and when he does do something he is asked something small like taking his cup away when he has finished, heap loads of praise on him.
Example; well done Ryan you did it first time, i am so proud of you!!!!!

Really lay it on thick

Make sure he is rewarded with praise everytime he does something that is asked of him and tell him how happy it makes you when he listens.

Don't tell him he is naughty, that it is the behaviour that is naughty

Don't get me wrong he still needs to be punished for bad behaviour but try to praise more than punish

He needs to know his boundries and you have to stick to them as hard as it might be

Are school doing anything to help you?

 

[HELENUK]

I've not got alot of advice but I think you need to work together with the school if he is to stay with you so the punishment is consistant. My girl is 6 and she respondes really well to an achievment chart, smiley faces and treats when she gets so many. I know he may think his is too old for that but when he starts getting rewards its good. I'd also lay the praise on really thick for the slightest thing. Sorry I cant be more helpful

 

[Tan]

Hi

I don't know if I can of much help but I work with children/teenagers who have behavioural problems.

I do agree with you taking things away fron him but always make sure that there is a condition on which he can gain it back or a given time limit. If you take everything away all the time then he is likely to give up and not bother even trying to make an effort.

Try and get into the routine of spending one day a week maybe an hour or so doing something that is solely with him and let him choose what you do. He might feel like he's not getting your attention and that any attention even if its negative is better than none (i'm not saying you don't give him attention its just that may be how he feels)

Try and get his grandad to talk to him to see if there is a reason for this behaviour, ie bullying from other children etc. He may be a bully himself at school but it may be because someone is doing it to him??

Keep your windows locked and do it when he can't see you doing it. If he questions it tell him your worried about his safety and you wouldn't want to see him hurt as he means a lot to you.

Also try and arrange a meeting with the school to see if you can come up with some strategies together than can be employed in school and out. At the end of the day, swearing isn't nice but sometimes children get into a habit of swearing and when working to improve behaviour, this is often the final hurdle to overcome. Tell him he's not impressing anyone with that kind of language and that you will listen to him when he speaks to you in a more appropriate manner.

As for the throwing stones etc, tell him you will report him to the police for doing this and follow it through if it continues. Most police stations have Youth Offending Teams and maybe they can help to offer support and help.

Try speaking to your local council/social services to see what other support they can offer not only to your son but also to you too as your son will pick up on your feelings etc and is likely to play on these to get what he wants or to make you feel bad. I know it is hard for you but you really must try every avenue before resorting to temporary foster care. The carers may be wonderful and i'm certainly not putting anyone down who maybe doing this kind of care but in my experience it is rare for a child to go into temporary care and such a drastic change in behaviour be evident in such a short term. It is likely that your son will feel rejected and this could make his behaviour even worse.
If it is a route you feel you must take for your own health and sanity then make sure you are still able to have contact visits and are integrated into the rehabilitation towards the end of the care placement so that you can continue with the same ideas, boundaries, rewards and consequences that have been practised.

And finally I agree totally with Jo, praise him for all the little things he does no matter how small they may be.

I hope this helps a little bit and you're welcome to PM me if you need to sound off etc!

Tan x

 

[Minime]

Has he got adhd or autism or something? Just curious...

 

[Londoner Claire]

Thanks for the advice Jo. I do lay it on thick when he does something good, he gets embarrassed or just tells me to shut up!

Helen, thanks to you as well. I tried charts, bought and one we made and thought that would work as he would sneak stickers on it when he didn't earn any so as to show it bothered him not getting them. After a week though he just didn't care and now just either tears them or writes all over them. I just did one for rules with the support worker on Monday and he hasn't done any of it yet. Some rules are for me and some for him that we agreed on together.

Tan thanks for so much advice. I have been referred to CEFACS, the school now have a Behavioural Therapist seeing Ryan in school who seems very helpful. It was the first time yesterday and he told her that he gives home life 10/10 and school 1/10 saying he finds the work hard. It isn't the work he finds hard, it's having to sit still and get on with it as he's the most intelligent in his class. That's probably part of the problem. I used to get in trouble for daydreaming because I was bored finding the work too easy. The school have put him higher in reading and his writing is brilliant. He has trouble keeping friendships though as he just seems to follow others around and threatens them if they don't want to play with him. He gets on a lot better with the junior aged kids. They have infants and juniors at the same school.

This week so far he's been really good at school and they've rewarded him by letting him play the piano in assembly which he loves so he was really chuffed. I just hope things at home improve.

Regarding the windows, the front ones he can't unlock but the back he can as they aren't lockable with keys. I have tried Yale locks on them but he manages to get them off. I was hoping with it getting darker now that he'd stop going out but last night he went out in the cold and dark and didn't care. He just has no fear of anything.

I have also had police over to talk to him and he just says if someone grabs him he'll beat them up or run. He isn't scared of anything. I was tempted to move again somewhere off the ground floor so he couldn't get out of windows but that would mean it would be a lot harder with a pram when the baby comes and having to give up my cat which I would no way do, I adore him.

Minime, he doesn't have Autism no but I have been pushing for tests for ADHD for ages. I'm hoping that CEFACS will be able to advise me more with that although the first 4 meetings it's just me and them, no Ryan with me so a bit pointless I think.

Thanks all for your advise.

 

[Tan]

Hiya

Glad to hear he's had a better week at school. You'de have thought they could have figured out for themselves that he was bored and finding the work too easy?!

I would also think that he does have some kind of ADHD/Aspergers or similar due to the fidgeting, not staying on task so make sure you really push for assessment of these. That could be a reason he doesn't take praise too well either. I have a girl I work with who comes across as being quite rude and ignorant but when you get to know her and understand her its just because she can't focus on tasks for long and again gets bored as she is actually really bright. She hates getting praise and does negative things for attention. She struggles to read peoples faces and tones etc so often flies off the handle for no reason. She has Aspergers and ADHD so when you actually sit back and think abouts the traits that are shown in these disorders you can see it so clearly in her and you realise her behaviour really isn't her fault (most of the time!)
Reverse psychology works excellently with her aswell so give that a try!

Hope things carry on improving and keep us updated. Feel free to PM me if you want too.

Tan xx

 

[Kim]

My step son is 11 and has ADHD. He is on ritalin and they have been a god send for us. He is still a pain in the bum at times but the tablets work brilliantly. You can really tell if he doesn't have them, he's a completely different person.

 

[Londoner Claire]

~Wow, not been on here for so so long! I was going through old emails and came across the link to this thread. I will have to catch up when I am free next week.

Ryan has been in Foster Care now since 11th July 2007, I have been fighting ever since to get him home and in September he was diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger's and Conduct Disorder. I see him three times a week, miss him terribly and want him back home. Got court again next week and the final hearing is beginning of Feb, I get him home.

Jade is now 8 months, been a happy, easy baby since the day she was born and truely a gift from god. She helps me cope with all of this and if it wasn't for her I don't know where I'd be right now. Ryan adores her too, it's lovely.

 

[Emma58]

As soon as I began reading this thread I immediately thought of Aspergers/Autism. I work with children with Behavioral Problems and you described the symptoms to a tee.


I am really sorry to hear your son is in Foster care i can't imagine how you must feel.

Sending you lots of these

 

[Babylicious]

I have a 7 year old with ADHD and Autism/Aspergers, it's really hard and he sounds much worse than Paris is.

I hope he's able to come home soon

 

[Hypnorm]

glad to hear you have a diagnosis.

Why on earth do you have to go to court to get him back home?
Seems rather extreme, i'm sure he would love to be with his sister more.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

 

[Minime]

As soon as I began reading this thread I immediately thought of Aspergers/Autism. I work with children with Behavioral Problems and you described the symptoms to a tee.

Thats what I thought, thats why I asked. He sounded just like my mates kid at that age who eventually got diagnosed ADHD & Aspergers. His mum nipped the shop once for 10 minutes and left him with me and OMG! He went straight to his mums bedroom and dragged the hamster cage off her wardrobe which she had to keep there because of him shaking the cage and posting everything into it. I got him out of there and he barged past me and ran into his room, bounced on the bed and launched himself at the window which was the type that opened at the bottom. I caught him by his ankles
I was a complete wreck when she came back and I'd only endured 10 minutes of it!!

 

[scones]

I have been reading through this thread with great interest and sadness for you that your son isnt living with you. x

So has it benefitted him being in foster care?

 

[Londoner Claire]

No it's been awful. It was a year on 11th July that he went and he's home next week, w00p w00p!

His foster carer has been reported to the police for hitting him and his guardian wasn't happy at all with his placement so I went to court last week and got him back at last.

The Ritalin he is on seems to be helping but not a huge amount.

 

[Urchin]

Hello Claire Long time no see

Glad to hear he's coming home, good luck

 

[jue]

Hi

Glad Ryan is coming home Ihave a Ryan too with ADHD, my Ryan is 15.....Iwas offered care for him at about the age of 6, when they told me he was unteachable amongst other things I told them to shove their care, my son was staying with me ........and he did.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that, although Ryan does go to a special school, he is doing exceptionally well, and is a bright kid with a great future ahead of him

I would say to you to persevere with your Ryan, it will not always be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. Also join a support group, they are invaluable and the one I went to saved my sanity
Any support from other mums with kids with ADHD is worth its weight in gold.

Good luck and many