Upset, angry, disappointed & guilty. Please don't judge
- Thread starter maybebaby
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aww hun dont blame yourself 
Its not your fault that he took drugs.
I know its hard because its your brother, but what he did was wrong and he does deserve to go to prison (sorry if that seems harsh). maybe it will be a good thing, it might help him get back on his feet?
Its not your fault that he took drugs. I know its hard because its your brother, but what he did was wrong and he does deserve to go to prison (sorry if that seems harsh). maybe it will be a good thing, it might help him get back on his feet?
Please dont feel guilty that you werent around, a friend of mine did almost exactly the same thing and none of his family or real friends were aware that he was doing drugs until he got arrested for robbery as well.
the best thing to try and help your brother is to stay in contact with him whilst he's inside, write to him, send him books, photos etc. visit if you can. if he stays out of trouble he'll not serve the 3 years, maybe one third of the sentance. I know that this isnt much comfort to you all at the moment but you will hopefully get through it. Your brother will need support whilst he's there and hopefully he'll get treatment for his addiction as well if he can stay off the drugs whilst there. There are support groups for prisoners famillies as well.
find out from the prison what you can send him/take on visits, ie cigarettes even if he dosnt smoke he can use these to 'barter' with other inmates, as I said books, writing paper, stamps etc.
the best thing to try and help your brother is to stay in contact with him whilst he's inside, write to him, send him books, photos etc. visit if you can. if he stays out of trouble he'll not serve the 3 years, maybe one third of the sentance. I know that this isnt much comfort to you all at the moment but you will hopefully get through it. Your brother will need support whilst he's there and hopefully he'll get treatment for his addiction as well if he can stay off the drugs whilst there. There are support groups for prisoners famillies as well.
find out from the prison what you can send him/take on visits, ie cigarettes even if he dosnt smoke he can use these to 'barter' with other inmates, as I said books, writing paper, stamps etc.
I pity the situation you are in
I don't think it's judgemental to believe that if you do something wrong, you should be punished.
He threatened someone with a metal bar ffs!!! It was premeditated and he had a weapon
I'm sure lots of criminals are not 'bad people' but if you commit a crime you should be punished.
Try not to blame yourself you cannot protect people forever, they have to make their own mistakes, and I presume he's learned from it? Just try to be there for your mum, and hopefully it will do him good to reflect on what he has done and how he has been behaving.
Hope you feel better soon xxx
I don't think it's judgemental to believe that if you do something wrong, you should be punished.
He threatened someone with a metal bar ffs!!! It was premeditated and he had a weapon
I'm sure lots of criminals are not 'bad people' but if you commit a crime you should be punished.Try not to blame yourself you cannot protect people forever, they have to make their own mistakes, and I presume he's learned from it? Just try to be there for your mum, and hopefully it will do him good to reflect on what he has done and how he has been behaving.
Hope you feel better soon xxx
Babylicious
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awww hun i'm sorry, i have a friend whose hubby was in prison for 9 months a few years ago (he got 18 mth but did 9 ) & it was awful for her, she had 3 kids too & it was awful for them not to see their dad.
i'm sorry its happened & i see where you're coming from that prison might make him get into even worse things, all you can do is hope he will follow the right path & that its going to teach him a HUGE lesson.
take care
i'm sorry its happened & i see where you're coming from that prison might make him get into even worse things, all you can do is hope he will follow the right path & that its going to teach him a HUGE lesson.
take care
hi hun
*deep breath* - my stepsons and my brother (currently imprisoned) and my ex bil have all served time - so I know how frustrated and angry you can get on the outside.
Firstly, accept what he did and that he has to serve the time -don't concern yourself with what other people have done or anything - we have to have a society where you have to take responsibility for what you do. Once he's realised that (if he hasn't already) he'll find it a lot easier too.
As for you - stay in touch, write letters - write a little each day telling him all the stuff you would usually tell him and keep him involved.
As for visiting - I have to be honest, if it isn't their parent I would NEVER NEVER take a child into a prison. Please understand that when you visit, you will be searched - your bag and possibly your pockets etc, you will be made to feel as though you are serving the sentence as they will double check identity etc. There are limits on what you can take in both for you and for them.
You will wait in a pen like thing with other visitors, invariably a good percentage of them are drug users or dirty etc, you'll hear appalling language, appalling conversations (I've stood there listening to them discuss how to get drugs in etc and had to move as a woman with the most appaling track marks and sores kept touching my coat
) It's a v v unpleasant experience. My nephew did visit his father in prison and although he's in high school he found it v distressing. When he was a baby, my sister refused to let him visit. We have told stepsons if they end up inside again, we don't visit - simple as. I won't visit my brother either.
Ignore idiots who class you the same - they're not worth listening to.
feel free to PM if you need a shoulder
*deep breath* - my stepsons and my brother (currently imprisoned) and my ex bil have all served time - so I know how frustrated and angry you can get on the outside.
Firstly, accept what he did and that he has to serve the time -don't concern yourself with what other people have done or anything - we have to have a society where you have to take responsibility for what you do. Once he's realised that (if he hasn't already) he'll find it a lot easier too.
As for you - stay in touch, write letters - write a little each day telling him all the stuff you would usually tell him and keep him involved.
As for visiting - I have to be honest, if it isn't their parent I would NEVER NEVER take a child into a prison. Please understand that when you visit, you will be searched - your bag and possibly your pockets etc, you will be made to feel as though you are serving the sentence as they will double check identity etc. There are limits on what you can take in both for you and for them.
You will wait in a pen like thing with other visitors, invariably a good percentage of them are drug users or dirty etc, you'll hear appalling language, appalling conversations (I've stood there listening to them discuss how to get drugs in etc and had to move as a woman with the most appaling track marks and sores kept touching my coat
) It's a v v unpleasant experience. My nephew did visit his father in prison and although he's in high school he found it v distressing. When he was a baby, my sister refused to let him visit. We have told stepsons if they end up inside again, we don't visit - simple as. I won't visit my brother either. Ignore idiots who class you the same - they're not worth listening to.
feel free to PM if you need a shoulder
sophie-jordan
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im sorry to hear whats happened hun u must be feeling awful but dont make yourself feel guilty, its not your fault in the slightest, its the road your brother had chosen 2 take and now hopefully he will realise the mistakes he has made. ive been in a very similar situation 2 you, not many people no about it but Leon (my childrens dad) was sent down just after Elise was born aswell, i went through the depression and felt guilty cause i blamed myself, i though that he had done these things because he wasnt ready for the girls and all that, but at the end of the day you just have 2 get on with your life and wait for him to come out hun theres not much else you can possibly do now expect be there 4 him when he wants to talk or see you etc
i hope your feelings better
x sophie x
Just to add just reread your post - why do you feel guilty? This is a grown adult who chose to use drugs, chose (albeit it under the influence of the drugs he took) to plan an armed robbery (that's what it was) and he's the only person who should have guilt. You haven't rejected him or disowned him and the last thing you should be doing is giving him the impression that it was anyone's fault but his. Taking any of the blame or guilt won't help him, it'll just enable him to stop taking responsibility for his behaviour.
sophie-jordan
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hi again 
glad 2 hear that you havent cryed, nothing 4 you 2 try about chik you havent done anything wrong. as for your mum, she is probably still in shock and disbelief herself so using the ADD and dyslexia is probably a way for her to come to terms with it, she doesnt believe that her little boy was capable of doing things like that so she is trying 2 find reasons why he did it, sorry if you dont understand that this is just the things that Leon's mom said 2 me when Leon was sent down.
i think that when he gets out he will be more independant as you have said so yer he wont relie on your mum as much and therefore there will be no need 4 her 2 baby him.
hopefully his sentence will get shortened hun
x sophie x
glad 2 hear that you havent cryed, nothing 4 you 2 try about chik you havent done anything wrong. as for your mum, she is probably still in shock and disbelief herself so using the ADD and dyslexia is probably a way for her to come to terms with it, she doesnt believe that her little boy was capable of doing things like that so she is trying 2 find reasons why he did it, sorry if you dont understand that this is just the things that Leon's mom said 2 me when Leon was sent down.
i think that when he gets out he will be more independant as you have said so yer he wont relie on your mum as much and therefore there will be no need 4 her 2 baby him.
hopefully his sentence will get shortened hun
x sophie x
xjdx
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None of its your fault, its what people do at the time, it is a heffty sentance but i guarantee with good behaviour and stuff he will probably only do over half! My ex stole £1800 of my mums credit card, £600 of his mum and £800 from my gdad and loads from me, he had previously been jailed twice b4 for fraud god knows how much stuff he has on his criminal record! He was arrested released on bail given a court date of feb 07 where he was given a rehabilatation order, 250 hrs community service and a £50fine! He would of got sent down if he hadnt publically apologised in court to his mum, he knew what to do to get him off! And above all that he hasnt done 1 hr community sevice or anything he was given! Hes in court again on friday for breeching all of it. People can judge more for it and i know he is my sons dad but im REALLY wishing he goes down, he doesnt care about tj and has no heart!! Hopefully he will get of that dirty drug heroin and rescue himself for his sons sake! And going to prison will only do that because they will leave him to go cold turkey!
Without knowing his offending history I can't comment too much but like someone has said before he won't have to serve the full sentence behind bars if he uses his time in prison well. I am a probation officer and work with people serving custodial sentences so if you have any questions or worries please PM me. Just be there for him, family support is so important. You have nothing to feel guilty about!!
Just wanted to add that the point about the prisons releasing rapists and murderes early because the prisons are full aren't true. Due to their offence and risk of harm they would not just be released, this early release is more aimed at low risk offenders.
Just wanted to add that the point about the prisons releasing rapists and murderes early because the prisons are full aren't true. Due to their offence and risk of harm they would not just be released, this early release is more aimed at low risk offenders.
maybebaby said:
i hope your brother is released soon and can resume his good hehaviour and job.
He did wrong and being sent to prison was the right thing to do but it makes me so cross that people who do worse crimes than his get lighter sentences
Can you not appeal. Get a few people to write good character statements etc saying how he has turned his life around etc.
I do hope you can .
in the meantime try not to feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. You have got your life to lead and cannot carry your brother. Be there for him when he gets out and encourage him to stay on the right track etc. Thats the best thing you can do for him.
Please dont feel guilty or ashamed about this, we cant choose or control our families so this is not your fault in any way.
I dont have any experience of prisons but I am a big sister and I know you feel quite responsible for younger siblings, but I reckon the best thing you can do for your bro is to continue being a good role model and 'set a good example' as you probably have been told since he was born!!
I'm sure if he knows you all love him and want to help him get back on his feet he wiil be fine and use his time in there wisely. Everyone does stupid things in their life, this one just got out of control. It sounds like he has already started to turn things round so thats a good start.
Stay positive and try not to worry, especially about people judging you - real friends would never do that. Stick with those that genuinely care about you and your family.
I hope everything works out OK
I dont have any experience of prisons but I am a big sister and I know you feel quite responsible for younger siblings, but I reckon the best thing you can do for your bro is to continue being a good role model and 'set a good example' as you probably have been told since he was born!!
I'm sure if he knows you all love him and want to help him get back on his feet he wiil be fine and use his time in there wisely. Everyone does stupid things in their life, this one just got out of control. It sounds like he has already started to turn things round so thats a good start.
Stay positive and try not to worry, especially about people judging you - real friends would never do that. Stick with those that genuinely care about you and your family.
I hope everything works out OK
budge said:He did wrong and being sent to prison was the right thing to do but it makes me so cross that people who do worse crimes than his get lighter sentences
Well Budge I haven't had a disagreement with you in a while...
BUT... I think threatening someone with a metal bar is an awful crime, because who knows what would have happened had he not been chased away??? PLUS it was unprovoked!!!!
Had someone not intervened he could be up on a murder charge!!!
